The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Has anyone else felt battered by well-meaning advice from others that the only way to survive an alcoholic partner is to up and leave? And do you feel, like me, you have loved this person for so long that now things have turned upside down (to put it politely) you cannot just walk out on what is a very sick partner? (in my case a husband of nearly 38 years) I am constantly justifying myself and one friend actually stated that I "should cease whinging and do not deserve help because I do not have the guts" (to do what she thinks I should)
Well on another message board in another country and in another time zone, someone posted something which at last made sense to me: They said:
"there is no need for you to feel you have to justify your choice in staying with your husband. I can hope, for your sake, that "change" can mean doing what you feel to be your duty in thanks for 30 years of a happy marriage and in memory of the man your husband used to be, while at the same time detaching your emotions from the situation and protecting your offspring and yourself, both practically and emotionally.... .... but it is as if you were in a job which you like but where the environment has changed so much that it is making you unhappy; you can choose to leave or you can choose to concentrate on the good and take a step back regarding the bad"
This is exactly what I have chosen to do. I cannot, for all sorts of reasons, leave - but I HAVE detached. I did love my husband once but he has systematically destroyed that love over the last 5 years or so. I won't say it doesn't hurt - because it hurts loads - but I care for him as much as he will let me. At the same time, I have my own life. I work, go out with friends, have been away for a break (admittedly with somewhat disastrous results) and refuse to be beaten. I have my own room (have not slept with him for at least 18 months) which is "my own space". If I do get down and feel defeated I come on here and in the chat/meeting room, vent and feel better. This is an awesome place. Thank you for "listening", understanding and keeping me sane.
Here we try not to give advise, yet with everyone having an opinion in this world sometimes it seems harder to keep my mouth shut as well when I see a Friend in Need, or Sadness...
Here I get support to make my OWN choices, which is something I didn't know that I had before al-anon... I have learned Not to "Ask" someone else what they think about MY Life because they only know the dreadful parts I decide to share, so their opinion is only goin to see one side...
I have learned that the only person that can decide what I NEED is ME... I have found... In moments like you are having, goin to a Face to Face Meeting is a good boost of support for me, even if I get nothing more then a Hug from one of the members and hear them say "KEEP COMING BACK"... They show me I am Worth something, and My feelings are Just... They are Mine, and its OK... And know matter what i am goin thru in my life... I try and Remember..."This Too Will Pass", maybe not when I want it to, but in time ....
Coming to this board is a wonderful blessing as well, but as you know... Cyber Hugs ((((((())))))) are nice, but real hugs are real....
When I started al-anon, I grab hold of "Detach With Love" with BoTH hands... I detached from enabling my Afamily, I detached from feelin responsible for "THier" disease, I detach from getting involved in their affairs, court dates, cop stories, DUI's, and all the other drama in their lives... HOWEVER... I still LOVE them dearly, and in their presents, I say nice things, possitive things, and then I let them to their own dimise... as I am to mine...
This program has taught ME how to live a better life...How to "Take Care of ME!!!" Something it has takin a while to realize i was worth it... As Are YOU... Do what Your HP tells you to do, listen to your feelings, do what is right for you, your the one that has to live with your choices.... I just suggest... You Move you to the top of your Own List of things to Take care of and see were ya end up :)
Take what you like and leave the rest... Friends in Recovery
I didn't leave for a long long time. No one here pressured me into anything. I chose to stay for a long long time. I detached a great deal. I could not have left without detachment.
I do know that when I first sought help everyone always said "leave leave leave.". Without a plan be that was impossible for me.
I left when I was ready. I no more advocate leaving than I do staying. Al anon is here for you whatever you decide with no judgment.
Good share Tatty...that is similar to my experiences with detachment in the past and the present. Learning how to love unconditionally made the detachment very unusual from how I use to think and feel about it however I stepped back and got myself out of her choices and consequences and was loving her more with less pain and sense of grief. We didn't have the marriage history that you had or have and I found it wasn't necessary. I should have learned how to love her before I got involved with her. Love her and leave her alone. Grateful to Al-Anon and the entire membership for the lessons. (((((hugs)))))
Thank You so very much for your share. I feel your growth and courage and believe in your decision. You are right Please keep coming back here because you are an inspiration
I think a lot of people somehow make that connection, between "detaching" and "leaving", yet I would agree, the two are not tied together whatsoever... To "detach" really means to turn our focus back onto ourselves, and away from the A.... allow the A to reap the consequences of his/her behaviors, etc.....
In the immortal words of Toby Rice Drews: "nobody has the right to tell you to leave your A... not even your counselor"
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I guess, for me, whenI truely detatched with love from my A, the natural consequence was leaving. I had love for myself, more than I ever had before and I neeed to do what felt right for me. The love I had for him was changed. But I loved him enough to know that my staying for him was doing him no good what so ever.
It took many tries. And every time I left before the last time was out of fear or anger. The last time I left was totally out of love.
It is a personal choice and I love that this program and these people never ever told me what I had to do or should do (even when I asked them point blank :). It was all on me to decide what was best for me and my children. Just like the A, I HATE being told what to do.
The fact that I was supported in all of my decisions was priceless. I do love this program.
