Defeated - Al-Anon Family Group

Tattyhead · Senior Member

Defeated

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm so sorry to hear this. It sounds very, very hard.

I just wanted to mention, and I hope this is not unkind, that if he's looking for a way to make sure you don't leave him, he's found it.

Best to you!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Tattyhead

I am so very sorry that your husband is in such serious medical condition.  The answer to your question "is worth it to go away and relax and de-stress is"

YES YES YES.

You are powerless over your husband He is extremely ill. You knew that and had your daughter go around and encourage him to eat and drink tea.

His disease prevents him from making healthy choices.

I have been where you are with my 38 year old son.  Once I accepted the basic facts,that he could get worse and that I needed to take care of me regardless of what he did I could go away for a few days and accept that I might return to a sicker person. I had my niece a nurse check in 2xs a day with the same results you encountered.

My mental health and your mental health must come first. If i lost it then everything went down the drain.

I understand your concern for your son. Purchasing him some alateen books might be a good idea. The alanon booklet "What is Drunk Mommy" might help.

I know how painful this is and I will pray for you and your family

maire rua · ~*Service Worker*~

Sending prayers and good wishes your way

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I certainly obsessed about the ex and felt totally responsible for him for years. None of it none of it stopped him going off the deep end. Becoming powerless is tremendously difficult but so so essential.

Maresie.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Tatty...you're at the point where I finally surrendered and ask my HP to "help me".
You have even mentioned the perception I had of not rescuing my own alcoholic;
"Like abandoning my child into the middle of a busy intersection, leaving the
cradle to be run over and the baby destroyed".   I never even wept over my own
father's death like I wept over turning my alcoholic over to the unknown and the
will of HP.   I was wrong in my perceptions with the exception being that if she
continued to stay with me she would die for sure. Ididn't know how to save or
rescue or keep safe an alcoholic no matter what it looked like or how we were
connnected. Trusting God completely became what I needed to learn about and
do and the first lesson was turning my alcoholic over. She got sober in a way I
could never imagine (taught me a lesson in humility) 3 years after I let her go
entirely.

"Please help me" is an entire prayer and doesn't even require an Amen. Say it
and then get out of the way.    (((((hugs))))) smile

Rocky38 · Senior Member

Hi Tatty,

I just wanted to say how glad I am that you keep coming back. In many ways you story reminds me of my own. I was brought to my knees with this disease. It is definitely more powerful than me. Whether I go or stay I know the only way I can survive either choice is to get myself into recovery.

I remember from earlier posts that maybe you cannot get to meetings, please read alanon literature, and attend online meetings here. YOU and your son are worth it.

Hugs,

Rocky

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Tatty , I can certainly relate to your dilema . An alcoholic hell bent on killing himself is pretty hard to watch on a daily basis . i too have been there.
If I had not gotten a bit of alife for myself I truly would have cracked , I had sons too I made a decission to go on with m y life even tho it was clear that my husb was not going to change anytime soon , did i worry about him while away , Yes of course I did but i had a choice stay home and watch it unfold or grab a few days with my kids and pray for husb saftey.
i remember how it felt , opening that damn door scared to death of what I was going to find , this is a powerful disease Tatty but i made a promise to myself that it was not going to take me down with it . My husb drank himself to near death before he decided that he would try sober , he drank to die for 2 yrs and finally said it was just too painful and was taking too long to die .
Miracles do happen Tatty my husb is sober 20 yrs now , God simply wasnt finished with him . I will think of u often . Louise

-- Edited by abbyal on Friday 6th of November 2009 10:11:57 PM

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

The best thing I ever did for my AH was to let him go and admitt that I was not qualified to help him get sober or save his life. He got sober on his own after having the scare of his lifge. If I had been there, I would have done the same as you and taken care of him. I doubt that he would have gotten sober then. Do you want him to live in sobriety, or just survive in agony? Are you keeping him alive to be kind to him or just to keep yourself from having to deal with the guilt you would feel if he doesn't make it? Is it all really about him, or you?

These are tough questions and are asked to make you think and consider your own role in this. I ask them with love and compassion for what you, your son, and your A are going through, as I have been there.

(((((((((((((((Tattyhead))))))))))))))))) You are not in this alone.

In recovery,

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I would say for sure it is important to get away. We don't leave the human we leave the disease for awhile.

I see it as us not allowing the disease to control us. We cannot do anything anyway as far as them eating or drinking. It is their disease not ours.

Sure do relate to your staying, this person is sick, not working hard to make your lives miserable, has nothing to do with you.

I was blessed to spend a good part of my life with kids like your son. Sometimes I believe they understand better than we do. They just see it how it is, and look at you how you are.

When I lost my mother, no one, no one was kinder to me than my 18-21 year old challenged kids. They know what you need, simple hugs, and compassion. They need it right back too.

It is good to see you keep coming back and letting it out.

I hope you take little bits of time away too. sending love to you all,debilyn

Ness · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi TH......Im sorry you are going through this. This disease is hellish.....no doubt about it. I regularly went through the same thing with my Ason (33), he too is very sick....is forever in and out of hospital.....seizures are a very scary thing to watch. I know theres NOTHING I can do to stop him drinking, god knows I spent years trying. I have now placed him in the hands of a higher power than me and I focus hard on MY recovery.

FEAR was my ruler but I am finding as I work the Alanon programme, read and share I have found a level of acceptance and understanding which has lessened my fear. I am powerless over his disease but my life is no longer unmanageable.

My son is living away from home at the moment in assisted housing, he brought so much chaos into the house husb and I were on the verge of collapse and in a permanent state of distress. Distance from him has helped us.....and I think him. We work on loving detachment and have boundaries in place. My son knows he is loved by his family but that the chaos that is his life is his and his alone to own and handle whatever way he can.

We used to regularly take time out to escape and it was always worse when we got back.....I took it personally as a form of punishment for taking the attention off him and onto me, yep who was the sick one?!!

Dont give up on your own recovery time you need it and deserve it.

I agree with Hotrod that some alateen literature may be something your son would find beneficial.

Thanks for sharing, this disease is too painful for anyone to handle alone.....keep coming back

Warmest ((((((support hugs))))) to you and yours.

Ness

Tattyhead · Senior Member

Thank you so much, everyone for your support and prayers - you are the reason I keep coming back - you always make me feel better and not so alone. I will certainly look at the Alateen literature for my son and contine to keep AH's problems in perspective - and they are HIS problems - of his own making, not mine. It's just so difficult watching someone you have loved for over 30 years systematically destroying themselves.
(((((hugs)))) to you all.
Tish x

-- Edited by Tattyhead on Saturday 7th of November 2009 03:51:31 PM

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