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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> WHEN TO STAY AND WHEN TO LEAVE????
Post Info TOPIC: WHEN TO STAY AND WHEN TO LEAVE????
layneee


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WHEN TO STAY AND WHEN TO LEAVE????
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I WANT SO BADLY JUST TO PACK UP MY THINGS AND LEAVE!!!!! I KNOW ITS EASIER SAID THAN DONE AND RIGHT NOW IM JUST ANGRY. IM ANGRY AT MYSELF FOR LETTING THIS GO SO LONG AND HOPING IT WOULD ALL BE OK....
MY ABF WENT TO REHAB THE BEGINNING OF THE MONTH , WAS SOBER FOR 6 OR 7 DAYS AFTER RETURNING HOME... WENT BACK TO DETOX AND THEN OUTPATIENT..... WELL, THE EXPECTED HAPPENED AND HE STARTED DRINKING AGAIN. HE SAID HE HIDES IT FROM ME SO HE WOULDNT BE A DISSAPPOINTMENT IN MY EYES...WHAT IM HEARING IS BLAH BLAH BLAH ... I UNDERSTAND ITS A DISEASE AND YOU HAVE TO WANT IT (TO GET SOBER)...BUT MY QUESTIONS ARE WHEN DO "YOU" REALLY KNOW WHEN ITS TIMES TO PACK UP AND LEAVE ???? DO YOU START TO DETACH OR JUST GO??? IM SO CONFUSED AND ANGRY ...ITS THE SAME OLD STORY...YOUR HEAD TELLS YOU TO RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN AND YOUR HEART TELLS YOU TO STAY. THE FUNNY THING IS, IM A PRETTY SMART PERSON AND HAVE COMMON SENSE , BUT I JUST DONT WANT TO LOOSE WHAT I KNOW WE CAN HAVE. I ASK THE SAME QUESTIONS TO HIM .."WHY DO YOU LIE TO ME AND "HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING TODAY" ITS ACTUALLY THE ANSWER THAT IM LOOKING FOR IS TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE IM NOT GOING CRAZY AND TO LET HIM KNOW I KNEW IT ALL ALONG.... WHY DO WE FALL INTO THAT DAY AFTER DAY? ..... .THESE ARE SOME THINGS AND FEELINGS THAT I AM GOING THROUGH RIGHT NOW . I DO LOVE MY ABF BUT I ALSO LOVE MYSELF MORE.... IS IT ALWAYS THIS HARD???? WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 2 1/2 YEARS AND HAVE A HOUSE TOGETHER. PART OF ME IS THE ENABLER WHO WANTS TO MAKE SURE THAT HE GOES TO MEETINGS AND GROUP THERAPY, AND I ALSO KNOW THAT I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER WHAT HE DOES OR WHEN HE DRINKS.  THE SAD PART IS, IS THAT EVEN WHEN HE ISNT DRINKING, I STILL ASSUME THAT HE IS AND IM PROBABLY NOT GOOD FOR HIS RECOVERY IN THAT ASPECT , BUT HE HAS RELAPSED TWICE ALREADY IN A MONTHS TIME. HE TELLS ME THAT IS NORMAL IN THE EARLY STAGES OF RECOVERY AND THATS BASICALLY THAT. I WANT SOOOO BAD TO GET MY THINGS,LEAVE, AND PRETEND THIS RELATIONSHIP NEVER HAPPENED. BUT, I DO LOVE AND PART OF ME WOULD FEEL GUILTY. AND TO BE REALLY HONEST HERE, I WANT TO BE WITH HIM IF HE IS SOBER. IS THAT NORMAL??? ANY THOUGHTS AND INSIGHT WOULD BE GREAT !!!!

THANK YOU ALL FOR LETTING ME SHARE MY THOUGHTS WITH YOU !!!disbelief

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Mandy123


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 707
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Layneee,
There are currently two threads going right now started by Rocky. One the question was why you stay and the second thread was why did you leave. Right now they are still on page one not much further down than this thread you started. Just if you want some esh right now.

I chose to leave because I knew it was right. I talked about it with trusted alanon friends, my sponsor, my other friends who knew what was going on and I prayed so much.

I didn't want my kids to live with it anymore and I didn't want to live with it anymore. I just couldn't do it anymore. I asked him if he would please stop using and he told me no. I love him dearly but enough was enough.

Only  you and your HP will know what is right for you.

Keep coming back.

Yours in recovery,
Mandy

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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall

God is seldom early, but he is never late.
Hawk120025


Veteran Member

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Posts: 64
Date:
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Layneee,

My heart goes out to you in your situation.  I've been there.  A few months ago I broke up with my abf - I detached & left all in one swoop! 

How did I decide to leave?  I can tell you it had nothing to do with whether or not I loved him as I still do.  However, my decision had everything to do with how much I valued myself and my quality of life.  I didn't want to be on the receiving end of the blame, lies, manipulation, lack of trust, etc.  Why would you want that for yourself?  Don't you believe you deserve a better, healthier life than where you are now?

Again, it has nothing to do with whether or not you love him or to see him get better.  It has everything to do with loving yourself more.

Best,
Hollie

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Tracy


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 987
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Hi
I can relate to your confusion and pain so much.  My ABF has been sober for 6 months he has been going to AA and has amazed me with his strength.  Then his nephew died aged 5 months 2 weeks ago again he amazed me he supported his sister arranged the funeral and was the backbone of the family.  I went away at the weekend and his grief hit him was does an alcoholic do when feeling down he went on a bender.  He stole money lied all the old stuff.  I too am torn I know he is fighting for his life I love him but I love me and my kids too.  He is in his mums and has lost his job today because he is depressed and got up late.  These are his consequences I dont save anymore I know he has to feel this pain to want to get better again.  He is going to a meeeting later and meeting his sponsor after that, this is his fight not mine.  I am trying so hard not to take it personal i know he loves me.  So now i have to work my programme.  I need to love and take care of me, i am not deciding today wether to leave for good.  I will take one day at a time and love and care for me I will read my books come on here, go to meeings and ring my sponsor.


hope this helps
hugs

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Loupiness


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 831
Date:
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Layneee,

Oh, yes, your thoughts and behaviors are soooo normal. You said it exactly right when you said, "I just don't want to lose what I know we can have." The truth is that you don't have it, and can't have it unless he wants it too. I clung on for so long to what I wanted, and what I thought should and could be. Then, one day I realized, it was all about an illusion, and not what really was. If my ex AH was someone he wasn't, and if our relationship could transform the way I wanted it to, well, then it would all be okay". Nope. Here is the thing, I was the only one wanting it and it wasn't that way. Period.

Feeling crazy, feeling guilty, wanting to control, being angry, denial, doubting EVERYTHING... that is all a part of our disease. I encourage you to start going to Al-Anon face to face meetings. Listen, read literature, get a sponsor, work the steps and most importantly, keep going back. You will discover that you are oh so normal and definately not alone.

Blessings,
Lou

-- Edited by Loupiness on Tuesday 10th of November 2009 08:52:55 AM

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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace.
~ Ronald Reagan~

Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't
~Marguerite Bro~
abbyal


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3854
Date:
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Hello and welcome , I was told that it is virtually impossible to DETACH and CONTROL at the same time .  was also told to pick one biggrin

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I came- I came to-I came to be
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3653
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He will always be an A. He will always be in A situations. For me, I have had a "normal" life for years now. NO I do not miss him anymore. I never thought I would get over him. Never thought I could love someone else and not be looking back at him.

All the pain, all the confusion, all the rebuilding was so worth not being with him anymore. Life is soooo much better with out that disease. I know for me, that love I thought I felt changed. Once life became healthy again, the realization of living healthy was so worth all the pain it took to dig up out of that pit.
The love changed to empathy and caring. Not being tore up from the disease anymore.

As far as wanting to be with him when he is sober, that went away too. Becuz I know what one moment would bring, and relapse is always going to happen again.

Even if he got sober with someone else, he would still be immature, and behind so many milestones.
This is my esh.If I had gotten over him a lot younger, I would probably be remarried. Have enough energy to meet people. As it is I am living retirement with out a mate.

anyway the pain I would have felt if we were still together is not worth the serenity I have today. love,debilyn

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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
whitie


Senior Member

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Posts: 241
Date:
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Layneee,

Only you know what is right for you. You may not know it now. In Al-anon we are told not to force things. I have great difficulty w/that. I want to fix it right now! But the day will come when it is very clear to you as to what you need to do. As I have learn to pray for guidance I have found my answers. And as this pattern continues I have come to learn how important the lessons along the way are.

After a 22 yr. marriage and the daily incertainty of what each day would hold, when I thought I couldn't do it another minute it dawn on me that my life is worth more than that. I don't have to live that way. From that point on I took comfort in knowing that I really could leave if it became unbearable. So I save money, saved furniture, collected friends to help me move out and made it happen. The realization that I was stronger that I ever imagined was so powerful.

BUT, it could have gone the other way. I might have realized what I needed to make living w/my AH an OK thing. Search your soul, attend meeting and do the readings. You'll find YOUR answer.

Life is good w/Al-anon!

Whitie

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