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Hi everyone, I've been snooping around and decided to join. My husband is an alcoholic. He's been to two AA sessions (apparently) but still 'hides' drinking. We've only been married just over a year - in our late twenties. Lies, ridiculous excuses, outlandish stories of why there's a stash behind stuff at the back of the closet hidden under stuff shoved in a bag, ect.. I'm sure this sounds familiar.
One thing I'm curious about is: are most alcoholics ashamed of everyone to know about their disease? I mean, do all your friends and family and your alcoholic's family know about their disease? I talk about my husbands alcohol abuse with a few close friends but my husband's family and his friends (who he doesn't see often) have no clue. My family and OUR friends know because they seem him often enough to pick up on it and they ask me about it.....but for those (like my husbands family) who don't see him often and so when they do, if he's drunk, they don't think much of it....even when he's passing out falling over and puking one hour into the evening.
I just wonder - should I tell his family and talk to them about it so they can help in the recovery process? Or, is it up to my husband to open up to whoever he wants to open up to?
I feel like his family and friends who don't know think I'm crazy and mean because I get so upset when he's drunk....but they don't have a clue what goes on.
I just don't know if it's my place to share. If my husband had it his way, no one would ever know anything.
Any advice or stories would be so much appreciated. Thank you!
Hello and welcome , it is up to your husb to say he has a problem when he is ready to do somthing about it . How ever if we stop enabling and making them look good they will soon clue in to what is going on . Please find Al-Anon meetings for yourself , your going to need support . family and friends think were crazy * yep they do* cause were acting like it . we are the ones who watch how much they drink , were the ones who keep asking them to go home and eventually we are the ones who get angry , while they continue on having a great time . When we stop trying to protect them from thier own behavior , when we stop believing the lies , when we stop lying for them or making excuses for thier behavior when we stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselve s they wil have the oportunity to grow up and become responsible human beings. I suspect his family have some idea that there is a problem , but denial is a wonderful thing . Your husb recovery is up to him u cannot help him , if u want to support him find your own program , work it as best u can and step aside so God can get at him .
Most alcoholics aren't ashamed because they don't think they have a problem -- that's part of the disease. The sad truth is that the family can't help in his recovery because no one can do it but him. The 3C's say you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. That's true for you and true for his family.
You could tell them about the problem, or confide in one or two of them, but you'd have to be braced for denial. If they haven't seen it, they might not believe you. And if a family asks the alcoholic, of course he'll deny it, because he thinks he hasn't got a problem. My husband used to accuse me of being neurotic about alcohol -- I "didn't want him to be able to relax" -- he thought I should see a psychiatrist about my "obsession with alcohol" and my "suspicious nature." He thought passing out was just "relaxing" and thinking passing out was a problem was my "neurosis." That's how bad the denial gets -- and worse.
People respond to an alcoholic's denial two ways: either they start to detach, or they get sucked into the craziness too. So you can't be sure his family won't get sucked into the craziness too. For support, your local Al-Anon meetings (and this board) are full of people who really do understand. Work on your own program, go to meetings, keep coming back -- you're the one you can change, and it's worth it.
My AH told his own mom on a day that things got really bad - he called her and told her everything and that he was going to AA (and went to his first meeting that day).
He also told me to tell my parents about all the problems we were having, because he wanted me to have support. So I did.
After his second AA meeting, he went back into denial again and hated the fact that all the parents knew about it. His mom called him often wanting to know about things, and she drove him crazy. He stopped wanting to see any family because of how awkward and awful he thought it would be.
I'm definitely glad I wasn't the one to tell his family, that would have a been a huge reason for him to resent me. But yes, he is definitely ashamed of his disease (and so far doesn't even see it as a disease, but is ashamed of his drinking and the fact that he had to go to AA), I think this is pretty common.
Hi Danielle.... in my opinion, most A's are, in fact, ashamed of their disease, and I also believe that most of them, deep down, realize they have a problem, long before they ever admit it to others...
As far as talking to others about his disease - it typically isn't of any value, and gives him reason to use you as a scapegoat for blame, etc.... If possible, just take care of yourself, choose recovery for yourself, and the truth (his truth) will come out at some point....
Having a recovery program for yourself is ultra important, as without one, you'd likely find way too many examples where you get frustrated, because of the lie he is living right now...
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I guess I should have put it this way: they are ashamed of alcoholism, and one way they avoid having to feel that shame is to insist they're not alcoholic. But really I think they feel shame about many, many things, and alcoholic is a way to escape those feelings of shame ... which then causes more problems, and more shame...
Here is what I know. My AH has lost his license twice, made a public spectacle o himself on many occasions, has had his dad go and remove him from the bar, fone MIA while on a drunk, passed out behind the wheel of the vehicle (after swearing never to drink and drive again) and his family knows all about it. Do they acknowledge it? No Do they make comments about it? Yes, but not to him. Do they still offer my 11, 13 and 15 year old a drink at family functions. Yes Are any of his parents or siblings or parents alcoholics? Not at all and his sister councils drug and alcohol addiction. But they are incapable of dealing with his problem. It is easier to ignore than deal with the word - alcholic because I think they would be admitting failure on their part. I am sure they have been part of his enabling because they are all so glib to the underage drinking that goes on in the family and they would feel they have to admit they failed as parents or that it is not normal behaviour. (and we all want to be normal - right?) It is very sad but bringing it to their attention will do no good - they have their own bottom to reach as well in dealing with their son's drinking.
So what to do? The only thing you can do - work on you!!! Be healthy for you and your kids. It isn't yours to fix (your AH). This you have all heard and it is all true.
As for me and my AH - after 21 years I am working on my "clean and healthy" escape from my roller coaster life. I don't know what normal is - but I am pretty sure it isn't the one I have walking on egg shells. My AH's mom - who is a wonderful lady - worries about her children's marriages ending. Why does that generation not worry more about those same marriages being happy? They can see the problems - but they wish to ignore them. They would be appalled if they knew I attend Alanon meetings with their friends and neighbors (thank goodness for the code of privacy at meetings) and they will never understand what we have lived with. I am beyond trying to convince them - they can have their bubble and maybe someday they will realize that they need to deal with these things. I have nephews who are headed down the same path and right now everyone jokes about their drunken escapades. When they get married, they won't be funny to spouses or children. It is a viscious cycle but we need to find the strength to make it stop. I don't want this for my children and neither do you. Alanon will help you help them. You can't fix the problems that aren't yours - not his parent's and not his. It is hard, but you will find a way to find that inner peace. I wish you a strong and faith filled journey.
Thanks so much everyone for your insightful replies. It's been a while since I've been on these boards but I'm back now, for good, as obviously I need the support. A lot has happened in the last year, since my original post.
