The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was reading today's reading (Nov. 9) in Courage to Change and it talked about manipulation. This reading had to do with the type of manipulation that we learn from living with alcoholics and the day to day life that kind of life changes us into. It states that, "Alcoholism can create such a threatening environment that manipulation seems necessary." I am struggling with that statement today. I chose to file an Ex-parte Order of Protection against my ex-husband. After reading today's reading I wondered (briefly) if what I had done was a form of manipulation to get him to leave me alone, because I didn't feel like he was really capapble of hurting anyone.
I had valid reasons, however, to file the Ex-parte. He had 'let' himself into our house when we were gone, without my permission and 'left his Bible' with me to give to his pastor, because he was giving up on God and giving up on church, they had done us no good, he said. In the distant past he had threatened me with the knowledge he possessed of how to poison someone. He also mentally abused my daughter by taking her on a walk in the woods and having her pick a switch off a tree and then 'threatening' her to straighten up and 'act right' or he would hit her as hard as he hit the tree beside him (and thus he demonstrated to her).
This is the manipulation (and abuse) of the alcoholic on us. He tried to use God to manipulate too, later, with the statement that if we got back together that he wanted his Bible back, implying that if we got back together that he wouldn't give up on God. But if I chose to go through with the Ex-parte that he did not want his Bible back, thus impying that he was giving up on God. To me this was the last straw, he was using God to manipulate me back into a relationship with him. This was totally unacceptable.
Today was the day of the court hearing. He appeared. I didn't expect him to. He showed up with briefcase in hand. (I have no idea what was in that briefcase.) He also brought a friend along. I was alone. He had his stradegy down pat, but it didn't phase the judge. (Thank God) He still had to 'observe' the statutes of the Ex-parte and stay away from my residence and have no contact with me for a year. I am grateful for that. During that time I hope he moves on.
I chose the topic of manipulation because of the expert way he has used it in our marriage to get his way, and even after the marriage was over to 'persuade' me to do certain things for him (none of which of course did I HAVE to do, I chose to do them), but manipulation none the less. He used manipulative ploys such as "checking him for ticks" (sounds like a country and western song! lol) after a certain swap meet camp out he had been on; talked me into coming over to 'adjust his antenna' on his tv after the new digital programming went into effect this summer; swore up and down that he 'just wanted me to come over to give me cheese and crackers' (something that my mom had been wanting for snacks) so that I wouldn't have to go to the store to buy them. All these manipulative ploys worked they're magic on me and I usually sucuumbed to their power. I don't understand the power the alcoholic has over me, but it is a power. But I have to chose to turn my life and my will over to a power greater than myself, whom I chose to call God. This is what gave me my sanity back and the ability to file the Ex-parte.
I am no longer (after writing this down) under the perverted reasoning that what I did to protect myself was manipulation. It was self-preservation. What he did to me was manipulation. I have suffered long and hard at his hand and it was time to bring it to a screeching halt. I am greatful to this group for allowing me to share my thoughts on this day and it's effects on me. I look forward to reading your responses.
Overcome
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
Okay I took the suggestion of copying and pasting it, reading and then deleting.
Very great post! I have really been noticing the manipulation from my A lately. Before I always fell for it and now I am not (well most of the time im not!).
Sounds like you are doing very well!!
-- Edited by Melissa21 on Monday 9th of November 2009 08:28:03 PM
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
I can very much see that the ex A's strategy was always Deny Attack Reverse Victim Order. It is very difficult to get beyond it. Now when someone pulls it on me its like "bingo". None of that gets past me.
Overcome, Yes your formatting went a little wonky. I just copied so I could read it then deleted it. I am glad at the end of your post you changed your thinking. It wasn't manipulating him to protect yourself and your child. You need to take care of you and I am so glad you did.
He may never have followed through with any of what he said to you, but now you have the law on your side.
Thank you for you ESH.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Manipulation isn't always a dirty word or bad behavior regardless of all the eye brows that are raised when it is heard. It is a survival skill at times and also a necessary skill to get round pegs into round holes and square ones into square holes. Second guessing can cause me to doubt myself and along with other defects of character lead me to change my impression of self value. Motivation most often will help me to manipulate in a proper and productive or helpful way. Sometimes the motivation for justice is the best reason for some of my best motivation. In the past I have even smiled when I was caught or discovered in manipulation. It is not an immoral behavior when guided by "fair, honest and just". Doing it right can often feel cool. LOL
Thank you so much for your share. I have re read it throughout today, and thought on it. It hit a nerve with me, I identified with the manipulation tactics, not from my ex A but from me. I have believed for a long time that everything I do is purely out of kindness and totally unselfish. I want to help, provide, rescue, fix all out of the goodness of my heart LOL. The codependant in me working on a very subtle level. Since working my program I have learnt to observe my motives and to let go of all expectations where my ex A is involved. I have made great strides in the right direction. However I know see that some of my behaviour around him is still questionable, it might be kind to provide healthy meals, support and encouragement BUT what needs are being met his or mine?? Mine I think because it makes me feel good being wanted/needed but its not healthy or balanced. Its keeping me and him stuck. I've grown a little more today because of your share. Thanks ((((Overcome)))) the beauty of our program in action.
