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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Need strenght
Post Info TOPIC: Need strenght
Priscilla83


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Need strenght
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My husband is having the occasional beer after almost six months clean. He's been an addict since he's 12, he's 32 now.
He went to rehab on April after a 5 day binge, he just got up and decided to go to rehab.
His counselor has told me his chances of recovery are small due to his job, his many years of addiction , well many factors.

We went out on Saturday for groceries and then stopped t have coffee. I went to the bathroom anad when came back he was having a glass of wine. Honestly, I would have prefered he kicked me.

I haven't spoken to him, apart from the absolutely necessary since Saturday just because I'm sooo tired. I mean, I really don't see how I can get pass this. I do not have the strenght t o go back to the horrible hell it was living with him when he used. Through this program we learn how to live with the A and still have a happy fullfilling life. But I've also learned that I CAN NOT live with him. It's just impossible and I don't want to do it.

What I don't know is when to ask him to leave. My boundaries are not clear right know. Do I wait until he uses drugs again, or until he comes home absolutely blasted or ...?

I love him, but if he uses I don't want him in my life and I find myself in that awful place where you just want to shake them and make them understand but know that you can't and is so hard!!

I was going to make the subject "Here we go again" but decided to "Need strenght" because no matter the odds I need to believe there is hope of recovery. And that things won't be the same cause I'm not the same.

 



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Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.

Jozie


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((((((((((((((Priscilla))))))))))))

1st... If he is Drinking, weather a Beer, a Lt. Glass of Wine.. Or What ever... "He's Use'n"... My Not be Drugs, but alcohol IS that drug...

As for what you can do... 'KEEP COMING BACK" first... :o)

I do not live in your situation, so I am not able to advise you.. only you can get to that place.. You are the only one that knows what You can & can not live with.. That choice belongs soully to you...

This program can change your life, unbelievablly... If you work it... I have my moments were I think... Ahhh I'll skip it today, or i'll read that tomorrow... And the longer I am away from it, the more my life becomes Unmanagable... That of course is Me!!

In the Lit, it states that alcohol is a "Baffling & Cunning Disease"... that is Soooo True... Something that seems so logical to me (Just QUIT) isn't so Logical to the alcoholic...THat is their disease.. I can say this because "I" am an alcoholic... I know what its like to be so drunk that you black out, and just loss days... Weeks... I know what its like to Want to just have "1" more, till at least that Bottle is empty... ALL MOST THERE... My Son thank GOD was my Saving Grace... The MINUTE... I found out I was having him, I dropped the bottle... after he was born... I started over... It didn't last long till God Slowly started to help me see, what was goin on...in the form of a DUI...

The Disease itself... Well I can wish, and I can pray... But I can't make ANYONE else, stop drinking, because only they can stop that... I Can however, start putting the focus back on my self.. I Can go to F2F Meetings FOR ME, I Can read my daily's, go to work, and hold my head up... Because their disease is not mine to own... I didn't cause, Can't Cure it, only they can Cancel it...

I tell everyone... My Favorite thing in al-anon is "Detach With Love"... Once i read that EVERYDAY... I really started to "Hear" what it was saying.. At the comfrence I was at recently I heard several people say, they took detachment and taped it on their Mirror and read it everyday, and the more they read it the better it got, and of course since it was hanging on the mirror.. They wasn't the only one reading it :) and things changed... Will that work for everyone... Nahhhh... But it worked for that family...

Anther one said he put the steps he was workin on the mirror and as he worked them he kept adding the next one, and every day he began to start from the top and go down... The one gentle man said his said "Just for Today, I will hand my Will & My Life over to the Power of God/HP"...That worked for him...

MIP & F2F Meetings are the Best thing for times like these.. I find myself at times making Excuses why I can't go, and now I make Excuses Why I can... Because I need them...

I will keep you in my thoughts & prayers... Please take what you like and leave the rest...

Love & Prayers pray.gif

Jozie

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Thee Only Journey I Control Is MY Own :)

Gratitude.... Is a God Honoring Attitude! :D
Priscilla83


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Thanks Jozie.

__________________

Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.

Mattie


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If it feel right to leave, there's no need to get past this.  The only need is to take care of yourself.  I think there's also no one right way to separate if that's the best path forward.  If he feels it's fine to drink, you know as much as you need to.  You don't need to "catch" him to make your decision.  In my experience, separating calmly is much better than separating when people are in a white-hot temper.  If you waiting to catch him drinking again, you might be feeling more emotional at that point.  And telling him you want to separate while he's in the middle of a bender would produce worse behavior from him than if you tell him in a quieter moment.  If you decide to do it, I'd just think through everything you need to, tell him calmly, and have planned out ahead of time what you'll do next.  (For instance, how long you want to allow him to stay in the house, what friends you'll call for support, how you'll nurture yourself during the transition, etc.) 

My ex just hated scenes and confrontations.  He was away on a trip and I told him by e-mail.  That would probably be a mistake for many couples, but I think he was grateful that he wasn't involved in a face-to-face talk and that he had some time to get himself together before returning and moving out.

If you A has any tendencies toward violence, please get the advice of an agency and/or some experts before you take a step like that. 

Like you, I took this step when it became clear that he wasn't going to get any better, or anyway not on my time scale.  I feel for you.  For what it's worth, asking him to leave proved exactly the right choice for me.

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Jerry F


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Aloha Priscilla...The family groups don't teach or suggest divorce we can only
make decisions for ourselves and accept our own consequences.  What worked
for me was a detour away from my reactions and thinking and trying something
different...Go get around alot of people with a whole lot of experience with what
I was dealing with and learn what they knew or were learning.   I stopped
listening and considering the divorce "fits all" suggestion and went to something
entirely different.   I had been there and done that before and if I didn't change
the chances were I'd be there again even if I intended not to.

Get away from that solution for now and maybe six months to a year and get
into the program of the Al-Anon Family Groups full strength...then relook at the
subject.   Sorry you're having difficulties with this nasty disease.  Keep coming
back (((((hugs))))) smile

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Debilyn


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Dearest lady, he is an A. In recovery, relapse, full blown using, he is an A. This is all part of his horrible disease, and this is what makes it almost impossible for most of us to live with them.

Of course it will get back to the way it was, and it will get worse. That is the sad part.

For me, why wait? In his condition now, maybe he will be able to take care of himself for awhile, or he may find out he HAS to.

NOT telling you what to do, NOT at all. It has to come from us. We have to make the decision based on our feelings and knowledge.

One day at a time.

Priss, my A could get out of Prison, be sober, in a strong recovery program. I could see all the good in him. He could have his own SSD income and his vet income. Have his own part of the house, a shop.

Then one day, hitchhike to town, buy a bottle, down it, and be right back where he was. Drunk, falling down stairs, falling off his bike, cutting his hair when he is drunk, breaking faucets, breaking windows, threatening to burn the house down, smelling, not eating, killing himself. ONE DAY, one moment Is all it would take.

I am like you. I have changed. I know the reality. I can say well when it happens, I will have him get into the car, go to another town, ask him to go in to the store for me, and leave him. Go home and that is that.
BUT I know ME. It will hurt horrible.

So no thank you.

Pris, what can he do for you? What can he add to your  marriage?

On the other hand, do you want to work hard using your skills to live with him? Can you look past all the evilness of the disease, mind your own business as the disease kills him?

It is soooo hard. We love them, but we cannot live with them.

Keep coming, we are here to support you. love,debilyn


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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
hotrod


~*Service Worker*~

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Hello Priscilla

You have received some great ESH from the other responses and I would not have answered your post except  that your husbands councilor  advised you that t he did not have a good chance at recovery.   

Please know that this is a poserful and cunning sidease and no one can tell who will or will not recover. 

 My experience with that is :
My Husband's councilor at rehab toold me to leave and get a divorce.  HeHis job, He was a Reporter, enabled him to drink and he would never recover.  I di not leaave, I went back to work, came to alanon and my husband recovered and remainded in AA until he passed way for cancer 7 years larter.

Fast Forward 25 years later My Son's councilor at THE SAME REHAB advised me: My son would be fine  He had the program and was stable and knew what he had to do and was willing to do it.  My son passed away from alcoholism 2 years later. 
Please use alanon tools focus on what is right for you and I will pray for your family

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
Priscilla83


Senior Member

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Posts: 172
Date:
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Thak you all for your responses. I talked to him today and he is in great denial saying he will never drink to the point of getting drunk again.
I told him I respect his decisions, is his recovery program, not mine, BUT he is not to drink in our house or when we go out.
I have set my boundaries, I doubt he'll be able to follow them, but they are set and I have to be ready to ask him to leave if he breaks them.
I'm honestly not ready yet, so we'll see what happens.

__________________

Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.

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