The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Can others share what you do when you start blaming yourself for another's drinking behavior? What step mainly focuses on this? I find myself at times caught in the cycle of saying "what if I had done xxx differently?" instead of focusing on the alcoholic and their inability to communicate effectively. He is gone from my life and I miss him so much. I don't know why I keep blaming myself but I do and that is what really led me to alanon meetings and this online group. I guess its because I want to control instead of letting HP control is that why I blame myself?
As the mother of an addicted son the "nasty cycle" is something that goes over and over in my mind too many times.
I still see him as he was before the addiction took him over, I see him as my little boy. What did I miss? Did I do something to cause this? Why couldn't I pull him back from the abyss?
I wish I had some good answers for you, but I don't. I also find myself constantly wondering if I was the reason he drank all these years. At least once a day I think about it and wonder if I had done things differently if the outcome would have been different. I think a lot of that is the manipulation on the A's part...they've done such a good job at manipulating us and making us believe we are the reason they drink, that we end up believing it's true. Somehow you have to retrain your brain to believe that their drinking is not a result of you, that they would do it regardless because its a disease and a choice on their part. We did not put the bottle to their mouths!!
One question is: could someone make you an alcoholic if you didn't want to be? I think we give ourselves incredible power if we think we can make anyone be an alcoholic. If we have that much power, why can't we make them stop? (And we can't, that's clear -- if we could, there'd be no alcoholics in the world.) The fact that we can't stop them is proof of the fact that we can't make them alcoholics either.
We're powerless over them both ways. It sure would be nice if we had the power, wouldn't it?
Aloha Jill...basically I got into the program and started learning what the other members were learning and then practicing it, 3Cs and all the other stuff I could take with me and then the blaming stopped. (((((hugs)))))
I found a lot of old self blamings around my pity pot and the program has solutions for that also.
I don't blame myself anymore for the A's behavior. It is what it is and we do what we know how to do at the time and when we learn better (Alanon) we do better.
Can you tell me what is C2C and ODAT? I have the little book with daily sayings which is enormously helpful. Every night since I have been in alanon - I read and write for about 2 hours - it is the only thing that brings me peace.
Jasobel, I am no longer with my AH and I have often thought like you. But you know, I didnt have the foggiest about what alcoholism really was or the behaviours or anything really and it was only after he left I found these forums and over the months I have learned so much. Much of what I did in terms of my own behaviour has caused me angst especially realising it was not the thing to do and of course I would have done things very differently if I had all the information I do now. But we do our best with the knowledge we have and living with an A is very very hard. Mine used threats of abandonment and left me numerous times over our married life, I would have stopped begging him to come home one heck of a long time ago if I knew how much i was enabling him, blaming me etc, but my fear of losing him was colossal, worse than the reality although its been tough. I dont think we should feel bad for not doing, being, acting differently or that in some way we were responsible; my AH constantly told people I was mad, i was the reason he was in the pub. It was all an excuse to drink, Im not sure I could have changed things then, but I have to accept now that I cant change things now. I at least have a better understanding and am trying to be good to myself, sadly, yes I miss mine too. We all deserve to give ourselves a break. Hugs Lilly.
Whenever I started in on myself I would make a conscious effort to acknowledge that he was an alcoholic lllllloooooonnnnnngggggggg before I entered his life. I found that stopped me from the "shoulda, coulda, woulda" blame game.
I too bought into the blame game for a very long time. Only after jumping back in this program did I finally come to realize that while I had a part in some of our drama, I was not the true, root cause.
These days when I find myself jumping into that hamster wheel, I go back and read my journal as well as some my old posts here and the replies that I received. This reminds me why I'm doing what I'm doing and reinforces my powerlessness over my AH and his behavior. It also reveals to me the progress I've made.
Hmm - guess I'd better be more diligent and consistent about writing in it regularly
This is where things like positive affirmations can come in very handy, and are very meaningful.... Most of the Al-Anon slogans are of help..... one of my favourites is: "I did the best I could, with what I knew at the time"...... Another one is: "it is okay to look at your past, just don't stare"
I believe that one of our biggest areas/needs for personal growth, that the whole Al-Anon program helps us with, is the area of self-love...... appreciating ourselves for who we are, and what we have accomplished.... along with that, goes the need to NOT beat ourselves up too much over past things that may or may not have happened to our liking...
Hope that helps Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
