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I thought it would be a good idea to post here tonight. I'm looking for some ESH and maybe for my HP to give me a clue on this question.
For background, many of you know that I am with an active AH. We've been together a long time (> 25 years all told) and have a teenage son. We originally came to the USA from our home country a while back and still have family (parents, siblings, neices, nephews etc) there. My parents are getting quite elderly and I have made plans to go visit for almost two weeks without my AH or teenage son.
My problem is that I'm very worried about what may happen to AH while I'm gone - about two weeks. I am certain my son will be ok as he will be in the care of his girlfriend's family, working, school etc.
It's a different story for my AH. As I think about preparing to go, I'm worried that my AH will likely not take his medicine, some of it needed to help avoid seizures, he will likely not eat and won't answer the phone if I call to see how he is. Something bad could happen to him while I'm gone........I believe this to be the case as he is currently not taking his meds unless I hand them to him, he is not eating, drinking 24/7.
This is FEAR. I know something bad can happen to him even if I don't go away, and I can't get in the way of HP's plan for him, but I'm on unsteady ground here. Having trouble detaching quite this much!
A friend in alanon once told me "don't project, just pray" so I'm turning this over to HP. I'm so close to cancelling the whole trip, maybe it's too much. But I really want to see my family (it's been 2 years) so I'm turning it over to try and understand my HP will for me.
Something bad could happen to him while I'm gone........I believe this to be the case as he is currently not taking his meds unless I hand them to him, he is not eating, drinking 24/7.
This is FEAR. I know something bad can happen to him even if I don't go away, and I can't get in the way of HP's plan for him, but I'm on unsteady ground here. Having trouble detaching quite this much!
A friend in alanon once told me "don't project, just pray" so I'm turning this over to HP. I'm so close to cancelling the whole trip, maybe it's too much. But I really want to see my family (it's been 2 years) so I'm turning it over to try and understand my HP will for me.
Hi Rocky
I truly admire your program and have been often enriched by your ESH.
You are a realist and have presented the situation with your husband very clearly. I understand your concern and fear of taking the trip. I do believe your alanon friend had very good advise. DO NOT PROJECT and PRAY. My program tools suggest that : I take the actions and let go of the results. Focus on myself and remember that I am powerless over others.
I believe that this trip is important to you. You have provided well for your son, is there a friend of your husband's or a neighbor that you could ask to stop in on a daily basis and just visit and suggest he eat and take meds.? That worked for me.
I do pray that you take this trip and that all works out for each of you.
Please continue with your plans to see your parents , you will never forgive yourself if something happened and u didnt go . Your husb will have to take care of himself for the next two weeks , he is a big boy . Our detachment pamphlet is amazing . pick up a few and keep them in your luggage in your purse anywhere u can get at it on short notice . That pamphlet changed my life allowed me to separate myself from his stuff. Kinda step by step instructions on how to let go with love and respect.
It sounds like you are in a tough place. In the serenity prayer, we ask for the wisdom to know the difference between what you can do and what you have to accept. This might be a good time to seek wisdom. Sometimes when I take time out for myself, take care of myself, the right actions are revealed to me on how I should handle situations with others. Maybe when I am well rested, I am more open to seeing HP's guidance.... Not sure exactly why, but I know I can usually figure out the best solution for me at that moment. Good luck, and relying on HP is a very positive thing to do!
We can't let the addict's life get in the way of our life. I can remember leaving hubby even to go to work and was afraid of what I would come home to. Did he take his medication? Would he be drinking (silly me!)? If he mixed his medications and the alcohol then what would I find? I use to call him every time to remind him to take his meds. At some point I was spending more time on this rather than concentrating on my work.
Detaching is hard. But as Abbyal suggested that phamplet is gold. I wish I had thought of it to keep one copy in my locker and one in my purse. I could have used the reminder. All you can do is turn him over to his HP and go on with your life. The man is adult. Allow him the dignity of making choices (even if they are the wrong ones) and living the consequences of those choices.
My parents are gone and I would give anything to be able to see them. Go on your trip. Enjoy it. Enjoy the time with them. Life is too short to put important things like this on hold. Have a safe journey. Much love and blessings to you and your family. Hug your parents for me, because I can't hug mine.
Live strong, Kairlynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
My humble thanks to all for your ESH on this. I have realized that as hubby's disease progresses, so too does mine and I'm so tempted to take him back from HP - a task for which I am not built for "I AM NOT HE". I'm going to get armfuls of the detachment leaflet at my meeting this week, turn hubby over to HP and see if I can have someone look in on him when I'm gone.
Hubby told me he wants to stop because he fears death is imminent and he wants to live. He's on day 2 of withdrawal. I offered to take him to medical detox as it's verydangerous to try it by himself. He refuses. He says he will start outpatient - I hope he does, but we've been down this road before.
I have taken up some extra service work in the hope that this will keep me focused on my own recovery. I'm also looking forward to seeing my family back home. My sister just learned she will need a hysterectomy due to a growth in her uterus that came back after D&C. Likely not cancer, but some risk. My Dad, the hero of my life, wants to see me. I can't wait to give him a huge hug. After my mother left hi for the first alcoholic in her life, he single handedly raised all 4 of his daughters. Amazing man!
