The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's funny how at times you think your life is moving on yet you still live with the thoughts and feelings from your past. I can see there are a few still on the site from a time where i participated on MIP. To cut a long story short this is where i'm at today.
I'm now 38 years old and still single. I worked with the terminally ill {cancer] for sixteen years. I'm a caretaker {lol}. The past two years i've been learning photography and have ended my career and returned to college and i'm now a professional freelance photographer, starting a new journey out in the big wide world on my own. How do i feel, yeah i feel scared and excited i'm finding my independence, and i'm going with it, i love it and i feel like i've been born again. I fear no-one, my confidence is at a level beyone belief one i would never have imagined i could aquire. Everything about photography keeps a smile on my face, i work hard and i love what i do, as far as photography goes i'm one very happy little lady. People have tried too kick me already in the industry, i kick back harder than they could ever imagine. I won't allow anyone to destroy my life or pull me down today, i've suffered my lot of that i can now stand up for myself in this world, all through the hard lessons and suffering i've came through in my life.
My problem today is love, what does it mean to me, how should i deal with it, i just don't know. Male friendships scare me, for so long it's all rosey then i panic, i know it's the old rule of rejection or abandonment. I try to battle those feelings but i've accepted they are a part of me and may never go away. I met someone two years ago i call him my soul mate. He was also an ACOA. He's in denial thought, forget it happened. We connected for a year and it was amazing. His only condition was he didn't want a relationship. We stopped seeing eachother almost a year ago, i discovered he had indeed met someone else. We have kept in contact online in that time. I leave him alone for a while and he comes back. We have a very special friendship together. I know we both feel it. He treated me in a way i had never been treated before. Cared for me, loved me in a way and although he has been selfish, at time, arn't we all. I accept him for who he is faults included, I swear he must think i'm mad at times because he knows he's treated me in a bad way and i've never left him as a friend.
He's also a photographer and what got me started, he's making a career and i'm so proud of him. He keeps in touch with my website and sees what's going on in my life through my blogs {yeah i still do them haha}. He's never lost contact with what i'm doing. This week i had been under stress with someone trying to kick me yet again with my career and he read about it. He contacted me and we chatted online just as we always did. He's not been on messenger to me for almost a year. He said he would like us to go out, he would teach me and take pictures together if i wanted. I said to him "that's all i ever wanted for us to remain friends and you to teach me all you know". He said to me "okay done, meaning he will. He then told me he had become engaged a few weeks ago. I know it took a lot for him to tell me that. I told him i wanted him to be happy and he thanked me. A while after he made a comment to me about missing me. I laughed and said to him "oh i know you do, i miss you too, every day, your my soulmate, my friend and you make me smile" he said to me "Aww thank you" and we chatted again.
How do i feel, well, i love him more today than i did two years ago. I don't think i found out what it meant to really love a man until he came into my life. I also let him go when i found out he was with someone else. I've never been with a man since we split up last year. I really do want him to be happy, but a huge part wants him to be happy with me. I've grown tremendously in the past two years, i no longer chase anyone, i've accepted that they will only be with me if they want to and not because i've tried to force them. I'm no longer a cody in the way i once was. I throw myself into my photography to shift my mind from my emotions, it might be wrong but it's what works for me.
I'm confused in a way tonight, and something drew me back to MIP, why, well i guess because i know there are people here who can and do identify with me, and partly because outsiders see me as being a stronger person today and maybe i don't want to allow them to see that inside i still have the old feelings. Especially my family. How should i feel, i want him in my life, i would never ever, interfere with his relationship and i know i have the strength not to, and allow us to be just friends. On the other hand i don't know if he has. Anytime i'm down or struggling with things he "always" contacts me and gives me as he says "that wee kick on the butt" and it works. It makes me feel as if he carers and that means the world to me. He once told me he loved me after i told him. He was the first man ever who i trusted one hundred percent in every area of my life. I can't see me with another man. I guess it scares me in a way, as i'm only thirty eight. Will i remain single should he later marry...
God i can't believe i've just written this on MIP again, i'm so not the same girl i once was. Most parts of my life are so happy, i've found the girl inside me that's no longer living in fear. My relationship with my parents is good today, my dad no longer has a problem with alcohol, he can have a couple and stop, his personality is in no way the same as it was, and in general my family life is great compared to what it was the first thirty years of my life. I only want to be able to accept everything in my life today. When it comes to men i seem to still live with this fear of rejection and abandonment.
I have another friend in my life who is amazing with me, he's helping me build my business, we've known each other about five months, i trust him emensly for some reason, he appreciates me, and likes me for the girl i am i think {lol} He doesn't do relationships and we have never had any more than friendship. But once again i sometimes fear what could happen with us or some days i'm just waiting on him rejecting or abandoning me too.
I have become very strong, independent, my personality is amazing, i smile, laugh all the time i'm a real people person and get on brilliant with most people, i love my live today and i'm learning to love myself. Aome people think i'm over confident, i'm just happy to have found confidence.
Anyone have any wisdom they could share with me.....You know this might sound confusing to you, but i know that you will understand. I know what i'm feeling it might just not look right written down.. I've not done alanon in two years now, i don't need it face to face, i have built that strength on my own and laid old ghosts to rest. I have three friends i met on this site i'm in contact with daily have been for four years. I guess maybe i felt i could find some more or new wisdom on the site tonight and could maybe help me find the courage to face this friendship in a way that maybe i've not thought about yet.
Hello Ally nice to see you again, I don't really have any wisdom to share but what I hope you don't mind me sharing with you is my perception of this.
I don't think it's wrong or bad to want a love in your life, to be the primary love in someone's life and for them to be yours.
I think living with alchoholics gives us a faulty perception of what love really is, what it looks like, what it feels like, I think we have been denied this and so we are trying to find it the only way we know how, but for me I'm not really sure what true deep love is, I think I know better what it isn't, I have a long history of chosing broken people to try and fix, what does that say about me, I think for me instead of wanting someone to fit me or to try and chose people I think will give me what I need, I'm now trying to become a person like the kind of person I want to attract, another aha moment here, I attracted a broken person because thats what I was, hope this makes sence!
I understand what your saying, i've always tried to fix everyone myself, especially alcoholics. The difference with this man is that he didn't fix me but he showed me a new path in my life i was capable of following, i have and still am and it's changed not only my life but my whole perspective of who i am and the person i am inside. I actually done an inventory after i met him and didn't like what i saw. I have worked and still do on a daily basis to become a better person. I'm not looking for a man to fill my life, i'm doing that on my own. As for love, i've found that in my soul-mate and the reason i know it's true is because i have "accepted him as being unperfect" and not chastised him for it. Something i have never in my life done before. I also stood back and let him go, even although it hurts i know i can't make him love me in the way i love him. Although something tells me right now he could be confused or scared to let go of me in a way i once was to let go of him.
I knew you would be OK since you have always been so strong. You doubt yourself a LOT, but that just means you are humble . Through your self doubts, your strength always came through.
I too seem to have the most personal growth when taking a break from MIP. It seems I vent, learn from others, think, maybe vent some more, then need to take a break from venting to process all of the ESH others generously shared with me. It is only after I have collected such marvelous ESH from others that I am able to take a step back, STOP just "talking" (writing) about my problems that I am able to really work on them and experience real personal growth.
Congratulations on your new career! It sounds like a lot of fun, good job taking care of you and following your dreams!!!
I totally relate to loving a man who loves you back, but for whatever reason decides to be somewhat unavailable. Many times they have their own issues and cannot handle a really intense personal connection with someone else, they may prefer a more superficial connection with another person they may not be as compatible with. I have been on both ends of that equation, and when I was the one not comfortable with such strong of a connection, nothing could have persuaded me to think differently. I too wanted to keep that person as a friend, as anything more would have been too much for me emotionally. I could not tolerate a marriage with someone who seemed like they could see right through me they understood me so well, I felt like I needed more emotional privacy. Perhaps that is what your special friend is feeling. I could not bear to give up this man entirely, I just needed more distance that a platonic friendship provided. Eventually I lost him when I married, he did not understand my actions. I still miss him...but could not have done things differently.
I hope that all of your dreams come true one day, and you find a love match who is as emotionally healthy and open as you and can give back the love you are ready to give.
Thank you so much for your lovely words they are appreciated so much. It always amazes me that someone knows exactly how i feel and can describe it better than i can at times {lol}
Mip is like a boomerang to me, i know it's always there but i am trying to stand on my own two feet, make my own decisions, make my own mistakes and learn from them. I'm doing okay, and emotionally, i have improved just a wee tad aswell.
What is it they say, "we didn't get like this overnight, we can't change overnight either"....
. Through your self doubts, your strength always came through.