The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Im new here. Kinda unsure of what to think yet, but I am really in need of a place to vent where people can understand what I am going threw and to hear stories of what others are going threw as well. Im at my wits end with my husband. And although we have been threw SO MUCH DRAMA this year regarding his drinking and drug use, a part of me cant let go. It still holding onto hope that he will finally get clean and stay clean. ALthough truthfully as I sit here tonight waiting for him to drag his drunk ass in here,(its 2 am) i must say my faith in him is fastly dwindling. It's a rollercoaster ride for sure. He gets clean and things are great, then all of a sudden BAM! he's back out there drinking and druggin. And my husbands not a hang out at the buddies drinking a few beers kinda guy. He's an all out hard core binger, who cant handle liqour well because he mixes it with drugs of any kind, depending on what he can get. He can drink for days on end. Im sick with worry most of the time when he is in active addiction. Im nervous, anxious, sad, scared ect, ect. He just recently had a clean stretch of 2 months when he "slipped" and had a few beers after a fight of ours. Well a week later he's "slippin" all over. Two nights ago he came here barely walking knockin on the door, and tonight-well he is still out. Not sure if im going to be seeing him tonight or what. The sad thing is, and what is also holding me back, is the fact that we have three wonderful children together, and also one on the way :O Im nearly seven months pregnant. ANd where is my supposed to be devoted husband? And do I really want to bring this baby into the crazy relationship of ours? Or do I not want the new baby to know his dad, because really when he's clean he is a awesome dad. The kids love him, they would chose him over me most of the time. well nearly everytime cause to them their dad is their hero. Which is sad. Cause he aint acting like no hero. He's been out of work a while. mostly due to the fact that theres no jobs around here. But he's supposed to be hired here soon, but Im scared that now that he 's using again, he wont get the job. Its a great possibility. I think he understands that but its just not enough to get him to stop. Its almost christmas and Im the one worried, not him. I feel like Im just as sick as he is, after all these years of enabling. But i swear it, I never thought in a million years that I was enabling him, cause thats the last thing I want to do ya know!? keeping my family together is the most important thing in the world to me. But I cant do it alone. My heart has been broken so many times by his addcition. I grew up in a broken home. My father is an alcoholic and wasnt around. So all I've ever wanted for my children was to know what its like to have a father. My husband's story is no different. But worse. His mother abandoned him and his six siblings and left them all to his alcoholic father (god rest both their souls as they have passed on) and I know this has had a signifigant impact on his life. He always said that he wanted to be good dad ever since he was little, but when actually he is doing the same things that mine and his father did to us. It's senseless this disease, and im without a husband right now,. I hope he comes back to me as the man I married. I miss that man dearly. He;s a stranger now. who lies, cheats, steals, sneaks and manipulates. Im a my wits ends not knowing what to do. Time to get some sleep tho, its now 3 am. Thanks for letting me vent, I shall be back.
Wow...reading that post I could totally hear myself. It was like I wrote it. I've been in your shoes, a trillion times...at the same time as well when I too was pregnant with our fourth child. I'm so sorry...I know exactly what your going through......I had been with my husband since our senior year of highschool....17 years old..for 20 years we've been together, and I waited and waited and waited for him to get cleaned up for good, always believing it would happen because he'd be great for a few months or longer..and then the cycle would start all over again...binging..whatever. I thought having kids would make him stop drinking. I tried everything...nothing worked, and in the end, he left me this summer and is living with a girl who allows him to drink and do whatever he wants. I've been heartbroke, but this time I'm stronger, I have to be. Somehow it's a little different.
I look back and read my journal that I've kept for 15 years and I read my old posts on here remembering all the craziness and knowing that now this new girl has to deal with it and I have to remind myself that I should be thankful that I no longer have to. All I ever wanted was my family together and for him to stop, and I look at his dad and see that his dad still struggles and does the same crap, and do I want to still be dealing with that when I'm older and retired?? We all deserve better, our kids deserve better, we and they do not deserve to just have a part time dad/husband good only for so many months out of the year. We deserve that ALL year!!
HUGS to you....I started coming to this site 4 years ago...keep coming back, we all lean on each other for strength and hope. Take care
I'm so happy you found your way here. It sounds like you are at the end of your rope. Many of us have similar stories and we can definitely relate to the insanity you describe.
You are clearly in a lot of distress and need some support to help you get through this. The problem for many of us enablers is that we look for support where we cannot get it- a person who has one of the powerful, cunning and baffling diseases I've ever encountered.
In my own story, I arrived at the same point of desperation you appear to be at and followed the advice of someone here and did nothing for 6 months except to try and take care of myself, to get some support, in the rooms of al-anon. I decided I had nothing to lose, and went to my local meeting. I learned how to take better care of myself, how to get support from wonderful people who can give it and how to detach, with love, from my alcoholic husbands drama. Relief!
Please keep coming back here, take care of your kiddies and consider al-anon for your own sanity.
Hi, I am so sorry that you are having o go through this pain , but you have found a valuable tool in this site for you to get better. My partner is out on a binge now and has been for three days like your partner he mixes drink and drugs so can go on for days. I used to turn to family and friends but they never understood and told me to leave. They got so angrey watching my pain. Today I come on here for support instead, the people on here do not judge or give advise. We try to learn this programme and put the tools its tools to use in our lives so that we get better because you are right we become as sick as they are the whole family does. Meetings are so benefical I go to two a week. You have three children can you get a baby siiter one a week. there are also meetings online here if you carnt. You can also purchase literature which I read a number of times a day. I have phone numbers from people at my group and they ae very supportive. I also have a sponsor someone who has been in Al anon for over 20 years she learns me how to use this programme. Today my partner is out abusing himelf and I have had a bad couple of days but thanks to Al anon and using my tools I feel great today.
In al anon they say go to six meetings if its not for you , you can have your misery back I didnt want mine back so kept coming and guess what it works i am getting better wether he is or not. One of the biggest things that I have learnt is that this is an illness my partner will be devastd when he realises he has s;ipped again he does love all of us but there is nothing I can do. I did not cause it, I can not control it believe me I have tried ans I can not cure it.
Hope to see you on her for you and your kids sake.
You have found a place where you can be understood, I have walked in your shoes dear friend, they are awful shoes to be in I know.
Please keep coming back, keep posting, if you can't find alanon meetings near you they are right here on this site and they are wonderful.
It is very unfortunate what addiction does to people...my husband also drank and did drugs....he is no longer with us the addiction finally won....I can only pray he has found some peace in his next life that he could not find here.
Where there is life there is hope. Get yourself well and maybe your husband will follow. You need to focus on you for now and getting yourself well because weather you know it on not you are sick as well dear friend. Living with addiction makes us sick as well. You are powerless over his addiction however, you have power over you. The tools are here and the life experience is here as well...most of us can totally relate to your story.
Once again welcome. There is also a chat room please pop in...there is much love and compassion here.
Peace, Andrea
-- Edited by Andrea12 on Sunday 15th of November 2009 05:23:17 PM
Hanging-On, You are in the right place. I heard a lot of my story in your share.
My husband is also an alcoholic/addict and was since the day I met him. I wanted to fix him when we met...I just knew I could. If only the me from today could talk to the me 12 years ago.
I have three children they are 10, 7, and 6. I also thought that dad was their hero, but I since found out that is just not true. My middle daughter I thought worshiped him. But since I have asked him to leave, they have shown me in so many ways that I am the one they feel safer with.
In alanon I learned the 3 C's...I didn't cause his addiciton, I can't control his addiciton, and I can not cure his addiction. I had to stop obsessing about him and keep the focus on me. That takes a lot of work, but it is so worth it.
I made the choice to ask my hub to leave. I ran out of hope and realized that he is not the man of my dreams. His beast has full control over him and right now there is nothing I recognize when I look at him. I love him dearly and I am grateful that I asked him to leave before I started to hate him...and I was close to that.
I was tired of feeling alone, I was tired of the constant need to be on the defense. I was tired of telling the kids that I didn't know where dad was or when he was coming home when they asked. I was tired of living in fear that I would get arrested for something he had here. I was tired of being tired.
I will be filing divorce papers soon. But I want to stress that is my choice and it may not be right for everyone.
Your alanon journey could lead you on a different path.....and that is what is amazing about this program is that it is your path. We are just here to share in your journey.
I hope you keep coming back.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Thanks you all, writing this down and then reading the replies has really helped me today. I've never gotten stuff out like this, only writing things out in my journal for my eyes only. But it's comforting to know that their are other people out there who know what it is that Im going threw. It's hard to talk about these things with most people I know. For the most part, they just tell me to leave, their anger stemming from the hurt that we go threw. They think Im crazy for still being here, and I guess I can see why, but I guess mostly they just dont understand. Im very happy to have discovered this community. Today I had a good day, despite the not so great day my husband had. I left him at home, took the kids to visit their Grandmother and went on a girls day with my sister, (she is also pregnant :)) and her and I went shopping. It felt great to let my worry and concern over him go even if it was only for a moment, and just focus on me. I was taking in some advice when I was thinking that just because he is down and out, doesnt mean that I have to be, and I went on to have a great day!
I'd really like to hear more about this detaching with love? sounds interesting/
Tommorrow morning we find out when he will be admitted to detox. Hopefully it is on Tuesday and he can begin another journey. He says how tierd he is of being so unhappy. I say me too. lol
Yes- keep writing, keep reading - work with the alanon books and journal answers to the questions at the end of each step. This online group has saved my life. My ex left last month and I don't know where he is. I worry obsessively. I think he moved in with another woman. I go to meetings when I can which is the only thing right now which gives me peace. Now he called me to tell me he is sick? There is nothing I can do, I don't know where he is, I don't know what is wrong. It sounds so easy to "let go and let hard" but its the hardest words I have ever had to say and believe. I worry constsantly and obsess - today I forced myself to drive and listen only to the road for 30 minutes - not my constant thoughts and questions about where, how and why?
