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I have been driving myself crazy for almost a week now wondering if my husband has been sneaking drinks since coming home from his 30-day in-patient treatment facility. Well today I got my answer and I didn't even have to snoop.
It's his birthday and we used to have a tradition of having Birthday Mimosas. When he woke up this morning, he asked if I wanted mimosas and I said "no thank you." Then I said, "I didn't buy any champagne." Well we happen to have an old bottle in the fridge that was given to us as a gift - it's pecan-flavored so I had no interest in trying it at the time and it's been sitting in the fridge every since. So he went to get it and brought an extra glass for me. Again, I said "no thank you." So there he was, drinking mimosas right in front of me.
I didn't say anything and didn't have a bad attitude, but I wasn't happy about it. I feel like it's a total slap in the face - to me, our son, our friends, and our family. The board of pharmacy has him on a strict program of monitoring for the next 5 years and he could lose his job (and his pharmacy license) if he screws up. I hate that I have no control over this.
I feel like I should say something to him, but I have no idea what to say. I know I can't tell him to stop drinking, but do I have the right to say that I don't like it? I'm not at the point yet where I can honestly say "I'm outta here," so it's not like I can threaten to leave if he doesn't stop drinking.
He just left the house and didn't say where he was going - I'm thinking he's going to buy beer (since he's watching football today), or he's going to a bar to watch the game so he can watch it in peace (those pesky 4-year old sons can be so annoying when you're trying to watch football).
I'm just so frustrated I don't know what to do. I guess it's times like these when I wish I had a sponsor.
You're growing...the sponsor is a best choice and yes with limits voicing your feelings is appropriate. Give yourself some boundaries...language, time and volume and of course love and empathy and go for it. After I learned that I also learned how to turn away so that I didn't invite a discussion...errr an argument. In support Mom. (((((hugs)))))
Hon he is only doing what alcoholics do , drink ! He will get caught eventually drug testing is no joke . this disease tells him that he can fool anyone and unfortunatley it fools no one but him . You have a right to tell him your dissapointed that he drank again . and then let it go , lectures don't work , threats don't work , ultimatums don't work . The only thing that works is when he says enough . A friend of mine sharred with me when his wife said to him I am sorry u keep doing this to yourself . and walked away from him . He said he knew he was in deep doodoo when she said that , she left the problem with him and made it clear she was not going down with him . She normally said How can u do this to us ??? When talking to her about this she said she had no idea where those words came from , but knew it was the right thing to say at the time. she also sharred with me that she then went into the bath room and cried for half an hr . but she didnt let him see her upset . He never had another drink after that day . Leave the problem with him , go to your meetings find a sponsor and don't let this disease win . Louise
What Abbey said that her friend did was pretty much what I did. My AH and I were separated, and he did not get sober right away, but it sure did put the ball in his hands. I gave it all back to him when I told him that I could not make it beter, solve the problem, etc for him. I told him," I cannot save you from this" I knew that he was fighting for his life, not just his job or his family, but his life. He was going to die. He was that bad.
So, I stepped out of the way and his HP showed him. Thats all. I had nothing to do with it. I am thankful that my HP directed me in taking care of myself and my sons and leaving his problem to him to solve.
He was a full grown man who was very capable of solving his own problems even though even he did not think so at the time. I gave him the respect of expecting him to act like an adult, and by the grace of HP, he eventually did.
I am so sorry that you both have to go through this. Getting a sponsor is a great idea. You need the support that one can offer you. Please don't hesitate to find one ASAP.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
