The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
5 years ago today my AHsober of 30 years said that he wanted a divorce. He said that he didn't love me, that he wasn't happy, and that the purpose of life was happiness. He said that he will always be an addict and he was tired trying to get better and working on our relationship. I of course was devastated and really still am. He has faded in and out of our marriage over the years. He has threatened divorce many, many times. When he said it this time, what went through my mind was that this was about power and control. Not about love, happiness. So thirty years of a relationship with all kinds of memories - three great sons who probably have our disease in one form or another.
I know I am not the same as five years ago. I was so worried about how I was going to do everything by myself. Remember my concern about the wood?. I have stacks and stacks of wood. I have done everything by myself. Found new friends. Continue to do the things that bring me happiness like exercising and hiking. My grandchildren are a joy. I have been more money than I could have ever hoped for.
I still function at less then a 100%. I don't cry as much but the sadness is still there. I go to my meetings; Alanon when I can but usually AA. What great support they are for me. I have read a lot of literature. I listen to speaker tapes at night and when I drive alone. I call the speakers my friends. I will take comfort and support from everyone. I don't come here as often (more an Internet connection problem at home) but you all are so right on with your esh. He still hasn't filed for divorce. It is not my responsibility but I am learning that it is not healthy for me.
But I do think that I have experienced serenity. At home and at work and now and then with those closer to me. I use to have sleepless nights worrying about what was said or done. I know that I am right where I am suppose to be and I am learning to own my story.
Yes, the Holidays are coming up. I am making a plan to take care of myself. All the best to you all who have been there all along. You remind me that I am not alone and to look to my higher power.
Nancy
-- Edited by nmike on Sunday 15th of November 2009 11:31:36 PM
I remember you five years ago. You have grown much. You are such a strong woman and you have given us muchs esh. I miss seeing your sweet face. I too am thinking about the holidays. Thanksgiving I'm usually alone. That's okay, as I have to be up at 2am Friday morning to go to work. Christmas this year, I am thinking about doing things differently. Don't know yet. Whatever I decided it will be in the best interest of me. You taught me that. Much love and blessings to you and your family. HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
You are an inspiration to so many on this board . . . thank you for your ESH you have shared along your journey. Like Kari said, you have grown sooo much; your program is one of attraction. I am glad to have "known" you and been part of your recovery.
Regarding the holidays, I once had a year when things were not going to work out as the world and society deems on "the day" of the holiday so I made up my own way. I had Christmas totally not on Christmas day but another day. I got up and celebrated Christmas as if it were that day with all of the anticipation and excitement. Alanon has taught me that I can be a square peg and still fit into a round hole.
In support, Maria
__________________
If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Hi Nancy I too have a great fear of being alone but when I am truly honest with myself I have been on my own most of the time anyway my ABF carnt support me let alone himself. Today I am facing my fear I have decided that I will not fight reality anymore I care for him and I know he loves me, but his illness is hurting me so much. I have been granted a life to live my sponsor tells me it was not given to donate to other she always tells me to ready page 86 in ODAT. I have to accept this illness and detach my emtions or leave and create the life i desire. I am struggling at mo many emotions, guilt pops up, acking for the dream but I know its not right for me in my gut. So I am trying to be brave and working my programme. Do what is right for you, love you, you are important , you are special only you can create the life you desire. I have been facing the consequences of my choices and they are painful I choose different choices today and I know once I am out the other side life will be brighter
hope this helps take what you like and leave the rest
