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Sometimes I have doubt that my soon to be ex AH has a problem. When I look through my journal, and back at our lives together (20 years together) and I remember all those binges he went on, the four times he was in rehab, the many many hospital visits, I know he has a problem. But then he'll be able to control it for awhile, for months, he'll go to work, he'll do his thing and carry on and be fine, he'll just drink at night, and he won't go on a binge, so I begin to have doubts that he has a problem, and I wonder if all those years if it was me, because I nagged him to stop drinking, because we had kids young, because I put pressure on him to support the family........
Does anyone else ever have doubts? How do I get past this? I just know he had/has a problem, but I'm constantly fighting my mind that maybe he doesn't? Maybe he'll finally beable to control his drinking now?
Hello sd, I think if u re read your own post ,your going to find your answers . Hospital visits , rehab 4 times , how many people do u know that dont have a drinking problem end up in hospital or rehab ? He will be able to control it ? would only drink at nite no reason to binge if getting a steady dose of booze on a daily basis . You are not the reason he drinks , your simply not that powerful to make any one drink or stop . If your not already please go to meetings f2f you need support , you will find your answers there. Louise
I have that same issue, because my ex AH doesn't drink or binge every day or every week or even every month. He's gone as much as nearly a year without a problem sometimes. But he always relapses. He'll be fine for a while, and then suddenly he's back at it. So now I know that however fine he seems for the moment, the dark times will come again. They always will unless he goes into real recovery. It sounds as if your A is similar.
Alanon is for people who are disturbed by anothers drinking. We gather together to share our ESH in order to solve our problems.
Alanon tools are designed to help the non drinker find serenity, courage and peace. I had to take the spotlight off the alcoholic and place it fully on me. Someone here always asks the questions" The alcoholic is going to drink What are you going to do"
I learned to focus on myself, live one day at a time and take constructive actions to live my life with dignity and compassion.
What did I need to be happy? What did thar look like? Then I needed to take the sometimes painful actions to accomplish my goals.
Alanon suggests takin gno action s for the first 6 onths in program . That is so we can become centered and learn new ways of seeing our world and responding to it.
The questionof staying in your marriage is serious and painful I pray for your peace.
Yes, I have had self-doubts. I still do; however, I look at the facts that have accumulated over the years and ask if my self-doubts are valid. They are not.
I have found that what keeps me marinating in self-doubt is primarily fear. Fear of many things. It's no way to live
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Oh I so know what you are talking about - married here to my AH for 21 years. No, he isn't the type that drinks all the time - but he binges and sometimes he has just that one too many that makes him very verbally mean. But it is the in between that is so hard - because he is a classic dry drunk. In the last two years I have actually questioned my sanity because I was starting to believe all the stuff he accused me of or said was wrong with me. But, a smart person told me to go back to Alanon. And here I am -because I want to know normal. And, I have found the strength to focus on me (this freaks him out even more because he doesn't know what to make of the woman whose buttons he can't push). But, I found the strength to say NO MORE to him - I never mentioned the drinking - I said I can't live with the yelling, nit picking and the accusations of me doing things (cheating, lying, etc.). He monitors my every move because he thinks my "loving me" behaviour means I am loving someone else on the side :) Anyway, he admitted he needs to makes some personal changes. But here is the hard part. He has said he would make changes in the past but without going to AA he can't do it because he just doesn't know how. Before, I wanted to believe him when he said those words, because I so wanted to make things work. But, no, not this time, I don't believe him. But, I will let him try - this is the last time. But it has only been a week and a half and he is slipping. I am not angry at him for reverting to his old behaviours - I have no expectations of him. But I do of me - I will not get on his roller coaster ride. I have tried, I am working on me but the buck stops there. I will not stay in this marriage. Too much has gone on and I no longer see the man I married nor do I know how to love him again - disease or no disease, I won't live with the pain or agony. The rest of the world sees this great guy - only me and my girls know the truth. He needs help. I hope someday he finds it but it is too late for us. I don't have room in my life for an AA and I may always be a co-dependant but I will not live in a situation where alcohol rules the roost. I am done with that and I want my girls to know that is not NORMAL. I have doubts all the time - right now he is being so nice and I feel guilty because I now realize his promises don't matter anymore. I doubt my judgement of his behaviour; I am doubting my decision to leave; but it just takes one outburst and I know all doubt will be gone. We doubt because we still think the problem is maybe just in our head - what will people think? We doubt what is normal - maybe every marriage the husband is always angry, finding fault, getting drunk - maybe we ask for way too much? Maybe all couples fall out of love after 21 years? Maybe this is a good as it gets? Maybe if I leave I will regret that decision because there isn't a better man out there? The doubts are endless...
So, it is up to you - how do you see your life? Only you have the power to be happy - he can't do that for you. But when we leave we have to know that the happiness we find is not from being with someone else - it is from being content within ourselves with another partner or by ourselves. I am not fooling myself into thinking I will ever get married again, but in alot of ways I have lived my married life alone anyway - there just won't be someone getting mad at me all the time and using me as their scapegoat. I anticipate the weight of the world will come off my shoulders. When I told him I didn't want to be married to him anymore - I felt better. He doesn't believe me - but eventually he will have to. I guess he has doubts too.
