"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

When did you start "getting it?"

Lilly Burn · Veteran Member

Canadianguy, Im still waiting for my aha moments, but that was a great post, made me laugh at the ludicrous ways we deny for ourselves the blindingly obvious for so very long, your ability to share with a sense of humour is uplifting. Thank you. Lilly

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow, Tom, I wish I could remember my aha's so clearly.

One that I do remember is when I realized that I could not save my AH from his disease. I had to tell him that I could not help him or save him, that he had to do that himself. I would not be destroyed with him and he knew where to find people who could help. And I let him go. That was so hard, but I felt free, no longer locked in an unwinable battle with the disease.

I'll think of more.

Katy · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Tom,

I love sharing your journey, and I read this post earlier in the week and wondered if it would help not only me but others to repost it, and here it is, I can identify so much with where you have been and how far you have come.

My story is quite similar, when the A gets sober, you have a new set of problems and how to deal with them is the big kicker for me, when the alchoholic stops drinking, it's a whole new ball game, how to deal with life on life's terms?

Accepting my part, I'm not proud to admit at times I have used my husbands drinking as an excuse for my own bad behaviour, and suddenly when the rug is pulled from under you, having to face the stark reality is quite daunting.

You know all the years I truly belived if he would only stop drinking, we would have the perfect life, how blinkered I was, how self righteous, and I was so much more, we are still together and struggling at times, we both used alcholism as a crutch, Oh I just had an aha moment right now, that way of living has ended, and a choice of a new and better way to live has happened for the both of us.

Oh I hate to admit this but it's true, his sobriety has made me feel worse about myself at times, it's hard work taking responsibility for yourself, but how nice to be captain of your own ship!

Much love to all

katy

x

Rocky38 · Senior Member

Tom, thankyou! Wonderful examples of the power of recovery.

I'll add a few of mine:

1. Compassion - I came home from work one day and my AH and my cat were sitting on our sun chair. I put down my bag and turned to my cat, gave her a big happy hello and scratched her under her chin. I then turned to my AH and said in a sad/angry voice - are you drunk? I think my HP intervened and told me, you treat him worse than your cat! I turned to AH again and said forget what I just said. I then said hello in a big happy voice and scratched him under his chin. We were both so surprised by my action we began to laugh hysterically at the irony and realization. I apologised to him for all the times I had treated him as "less than" and have had compassion and RESPECT ever since. Thankyou HP!

2. Alcoholism is a disease - My AH suffered from a stroke last year that almost took his life. For a time, he was unable to walk, to remember who people were, to talk properly, behavior was haywire etc. I would visit him at the rehab hospital each day and pray that HP had also wiped out that part of his brain that desired to drink (LOL). We would walk the hospital grounds in his wheelchair and each time he would request to stop at the hospital store, he would wheel over to the candy bars, and pick up handfuls of chocolate bars. I was shocked at first - I had never seen him want so much candy before. Then I realized, he was substituting something for the alcohol cravings. It's not just psychological, it's physical/chemical as well. After 6 weeks he came home with a walking aid. Within one week of beeing home he was using the walking aid to go to the liqor store again. Powerful, cunning and baffling DISEASE.

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Tom,
Thank you for your amazingly helpful post. I, too, can relate to all that you shared. All that you wrote applies to my life with my AH. I might print it and stick it on my frig!

My latest Aha moment:
I was listening to a CD of one of Guy Finley's talks about negative feelings.

He said in essence, we try to get another person to change because we do not want to take the responsibity for our feelings. My initial reaction was: Huh? If my AH hadn't ran a red light.......... then I wouldn't feel this scared, hopeless, lost..... and oh so pissed! His fault! His fault!

Then Finley said that we want the person whom we think is causing our grief to change because we do not want to take responsiblity for our feelings. Ding...ding.....ding. The bell went off and I had to laugh at myself.

So, in other words, many of us subconsciously reason: if he or she changes, then I won't feel this way. Which could be true. However, we can't change him or her. So what do we do with our feelings?

Take responsibility.

Deal with them.

Look in the mirror and deal with that person. Deal with our feelings. Quit pointing the finger. Take responsiblity, which might mean implementing some heavy-duty changes in thy life.

I, too, sat in my psychologist's office hoping to hear, "Poor Gail............... you're such a saint to put up with......" That used to make me so angry when I didn't get any sympathy or praise. But I eventually realized that when I got angry over what the psychologist did or didn't say, I'd better tune in and learn why I felt that way. When I'm angry in his office, there is a lesson to learn. How thankful I am that he didn't lay on the sympathies. I'd still be limp dishrag!

Again, thanks so much for your post. Well written as usual.

-- Edited by GailMichelle on Saturday 14th of November 2009 09:55:41 AM

Hoot Nanny · ~*Service Worker*~

TOM:
I realize now so much that even me who has been in the program a long time, don't know even close to everything & that daily I am learning new things. I have to let go of the idea that I might actually arrive someday.
I also had to realize that God not me is running the show! I don't have a real clue how to do it! Thank God I can find humor too almost every day as I really need to laugh at something even myself sometimes.
I also am realizing that sometimes meetings aren't enough but that I can contact another Alanon member as often as they will let me. I went through some of my hardest times with the help of a few great women who showed me that I wasn't alone.
So much more has "come' to me over the years. I am so grateful daily that I am able to "live' instead of just mere survival.
Sorry for the long post. I just felt the need to let you know a little about where am at today.
Kathleen

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Love those light bulbs . I have had many over the yrs the first one was a round up in a Huge Hotel in down town Vancouver my sponsor dragged me there kickin and screamin , but I had a plan there was great shopping around that hotel and I had a purse full of money and decided I could ditch her and go shopping instead as this convention was huge .
I sat in the back row ready to bolt when they announced the speaker , it was a gentlman from california and at the time I had not heard an male Al-Anon speaker so I was kinda intreiged and I stayed , he spoke for an hr and I only heard one sentence that made any impact on me . I never did get shopping that day .

I told my wife that if she chose to drink herself to death , so be it = but he was not going with her . went home and booked a trip to mexico with a fav aunt that I had put off for yrs .

The disease thing always casued me problems , I just didnt get it . one nite my husb was waving a beer in my face - not in a threatning way . He said you don't understand , to you this is a problem to me it is a solution !! I looked into his eyes and saw that he truly believed that and was begging me to understand . that was the nite I got it .

At coffee one nite I was whining about my husb never going to stop drinking and a woman said to me what are u going to do when he does stop ! well that never entered my mind .
She went on to say what kind of shape are u going to be in when and if he does quit ? are u going to be of help to him or a hinderance? I am so grateful that i got here to program 3 yrs before my husb quit drinking , by that time I had some compassion for his struggle and was able to support rather than get in his road.

Sobriety was interesting - I called my sponsor one nite complaing that my husb was driving me nuts , every where i went he was right behind me , she starts lauging and says whoa girl u better make up your mind .werent u the same woman who was complaing that he didn't do anything with you a few months ago??? a good lesson in careful what u pray for u just might get it . hehe

20 yrs of sobriety and we still don't think alike . today I know that just because we don't agree on something doesnt mean that I am wrong , it simply means we don't agree.

I learned here that some days all an alcoholic can do , is just not drink . expectations had to go . I learned to accept what was offered and make it enough .

So many more , way too many to post here . thanks for the trip down memory lane .

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Tom I love it when you share that YOU inside.

My aha that changed my life was when I honestly gave my life, my will to hp.

The other was when I really knew addiction was a disease, and it was not personal.

I never worry, I get mixed up, but don't worry. That feeling of not wanting to love the A is not there anymore. I love him, am sad he has such a horrible disease.

Another good thing was the humility that came with it all.

love,debilyn

shellyj123 · ~*Service Worker*~

GREAT POST CG~ Absolutely loved it! Wish I could remember things with such clarity~

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"