The material presented
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I have not taken a phone call from my AS for a week now, and I'm now having a very hard time not picking the phone up when he calls me.
He is now getting angry when he leaves a voice mail, I can hear it in his voice, I am worried as to how he might react to my not letting him have money, or giving him gas, etc.
I am beginning to think the "what ifs". What if he is without food? What if he does something illegal to get money? What if he gets violent and trashes the house I let him live in? On and on it goes.
And I got to talk to the son of one of our local members this afternoon as he prepared to go take care of the business of his passed on father. The son did what he had to do as his mom got into and started working her Al-Anon program. He spoke of the journey including that part where his mother's actions and language changed into Al-Anon recovery and though it took him several relapses to finally arrive at where he is today he credits his mom's determination not to rescue him as a major turning point for him. God he sounded like a miracle even before he was leaving to close his father's story who never reached the sobriety the son did and ended his own journey; a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I've always received hope from watching the miracles of both Al-Anon and AA. The miracles always come after the pain or thru it.
I have learned that Fear is the absence of Love and Love the absence of Fear. That has been one of my lessons...you can take it and use it if you like. If you don't set it aside for later. I pray your son finds another recovering alcoholic to show him how's it done and you find the patience and love to follow thru.
Hi Dreams....sounds as if your son is running scared as he sees that things with you have changed.
I understand only too well, especially your own fear.....and this is when you need support.
I was ruled by fear and grief when I hit my bottom in January of this year and I just want to share a little bit of where my journey through Alanon has brought me since then.
Recently, in one of my Asons rare lucid moments, after a horrific binge session.....vomiting, blackouts, seizures, police, hospital etc etc..... I sat with him and explained why I would no longer play a part in the chaos that is his life, that it was his to own and manage and the consequences were his alone, not mine..... I would not be taking them on board any longer..... I was choosing to live my life a different way. I explained that our home was open to him in pursuit of recovery but not while actively drinking and if he chose to drink he would have to leave. I said we loved him, that he was a good person with a bad disease, a disease that could kill him. His reply was yeah but Im the alkie who thinks hes invincible...I can control this. As his disease has progressed my son has stolen alcohol from shops, money from my purse, begs on the street, searches the bins (garbage) behind supermarkets...(they throw out decent food just on its sell by date)......I dont like what he does but he will do it whether I like it or not. He used to comment on the hardened alkies, that walked the same walk before him, saying drink would never get him like that.....he was in control......sadder than sad.
SO, I said what I meant, meant what I said and didnt say it mean. I couldnt have done this 6 months ago, I was too proactive and too reactive to his drinking and I didnt know how to get past it, I was too full of fear. He has been in and out of AA, .....he knows I'm in Alanon so knows where I'm coming from.....he accepted and I believe respected, my boundaries
Finding this family group and my f2f meetings has taught me a lot and the biggest difference in me today is that fear no longer rules my life.
My son continues to drink. Hes now living in assisted housing 100 miles from home. I have a family plan on our mobiles (cell phone) which means he has free calls to his fathers, sisters or my phone. I told him I would not phone him while he was drinking and not to phone me if he was drunk because I would hang up as not an ounce of sense would have been forthcoming.....but that we would love to talk to him any time he was coherent.
There was a good eight weeks of silence......I took myself regularly to my f2f meetings, talked out my anxieties, read here daily and my books.... and I was (am) okay with it.....got on with my life.
It was his 33rd birthday last week, I sent him a card. He called the other night to say thanks, not sober, but not incoherent drunk.....he asked after the family.....thats a first in about 3 years.....then he started to go on about the disasters that follow in his wake..... so I stopped him and said I was sorry these things were happening to him, and reminded him there is another way to live his life.....he agreed, told me he loved me and rang off.
Thats where I am today......Im a grateful member of Alanon and this family group, I couldnt do it alone. Sorry this turned out to be so long......please take what you like and leave the rest.
Keep coming back and sharing your ES&H ((((((hugs)))))to you and yours......Ness xx
Dreamsover, This is the time that you really need to hang on to meetings for your life. It's hard to make the right decisions or to make none. Just read as much literature as you can, tapes, cd's, come here, go to face to face meetings and meetings here, slogans, etc ESH. Do it all and hang on. I think AS means alcoholic son, and where our kids are concerned it's really hitting in the heart. Not an easy thing. Detachment with love. Not abandonment with smugness and bitterness or any other variation. Detachment with Love. (((Sending healing and love)))
