New here - Al-Anon Family Group

cassidy2010 · Member

New here

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi,
i was so sad to read your share you have found the right place anothers drinking is causing you so much pain. In al anon we do not give advice especially regarding relationships. I can understand your fear regarding how you would survive as you are financually relaint on your partner. However we always have a choice there are many organisations for people who are being abused in england where I come from we have domestic violence centres who can help women like your self find saftey for their children. The police can also provide you with help and support.

i read your share and did not want to reply till

i read my al non literature.

its says about violence
many of us come to al anon hoping to find answers. should i leave? what about money, where will i stay, how can i stop the abuse? we must all find the answers that are right for us. the one exception is life threatening behavior. Al anon says put first things first, ensuring the safety of our selves and children. this may mean leaving money and keys in a safe place so we can get out in an emergency, call the police, arrange to stay with family or friends if only for today. we learn we deserve to stay safe.
in al anon we say attend meetings, find a sponsor reach out using the phone.then you will find the ansers you can live with.

it is our responsibility to take care of ourselves and children. no one has the right to physically abuse another under any circumstances. we have to be careful not to provoke the drinker, but we do not cause another to be violent. we do not have the power to change anyone but ourselves. we must try and be honest with ourselves about what is happening.

there is hope there is help and i will say a prayer for you and your children tonight
i hope you find the strength to do what you need to do
you are no longer alone
hugs

cassidy2010 · Member

Thank you for replying.I wondered if maybe I sounded too crazy for anyone to offer a reply.I'm just not sure what I need to do.Most say leave but he would find me he's relentless in that way.He's never hit the children before so I'm not sure what to think .Perhaps I overreact but I know he was drinking.Lately it's atleast two 24oz cans daily that I know of..I'm finding them everywhere.a glass bottle under my bed.Empty cans under the bathroom sink,in the utility troom ,in the garage..About 20 or so out beside the deck in the backyard ,empty cans in the family car.It's crazy.I worry he will kill some innocent person everyday while drinking and driving.He goes to the AA message board. mostly posts stuff about me thinking i'm running around and how he's trying.People must think awful about me with the things he says.I feel like crap when I think I would be splitting the family up .We've been together 14 years.I've stood by him through jail,court ,And believed his promises .Things seem okay a times but the drinking never stops.I'm afraid I will lose my mind but I've got to be strong for my children.Thanks for your prayers I really them.I need to have peace that I am contemplating the right thing.Thanks again.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Cassidy and Welcome

Tracy has given you some valuable information. I just wanted to add that I understand your situation . Al Anon meetings are anonymous. Who you see at meetings and what is discussed with al anon members is strictly confidential!!:

You are no longer alone.

Help with finding local meetings near where you live may be found at the following web site: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html Or call: 1-888-alanon

Online meetings are held in the Al-Anon chat room associated with this site.

From the board click on Al-Anon Group Meeting/Chat Room in the yellow box in upper left of the page. After clicking on the link please be patient, sometimes it takes a while for the window to open.

In alanon we do not give advise for we believe that the answer for each of our life lies within each of us.

The following are some numbers that may help in an emergency:

Battered Women's Justice Project: 1-800-903-0111.
National Organization for Victims Assistance: 1-800-879-6682
National Resource Center for Domestic Violence: 1-800-537-2238
US Domestic Violence Hotline/ General Information: 1-800-799-7233

Please keep coming back

Praying for your peace.

supermom · Veteran Member

Welcome! I haven't been using this website for long, but I am so grateful that I found it. Your story touched my heart. I am a mother and married to a man who is a recovering alcoholic. He also has bipolar disorder and for the longest time wouldn't take any medication for it. I just want you to know that I understand and I am praying for you. Keep posting and do something good for yourself. Trust in your Higher Power.
Hugs!
Supermom

Rocky38 · Senior Member

Cassidy,

So glad you posted. Believe me, you are in the right place. When we write down the cold hard facts of the impact of addiction on our lives, we feel we mustbe crazy just reading the story. But all of us can say the same thing. We also lose our confidence and sometimes our hope for a better life.

I want you to know:

1. You are not alone

2. You are not crazy

3. There is hope

Please keep coming back,

hugs, Rocky

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Please know that you are not alone and you are not crazy. For many of us, probably most of us, we get pulled into the insanity until we don't know what's normal any more. But violence, threats, drunkenness, and fear are not normal. We are not crazy if we find them very stressful and hard to live with. We are not crazy to want to protect our kids from these things. We are not crazy to question whether we should have to live that way. If anything, we wait too long and try too hard to adapt to intolerable things because we tend to try to believe the alcoholic's insistence that it's all in our heads and that really everything's perfectly fine. It's hard to get perspective.

But it's not true that no matter what you do, your ex will find you. He's trying to make you believe that because then he can control you. Shelters for battered women deal with situations like yours on a daily basis. They know more tricks than abusers do.

Here is the site to locate battered women's shelters in your state:

http://womenshealth.gov/violence/state/

Here is the list of things to get ready to take with you:

http://womenshealth.gov/violence/planning/

Just get them ready, so you will find it easier to leave suddenly if an emergency should arise, or for when you decide that you're ready to go. The fact that your husband kicks your children in the heads and points guns at you, even if only by "mistake," makes me fear for you and your kids. And that he hacks your accounts. You can get online at the public library if you don't dare do it at home. Please take very good care of yourself and your kids, and remember that there are many friends ready to support you in making a better life for yourself.

cdngirl · Veteran Member

I didn't reply yesterday, but I was thinking of you all night. Just wanted to say I am praying for you and your children. So glad that you came here looking for help.
{{Hugs}}
cdngirl

cassidy2010 · Member

Thank you for the information.I can't help but feel that I don't deserve the help of domestic violence shelter that there are women out there with far worse troubles than mine.I don't want to take a slot from someone who needs it more than I do.I would feel so guilty.

cassidy2010 · Member

Thanks Supermom,

Sometimes I feel like I am the only one in this type of situation.I've tried for 12 years to get him help with his disorder.I went into this marriage unaware that he had this bipolar condition.His family knew but evidently didn't think it was something they should have told me about.You know we tried many meds.even taking them he would blackout while driving and even rolled our car and a few weeks later bar room fights.Jail. I don't think meds work when you drink on top of it...call me crazy.Many have said run ,get out,you can't help someone whose not willing to help themselves.I believe that .I just struggle with the vows I took on our wedding day..you know in sickness and health.I know what I need to do .I guess I just keep hoping he'll change...Thanks for the prayers I appreciate it

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Cassidy

I understand We all tend to make our problems small so we can survive!!. You certainly do not need to call a sheltr right now. Just hold the numbers somewhere safe. Alanon suggest that you come to as many meetings as you can. Pick up the basic tools and make no major changes in your life for at least 6 months. That is because our attitudes change and we can see clearly what we need to do to have a successful life.

Alanon basic tools are accepting that :Alcoholism is a disease over which you are powerless. We all needed to recover by being gentle with ourselves and taking good care of our lives.

Live One Day at A Time

Focus on Yourself

Attend Meetings

Make Calls to Alanon Members

Come Here Post and visit chat

Things will get better

You are not alone.

-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 19th of November 2009 10:46:11 AM

cassidy2010 · Member

Thanks Rocky38,Mattie and Cdngirl,everyone,

   I appreciate the thoughts and prayers.You know I've tried everything to make things easier so that he wouldn't stress out and feel the need to drink.I've tried to be the best homemaker I can.Keeping the home clean,cooking,doing the yardwork,paying the bills ,caring for our children ,who I am happy to say are on honor roll =) Even wash the cars and have them serviced...so all he has to do is go to work and I take care of the homefront.
    While lying underneath his truck holding the driveshaft while my Dad positoned the tranny .I'm like WTF ? Why am I doing this to make his life easier what?? He'll still drink and won't apprecaite my efforts everything I've done has been in vain.I'm tired greasy and I want someone to lean on .I can't do this anymore.I know I am in the valley I just got to figure out how to conquer the mountain...

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 19th of November 2009 11:09:27 AM

supermom · Veteran Member

Cassidy,
You are certainly welcome. I too tried to make everything easy for my alcoholic. It was exhausting and it wasn't appreciated. I also had people tell me to leave him and I had the same thought "in sickness and in health." I knew that I had to stay. I finally called rehab for him. Surprisingly, he agreed to go. But before that, I was talking on the phone to someone who worked there and I just started crying. I said, "I can't do this anymore." The nurse on the phone said, "Then stop helping him. He has to come in on his own." Stop helping. That thought hit me really hard. Maybe the reason I was so exhausted was because I was trying so hard to help him. Anyway, about an hour later, he asked me to take him to rehab. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my whole life.
Here I am almost 2 months later. He is still in recovery and he is taking medication for the disorder. I thank God everyday for his sobriety and his willingness to get help.
Hope this helps. Thanks for letting me share a little of my story.
Keep coming back!
Supermom

cassidy2010 · Member

Thanks again Supermom,
for sharing your story with me.I feel so small in such a big world.I know I'm a mess.I sit here while the kids are at school and cry .I know feeling sorry for myself won't help.I feel as though I've tried every avenue.After several times in jail He had court ordered therapy.He was cold and indifferent.It's like when things are going great he feels the need to screw up majorly.I've asked him is it attention you want? What do you want ??? I remember having no clue he had mental issues until he started coming in 2 or 3 in the morning.I was preganant at the time so I thought he must be cheating.Then I get a call 1am in the morning he flipped our car .He was supposed to be home at 5 in the afternoon.He blamed me said I paged him and he he tried to reply back and wrecked.The doc said he blacked out and wrecked.He couldn't remember how he got where he was.Then after the accident drinking heavily.I would try to hide it from his Mom cause we lived with her and she would blame me.So how everything was my fault.He was later arrested 3 times and spent 2 weeks at a mental health facility then I had him addmitted to another mental health place for a few weeks.They bascially kept him drugged he couldn't function .Finally we got him on meds that worked but he just wouldn't stop the drinking.Now it's been a year no medicine just beer everyday and sleeping pills.He follows me around when he gets home tells me he loves me.Now I'm the one who's cold and indifferent.We spoke to our preacher and he said give him a chance.If he's lying and doesn't change I say to you leave.I thought that would open his eyes.That was in January.I have given him numerous chances and he's broken every promise.How much longer do I put myself through this ?I think I'm losing my mind.

supermom · Veteran Member

Can you go to a face to face al anon meeting? That was one of the things that I actually did for myself. I got a babysitter I could trust for 2 hours (we don't live close to the meeting place for al anon). I knew that my kids were safe so I could actually relax for an hour while I sat and listened. I just sat in the meeting and listened. I felt comforted knowing others in the room understood my pain and I didn't even have to say anything!
Please keep posting. Take care of yourself.
Supermom

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.