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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Were I'm At... ?????
Post Info TOPIC: Were I'm At... ?????
Jozie


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Were I'm At... ?????
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Hoe Hummm...

I was Speakin with a Friend of my Mothers, and got to thinkin about alot of things...When I sit and look at the big picture of "MY" family...I can't see but "1" Chain in it that wasn't takin over by Alcohol... And the closer I look to my back round the more I find... MORE Alcoholics...

Too My Knowledge today... I am a 4th Generation Alcoholic... That is scary... To look back at my family, and see noting but Pain & sadness over this disease, I am surprized alot of us are still here today...

When I look at My Afather, who was takin very swiftly by this disease last year, and I look at his (2) alcoholic parents, and his (3) alcoholic Grandparents, (1) other alcoholic before them that my Grandma tells me about... I can see why, he became the man he did...

I remember speakin to my Dad 2 days before he passed, pretty much "Begging" him to just STOP Already....It was like lookin into the eyes of a child, as the tears ran down his face, and he just says... "Jozie... I have tried... I CAN'T" (as he shakes the Glass to his lips)... Now he would NEVER in a million years say... "I"m An Alcoholic"... That was "Degrating" but in the walls of his own home, he could cry like a baby...Too Me!!!  Explainin He CAN'T...

I have probably seen my Afather in tears MORE then Most of his Wives/GF's... I was that cushion for him I suppose in some light.(Like the Child can raise the parent)..I remember when I was about to deliver my son, and Child support Finally caught up with him and put him in jail... He called me Cryin like a baby... "Please JOZIE Get me Out of Here... I Can't Stay Here..I don't Belong Here... I would Rather Die then Be here..(& the Kicker for me was when he said) "You KNOW I want to BE THERE when YOUR Baby is Born.. I Can't do that HERE... PLEASE Get me out of Here!!!".... To which I remember quite well... I commented very Calmly... "Is it the Place you are AT... Or the Fact that You can't get Served Black Velvet/Natural Light there? (At that time his choice drinks) ... He slammed the phone down on me... lol... He then called his mom... And she from cross the country... Bailed him out yet again!!!!

So I guess Even being an Alcoholic myself, I was still smart enough "then" to see... It was slowly killing him, and that was over 12 years ago now... I see that same mirror in my Abrother... he would also Call me from jail.. Cryin and whalin about how he "wasn't the "Kinda" person that deserved Jail, and he would die there, how could "WE" (Me,My mom & sister) Allow them to keep him"... I know that all these times.. .BOTH He & My Dad was hittin the DT"s Head on was their biggest problem they faced.. It wasn't Jail... It was just Without Alcohol.. Having to be sober enough to look at themselves in that Mirror...

I take the time to pray for my Abrother Everyday of my life, and I also still pray that my Afather is at peace... It is truly a blessing that I found "Al-anon/ACOA" for I didn't know ALL MY LIFE that such a program even existed... And for that I will be Forever Grateful for my SIL for Draggin me.. "Kickin and Screamin inside... All The WAY"...

Its funny because I heard such great Speakers at that convention, and I still "WISH" there was a way, I could Sneak in to my Abrothers home while he was sleepin and Slip some ear phones on his head, and allow him to "HEAR" what I heard, what I connected to... I know that I can't... But it doesn't stop me from Wishin I could.. :)

I forsee this disease takin MORE from me in my lifetime, and I now except that what is ment to be WILL BE... I can't say I swallow it AT ALL very easily, but I am prayin that thru workin my program, I can at least... Put My Son, in a better place when it comes to the disease of alcohol...I know the boys hold the gene much Quicker then the girls, yet knowing it is with in me, tells me it is within him as well...I know I can't control the future, but in the present I can still give him a knowledge about the disease, that was NEVER explained to me ... It was the "Family Secret" or at least that is what everyone Thought it was ... Sadly enough the only ones that seen it as a secret, was the ones denying they had  a problem... I'm glad I see mine now... :) It is a VERY scary pictures...

The ESH & Love I Recieve HERE & At F2F meetings, Helps me come closer to WHO I Really am, and tho I would love Nothing More to only have "Good" in my life, I know that with out Owning My Bad, My Good will never grow...This is a Scary road for me... But God Willing... I will get were I am Meant to be... If only at a pace of... One Moment at A Time...

Thanks for listening & lettin me share....

Love & Prayers pray.gif

Jozie

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Thee Only Journey I Control Is MY Own :)

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Gailey


~*Service Worker*~

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WOW...(((Jozie)))

What a share! Thanks for making me feel less alone. I hope to educate my grandchildren on this disease also.

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Gail
Debilyn


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jozie I am very glad you take care of you, one day at a time. You are a joy to MIP. You share such deep emotions.

My father was not an A, yet he was an enigma. I forgave  him a long time ago for being so invisible in my life. He was never mean to me, I knew he loved me. But he was never involved in my life.

All I know is I got the best of him. I looked for it.

Not sure what I am even saying. YOu just made me think.

hugs girl,debilyn

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layneee


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WOW...... thank you so much for sharing...... i needed to read that

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