How do you learn to trust again? - Al-Anon Family Group

chloe0724 · Newbie

How do you learn to trust again?

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Chloe...stop blaming yourself alone...alcoholics and alcoholism are good
teachers and one of the lessons for the spouse and family is "don't trust".
When the disease got me to second guessing myself it could leave me as
both doing all the figuring out and go off drinking.   "If it walks like a duck,
quacks like a duck and looks like a duck" it's a duck.   He might be alcoholic
he cannot not be alcoholic it is what he knows and does. In order to not
do alcoholic he's gotta hang with those who have gotten and stay sober
why would he not want to do that?   Don't answer out loud I've heard a
million reasons why not...there is only one reason to use the program.   Trust
your nose for now. If you're wrong say your sorry and continue to trust your
nose...it's been well taught.

Keep coming back and get to the face to face rooms of Al-Anon. That is where
the real good stuff comes from.

(((((hugs))))) smile

roygbiv · Senior Member

Trust issues?

"If their lips are moving, they're lying."

Stop trying to catch him drinking. He's an alcoholic. That's what they do.

Keep going to meetings and reading the literature. You need to get your own sanity and serenity back. You have someone who isn't going to meetings and is "doing it on his own" - basically, he's not doing anything. I've been driven crazy the same way in the past and my qualifier finally admitted it only because my aged mother praised him so highly for being sober that he felt guilty. It was such a relief to know that I wasn't the crazy one. He had been drinking in plain view - they really can get it anywhere and are masters at hiding it - we can't compete with that. We don't have a chance if the alcoholic chooses to lie to us and himself. Better to attend meetings and get sane again and then decide what to do about it when the time is right and when our own sanity is regained. Decisions made without a firm foundation in Alanon somehow backfire no matter how logical they seem at the time. Said with love.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

What does it matter if he uses or not? It is nothing we can control anyway. They are sick with an awful disease. THEY are, not us.

Al Anon teaches us to work on our own issues not someones elses.

Drinking is only a symptom of their disease, just not using means nothing. They still have all the symptoms of being an addict. AA helps them in ways you and I will never know.

When we police their behavior, it is their disease pulling us in.

As far as trust, myself I don't trust or distrust. No one has to prove anything to me. It is much easier for me to accept the way things are. Accept others for who they are. If I cannot live with what they do, then we have no relationship.

Myself I don't believe an A can ever be trusted. I would not trust my brother who has diabetes either to have my kids in the car. Becuz his disease can cause his blood sugar to drop and it is dangerous.

I distrust A's, as far as their disease NOT them. It is not personal.

I hope you can get to meetings and read literature on addiction. It will make the whole thing a lot easier on you if you love an A.

Al Anon is a great way to make your life and your A's life better.

love,debilyn

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Chloe,

That is a great question and one many of us in alanon have asked.

When I saidI could not trust the alcoholic that was just the tip of the iceberg. I actually did not trust God, myself or anyone or anything That is why I had to control constantly.

Thank God for alanon and my sponser. I was advised that in order to learn how to trust I needed to :
Put the focus on myself
Work the Steps
Make Gratitude Lists
Live a Day at a Time
Take nobody's inventory but my own
Pray
Get Honest with Myself
Let go of my Tools of Denial and Pretend

When I learned to practice these tools on a consistent Basis I discovered I could trust -HP and Myself.

I no longer REACTED. I could be honest about my feelings, say what I mean without saying it mean, I could evaluate situation swith detachment and honesty. I needed to ask HP for guidance and act on the help.

I did not have to Trust or Distrust the A I could have compassion, understanding and proceed to act with my own integrity trusting myself and Hp
I an truly grateful for this program.

DreamXL · Senior Member

How do you learn to trust again? Thats an interesting question becasue I dont think trust is learned. Trust is earned.

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

I matters a great deal to me, Chloe, whether my A drinks or not. I have not gotten to the place where I can say it is none of my business and what's the difference. I consider it my business because his drinking has such a profound negative effect on me. Those who have been involved in AlAnon a lot longer than I have tell me that adherence to the program will allow you to find the path to serenity whether or not he drinks. I am trying, and I am waiting. But I understand your dilemma perfectly.

That said, what about the trust? I will never regain my trust in my A. I may stay with him or I may not. That little decision has yet to be determined by me; but one thing is sure: The trust is gone, never to return. So many times I forgave and went on, hoping and believing he had "quit" for good, only to have my hopes dashed by yet another alcoholic binge. That is the roller coaster of emotion I go through, and although he denies it, I will no doubt go through again. I do not believe that because I do not trust my A that I do not trust myself or anyone else. Quite the contrary. I simply and forthrightly do not trust THAT HE WILL NOT DRINK AGAIN!!! And as far as I am concerned, whether or not you drop the "l" and say earned instead of learned, the issue is the same.

So...in summation. How do you regain trust? I don't think we ever really do. Not down deep in our hearts from where trust has to come. Perhaps you will be one of those who learn to believe, "What does it matter? I am living my life for myself, and it is not important whether he drinks or not." I hope so, because if you do, you will be unconcerned with the trust issue.

Keep coming back. I do because there are people here who understand and who are not judgmental.

I wish you every good thing,

Diva

-- Edited by Diva on Wednesday 11th of November 2009 08:45:49 AM

-- Edited by Diva on Wednesday 11th of November 2009 08:47:37 AM

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

chloe0724 wrote:

My Husband has said he has stopped drinking for over a month now. He is not attending meetings, just doing it on his own.

I have so many trust issues...

I think he smells like beer so often and I accuse him of drinking, and he says he hasn't. I know in my head that this is counter productive, but I can't stop myself of accusing him.

Is it possible that my subconcious is allowing me to smell alcohol when there's nothing to smell?

chloe:
My husband of 36 years has told me throughout the years that he has quit, too. When he'd appear under the influence, I would ask him. He'd deny. Many times he'd say he was just "tired."

The past year, I stopped asking. Up until 9 days ago when he'd drink, I'd remind him the next morning that "I need a sober husband." He'd lower his head and say he was sorry. I'd say nothing more. Over the past year, I also stopped the search missions for his whiskey stashes. I knew that were out there in the garage somewhere. But I didn't need to find them to prove to myself something I already knew. I stopped doubting myself.

Just 9 days ago, he was driving his mother home from a wedding and ran a light and got arrested. (He ran into a path of another car; no physical injuries - but generated a lot of emotional ones for all his loved ones.) This is his 2nd DUI. It's possible that he will lose his job, health insurance, our home, which is just about paid for, and most of all - self-respect. He has 30 years with the company. He might be unable to touch his pension until he is 65. He is now 58. This is a shame, because while he is an alcoholic, he has been a dedicated worker. I can't begin to imagine what this will do to him.

Four days after the 2nd DUI, I asked him to find another place to stay. I feel as though I'm turning my back on him in his time of need. However, I realize that I can't do it for him. I also realized on a much deeper level how his drinking adversely affects my life. I finally realized that I'm turning my back on me, too. I deserve a better life.

This 2nd DUI is my biggest and latest wake-up call. People often write on this board about trusting the A. I didn't trust him after his 1st DUI, nor do I trust him now. I know he is a good-hearted man with a terrible disease that he doesn't address. Let me tell you, going to AA meetings is not enough! He goes and then drinks.

Trust is essential to living a sane life. I do have trust. So where do I place my trust?

I have learned to trust my instincts, even when I don't like what my instincts are telling me. That is where I place my trust - I feel a higher state of consciousness speaks to my instincts and behooves me to tune in at all times. Call it God, HP, or Peter Pan. It doesn't matter what you call it. It's there. It's real.

Find your truth and live by it. Gail

-- Edited by GailMichelle on Wednesday 11th of November 2009 10:12:02 AM

-- Edited by GailMichelle on Wednesday 11th of November 2009 10:12:46 AM

-- Edited by GailMichelle on Wednesday 11th of November 2009 10:21:31 AM

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.