Hi all,
I think I will continue to be amazed at the power this program can have on a person. I had a hard time seeing it in the past becuase my "A" insisted that Al-anon was not working for me. I didn't realize then that validation was needed, but it was. Now I am getting validation from all sorts of people and I can see the recovery in my life without them pointing it out to me.

Awareness, Acceptance, and Action....that's me today. By working this program, going to meetings, reading my lit, coming here is all key to this program. What truly unlocked my doors and allowed me to fully embrace this program was talking about it with other alanons. I wasn't ready before so I am not beating myself up, it took my years to open up and trust.

For those of you who do not have a sponsor, please find one. I am working with my sponsor and most of the time I don't even realize how program it all is. I see her as a friend and I can feel her guiding me. I just had to let her in. I have since shared with her some very ugly things from my past and I was ashamed of them, and a few things were not even my fault. Her reaction....just what I needed.

I never knew how much I needed to feel safe until yesterday. I met with my counselor and shared with her the things I just recently shared with my sponsor. My counselor pointed out that those things that happened to me as a little girl ruined my sense of safety and trust. She wants to work on this with me. It was so relieving to hear. All this time I thought my inability to trust and let someone in was all my fault that if only I tried a little harder I could make it happen. I felt so guilty for not letting my husband in completly, and that is when I thought I trusted him. What I know now, is that I couldn't let him in. I NEED to feel safe and if I don't I lock up.

This program is a process. It takes time. I am learning more and more about me everyday. My sponsor uses the analogy of peeling back an onion. Each layer I remove is allowing me to see more. Some of the peeling hurts, seeing things you buried for your "protection" and some of it feels good to shed that ugliness or unneeded crap.

I was very very hurt and scared when I walked into Al-anon and my onion is still needing a lot of work. I was peeling all these years and that is what made me ready to be where I am today.

Yesterday after revealing those ugly things that happened to me as a little girl, I was able to share what I have become aware of since then about how that situation affected me. My counselor said to me something that really helped. She said she is pround of me because I am choosing recovery.

Yes, recovery is a choice and not an easy one. For me I had to take a good hard long look at myself. A few months ago I saw nothing positive, only the ugliness. My sponsor and her onion peeling ruined that for me.  Now I can still see some ugliness, but dang her now I see some good stuff. My disease wants to keep me looking at the ugliness.

Leaving that behind is like stepping out of a pair of really comfortable shoes and seeing the beauty and goodness is like wearing a pair of brand new shoes. I am choosing the uncomfortableness of the new shoes. Yes my feet will get pinched and I might get blisters, but how aweome  is it going to feel when I get used to them.

Today I choose recovery!

Mandy