The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My ABF had a slip after 6 monyhs he has licked his has lost his job etc etc. He has bee to three meetings intwo days and is chatting with his sponsor. he rang and asked me to drop off bits and bobs. i am angrey it is like tracy will be there again, tracy will understand. When he was sober he went to chat to ex about kids I aws angrey thought he was making amaends to her before me. its as if I need lots of appreciation for what I have put up with. He got angrey on the phone and I am sorry to say my programme went out of the window I lost it. How dare you get angrey with me. I am sick to the back teeth of understanding. I give 1000 percent but what about me. There just seems to be no appreciation he is just poor me.
Sorry I know he is fighting aterrible disease and I know he is really angrey with him its just so hard to love him when he is like this. When he is creeping I can forgive because I ca see he is sorrry but when he gets angrey with me I just want to run.
I try so hard but I am so tired
Really feel like ending it even though he is ytring to sort it out I just think my love is fading.
thanks
-- Edited by Tracy on Wednesday 11th of November 2009 03:43:45 PM
Hugs to you. There's no requirement that you keep on. Recovery is detaching whether or not you end it; that means you can certainly end it if that's the right path for you. Sometimes giving and getting so little back is just not the right for us. The only thing I would say is that when I've ended relationships in a fury, I hadn't thought things through and I had a lot of self-doubt and confusion later. But when I thought things through and decided that moving on was the right choice, and ended it calmly, my mind was a lot more at peace.
It is no wonder you're feeling so frustrated and angry. I think sometimes relationships with alcoholics are like Ponzi schemes. We keep thinking, "I've invested so much and gotten so little back! I am hurt and angry that I've gotten so little back! So I'm sticking around until I get my investment back!" But after a certain point, it's clear that the investments aren't giving much return. So expecting different is opening yourself up to resentment. I think the answer must be to invest less, to expect less, or to move on.
We always seek their approval and it's part of our disease and what we have to work on. Appreciate yourself!! You are precious and valuable!! No matter what anyone else thinks.
I understand where you are coming from, and is sooo exhausting!!! You are right to be tired. Take care of you, love you first, and things will get easier.
(((Tracy))))
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Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.
Tracy, It is hard when we can't get what we need from our addict/alcoholic loved one. That is one way I really work my program. I get the validation, support, encouragement, love and whatever else I need from my sponsor, program friends, and other very supportive friends. It wasn't what I wanted..I wanted him to be able to give me that, but his disease would not allow it and still doesn't.
I hope you find your way to get your needs met.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Tracy, Love, he is doing what all As are so good at - he is manipulating your feelings for his own ends. It's back to the 3 Cs - you didn't cause it, you cannot control or cure it. If you have read any of my posts you will know I have stayed with my AH - but I have set boundaries - I haven't slept with him for over 18 months ("Not until you give up drinking - so that's pretty safe!!!), I have my own bedroom and that is my personal space - he is not welcome and has given up trying to invade it. I carry on going to work, seeing friends and going away for short breaks (albeit with somewhat disastrous results - he doesn't eat when I'm not here just drinks) Just stay true to yourself - take care of yourself and don't let him manipulate you - you are worth more. I don't pretend any of this is easy - when it all gets on top of me I come and vent on here or in chat room so - good luck and lots of (((hugs)))
-- Edited by Tattyhead on Wednesday 11th of November 2009 05:24:32 PM
Aloha (((((Tracy)))))...anger is normal and so is looking for gratitude from others we have supported...all normal. The killer for me was expecting it from the alcoholic and some others...that was a set up for big resentments which I had more of my share of going back to when I was very young. My alcoholic wife was a perfect foil to blame for all of the crap I felt was dumped on me over decades. Program teaches and helps me place things in their right places and perspectives and to understand I don't like feeling resentments and anger...that ruins my spirit not to mention my entire day...rather take it to a meeting or my sponsor and certainly my HP. Don't beat yourself up with stuff you can let go of.
