The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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I left when I realized that it wasn't going to get any better. I had kept thinking that my A husband would quit drinking and go into recovery and get better and we could go from there. He had two DUI's, he went through court-ordered rehab, he had a breathalyzer attached to his car for a year, and he was in and out of both AA and Rational Recovery. That said, the day-to-day part wasn't as hard for me as it was for some, because he was so secretive about his drinking that I almost never saw him drunk. As I learned more and put more together, I realized that a lot of the time he was a little "off," and that was because he'd been drinking. But he was never mean, never threw up, or any of those things. But still something was wrong. He was "absent" in the marriage in all kinds of ways -- partly because he was sneaking away to drink a lot -- and a couple of bad experiences (left him to take care of the baby once and came home to find he'd been drinking all day and hadn't taken care of the baby) made me realize that I couldn't stand it. And he had one short period that made me realize how bad things could get. When I realized that he had no real interest in quitting, and didn't care that I thought he should quit (he accused me of having "puritanical attitudes about alcohol and people who just want to have fun"), I asked him calmly to move out. He did. He had a dry period for a while but is back to drinking again. His life has denegerated in predictable ways. We're amicable and he sees our son regularly, though I don't let our son go in a car with him. It's been seven years since we split up. Looking back, I wish I had done it sooner. Everyone's situation is different, of course.
Why? I guess it's hard to just have one reason why. But for the most part things weren't going to get any better. I quit enabling, I quit worrying, I started detaching so he found someone else to do these things for him. And then things on both our parts got more "crazy". I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I needed to change and work on my recovery. I didn't deserve to be treated the way he treated me. And I couldn't find a healthy sane way to work on my recover still there in all the drama and chaos.
Now 6 months later you want to know the outcome?
I am doing just fine with my 2 children. Never thought before I coudl make it without him. Thought it would be impossible. But it's not I just let go let god on sooo many things that were much needed to be done long ago and did my footwork. I got a job, I got my own apartment. I am back in school and passing my classes! I have serenity (that word I had NO clue what it meant when I first came here). I don't obsess over him or try to fix him as much as I did when I lived with him. Progress not perfection- I do slip sometimes but I don't expect to be perfect.
I guess when I left I had an expectation that the lies, blaming me, manipulation, him playing the victim would end. Well I've learned my lesson-- they almost seem much worse now that I left him. BUT the difference is just as of recently I can see them before I fall for them. And if I take the time to THINK about it I react in a more healthy way for myself. We have a child together so we still have to communicate weekly.
It is extremely hard at times. I do love him still and somedays I Just wish he would stop drinking, go to inpatient treatment and attend AA weekly so we can get back together. But I am NOT expecting that to happen. It may never happen and I am learning to accept that. But I am okay with it. I know my HP has a plan for me with or without him in my life and I know that I will be okay and I am okay right now.
Live and Let Live- I see this as I had to step aside (work on me) and let him fall to his bottom on his own. I gave him up to his Hp and that is all I can do now.
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
When I knew that this is what it would be- Living a life married, but separate and having to take care of me and do things by myself because a lot of times he was drunk or hungover I realized that I may as well BE single as I was LIVING single
I loved him and will always love him, but I want an equal relationship where we are both evenly yoked and I can mostly expect him to be there for me as I was for him.
I got tired of being #2 to his Jack and 7up and/or Coors- It just came to my not wanting to come in 2nd to his first priority- I pray for him and want only the best for him, but I will stay by myself if there is noone healthy out there for me- It is sad to think that I may grow old alone, so I seek other recovery people and otherwise healthy people to do things with and when I come home, I can have a sip of my wine without worrying about a person getting "sloshed" and undesireable because they cannot stop at a drink or two and do it occasionally
The unpredictability of it all- The lack of structure and the roller coaster ride up and down just wore me out- After 16 years together in all, I just threw in the towel and gave up.
There is life after my A- Yes, at first it was awful- The loss and having to accept that loss- Now I see it as a necessary thing I had to do in order to have a semblance of peace in my life- Life is hard enough without purchasing more pain- Trouble will find me enough on its own- Why "purchase" more? That is what I was doing, staying with a non recovering alcoholic who did not want to work a program and change his life.
Just my ESH- The bottom line is you have a choice to do what is best for you
Good luck in whatever you may do
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
My marriage did not survive, but that had to do more with other marital issues than with aism. That said, I want to give you some hope.
I know a couple who the man in the relationship has been sober 20 years. Their advise to us when my AH got out of rehab was that initially it is hell, but it would get better. They said they couldn't say how long it would take, but it would. The woman in the relationship said that it was awful, and she stayed and waited it out because she could, and she just focused on herself during that time, knowing she could leave if it didn't get better. They have a nice retired partnership today.
My own experience is this. My exAH has been chemically sober for 2 yrs. Initially, he did not do well. He looked terrible, and said he could hardly take care of himself. It definately is a process, and I have detached, but given some of the communications we have, I can only assume that he still has some growth to do, as do I. I have heard over and over that early sobriety is worse than the drinking years. I read something about it taking a year before one can actually think sober, two before they realize they can live happily sober, and five to be able to respond emotionally and appropriately in relationships.
My marriage dissolution has been long and painful, but I feel good knowing in my heart that I can look my kids in the eyes and tell them I did everything to keep our family together. It has been 2.5 years since my life took a nose dive (well, since I was aware of it and acknowledged it) and I am still not divorced. Today, I can say today that I am pleased that I did not rush decisions, and I have been blessed because of it. I hope to sign by the end of the year, and when I finally do, I think it won't be with the grief, anger and hesitancy I've been anticipating, but relief and peace. Thank you Al-Anon!
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I stayed because I wasn't ready to leave and then I left because I saw the impact staying was having on my kids. I stayed for the kids, I stayed because I wanted them to have a family intact. Then, I left for the kids, because I knew I had to put them first. I had to break the cycle and do it differently. I had a nightmare that they grew up and married A's and their children were A's and it just kept going and going, geneation after generation.
I left because my soul was being sucked out of me. I left because I had nothing left to give my A. I left for him. Many, many nights I had to tell my saintly self that my leaving was best for him. Now he would have to stand on his own two feet, he would have to find sobriety on his own, without me to enable him to be sober. He would finally have to grow up. It was all for him ( I know, call the Pope....tell him we have a selfless saint on the east coast)
I left because I was no longer angry. I was resigned, I was sad, but I wasn't leaving to manipulate him, like I had in the past.
I was scared to death. I had 3 kids and no idea how I was going to do it, but I jumped and had faith that I would either fly or land on solid ground. It was after 3 years of intense alanon.
I left because I realized that although I took my vows seriously, he hadn't and a one person marriage was not doing either of us any good.
I am more content, happier, and my kids are awesome. Leaving was the best thing I could have done for me and for them. I was a classic enabler. I never ever enabled him to drink or drug. I enabled him to be sober. And even when enabling a "good" behavior...well, it's still enabling and that is not good for anyone.
Rocky, I left my "A" several times. Well actually I asked him to leave. During those times I did it because I was angry and didn't want to live with him anymore. I couldn't take the focus on of him...I kept trying to control him.
A little over a month ago I asked him to leave. And I know it will be for the last time. I did things differntly and for different reasons.
This time I did it because I knew it was best for me. I was preparing myself to leave without even realizing it. I started attending more meetings. I knew taking the focus off of him was going to help me and then it would help my marriage. I started communicating with my sponsor more. I opened up with my parents. I started seeing a counselor. I also went back to my religious family. I fell like I created this circle of support all around me.
I worked out in my head the "why" behind asking him to leave. I hated what my kids were living with. I hated what I was living with. I hated watching the man I married kill himself a little more everyday. I was tired of having an absent partner in my marriage. And for me the biggie was realizing that while I still love my hub, I was no longer in love with him.
I clung to my wedding vows...the whole to death do us part and in sickness and in health. Well the HP of my understanding did not ecpect me to stay in a marriage when my spouse abandoned me and our children. That is just what my husband did. He was here but not "here".
I also realized that being the only source of income into the house and taking care of him, he was never going to hit his bottom. I am terrified that his bottom will be death and it breaks my heart to think of him out there alone using, but I know that asking him to leave and telling him that I truly want a divorce was one of the hardest things I will ever have to do, it may be the most loving thing I can ever do. See I know my "A" and he is one of the ones that has to loose everything.
You are the only one who knows what you need to do.
YOurs in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
I am sure we have all debated over and over, time and time again, do we stay or do we go?
My A didn't know that my water had broke and the I was in the hospital giving birth to our son because he was on a bender and had turned his cellphone off.
At first I stayed because I wanted to help my A recover and be a father to our son. The recovery/relapse rollercoaster lasted for several years and every relapse helped forge me ahead in my financial emancipation. I began with having separation papers prepared & signed but not filed with the courts (legal in our state).
When I had finally extricated myself financially and knew that I no longer needed him, my A took our son on a two-day bender and the police in two states were looking for my two-year-old. My A had turned his phone off and had a blackout - leaving my son unsupervised God only knows where. When the police returned my son, thankfully safe, that was when I knew that it was time.
However, after another round of rehab, I gave him the opportunity to be in our son's life. This time it took nearly 11 months before the rollercoaster went down the relapse freefall and my A didn't show up the day he usually watched our son and eventually called two days later with the his relapse story. The next day, I filed our separation papers so I could try to move ahead.
The process that began with my detachment last year, became necessary when I saw that nothing had changed. That was nearly 5 months ago and he hasn't seen or spoken to our son since.
I will remain the same until the pain of remaining the same becomes greater than the pain of change.
Maybe my supporting and enabling only fueled the rollercoaster, maybe not, but I do know that since I couldn't change him, I had to change me.
Take care of you,
-- Edited by akristab on Sunday 8th of November 2009 05:41:28 PM
THANK YOU all for so willingly sharing your ESH about why you stayed or left. Hearing the thoughts and outcomes have been very helpful to me. I am at peace with staying, but detaching with love and pursuing my own recovery with arms and eyes wide open for my HP to guide me. I sometimes second guess myself, wondering if I'm in some kind of super duper denial, but I don't think I am. Once again thanks to all for your incredible shares, inspirational whether you stayed or left.
Hmm, it's good to know that there are people out there who have left their A partners. I am wondering about the breakup... how you coped? Particularly, what were your thoughts and feelings? How did you get through?
I have a really hard time being alone, and I need strength and courage right now... I am not currently alone, but my partner and I may not last much longer. Things are not looking great. She is about ready to relapse.
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"Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication" -Gail Devers.
