Trouble setting boundaries - Al-Anon Family Group

Sangyaa · Veteran Member

Trouble setting boundaries

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Sangyaa,

We have boundaries to protect ourselves. That is exactly what you did, and it worked for you. I use the example that we can have a boundary that is a fence easy for our A to step over if we allow it. Or we can have a boundary that is a brick wall that that no one can tear down or go over. The choice is ours.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with what you did. You did what you thought was the best thing for you to do at the time. In hindsight you realize you made a mistake by only putting up a fence, not a wall. You can consider putting up a wall from this point on, to protect yourself and you serenity. With me some boundaries are flexable, some can be taken down, and some are brick walls that can't be moved. Everyone has to decide what type of boundary they need to protect their particular situation and serenity.

Good luck in your recovery.

HUGS,
RLC

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Sangyaa

Before I came to alanon and began to understand the disease of alcoholism, I too had trouble with keeping boundries. I believe that I had the problem because I was setting the boundry in an effort to control the alcoholic and not as an effort to protect myself and my sanity.

I really needed to attend many meetings before I could set and keep sane boundries. Alanon said make no major changes in your life for the first 6 months while attending meetings.

I set boundries on my behavior Like :

Zip the Lip ( I refused to engage in arguments)

Live One Day at a Time (I refused to project doom and gloom into the future or rehash the terrible past)

Take Nobodys Inventory but your Own (I could not browbeat anyone just had to look at my own behavior)

Focus on yourself (Pay attention to what I was thinking and feeling and call alanon folks when I was sngry, lonely or tired)

Those boundries I worked at well and failed often but it was a start. Once I was more in tune with what I needed and wanted I could then proceed to different boundries.

Just keep coming back and remember we are powerless of people places and things.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

That's a good insight about realizing that you're teaching him that he can override your boundaries. It took me years to learn that one, and I have to remind myself frequently.

One thing that helped me was when I realized this: When I started to leave and felt as though I was "abandoning" him, the anxiety was not really about him. It was about what would happen to me. I was scared to go on without him. I thought it meant I had failed at my relationship, that no one else would ever care for me, that I would be alone forever, that I would fall apart without him, that I wasn't strong enough to handle life on my own. I think they're similar to the fears an addict has giving up the addictive substance. In my case the addictive substance was the man, and I had all kinds of excuses about why I couldn't give him up. In the end it was the thought of living like that for years and years that finally spurred me to leave. It didn't make him go into recovery. That's another reason it was good for me to leave -- who would want to be with someone who would put their partner lower on their priorities than their drug?

Best to you!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Addiction Is a disease. When we choose to have relationships with people who have a disease, we cannot control "their" issue.

If I see a diabetic, I will know that he may have low blood sugar from time to time and act out. It is part of the disease.

An addict who uses, that is just part of the disease. Btw, drinking is using, our bodies don't differentiate between heroin, coke, alcohol, they all alter the homeostasis of the body.

Do you plan to leave everytime he uses?Because it will always be a part of his life. As he gets older the disease gets worse. Stealing, lieing, manipulating, selfishness are all part of the disease.

Al Anon teaches us to learn to be around the A or not and be serene. When we read literature and research we come to a better understanding of the disease. It is nothing personal, they do not do it on purpose.

For boundaries to work,they have to be attainable like a goal. It does no good to set up good intentions.

My esh is if I cannot accept someone as is, then I will not be around them. It is not fair to them. I want to be accepted as I am.

It is not pleasant to be around someone we love that is insane. Most find it impossible to live with an A. It is a very lonely disease.

I hope you find some comfort here. Going to meetings is great, reading, sharing with others and getting skills to deal with being around an A are essenctial for us.

love,debilyn

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

When I was a therapist I use to work with my families at setting unstated
consequences. When the alcoholic addict screwed up they were to say that
if that happens again "there will be consequences" and then not telling them
ahead of time what the consequences would be because...the alcoholic and
addict will always decide if the stated consequence is bad enough and will
always know them better than themselves and manipulate outcomes. Don't
announce consequences just hand it to them when they cross the boundary.

Alcoholics and addicts don't have as good a time when they don't know what
is going to happen next in their support system. The insurance part is that
you always follow thru...We teach them that we won't and they bank on it.

(((((hugs))))) smile

-- Edited by Jerry F on Saturday 7th of November 2009 12:35:12 AM

Mandy123 · ~*Service Worker*~

Sangyaa,
Boundaries whew what a much needed thing and not always so easy for me to grasp.
I did something similar to your situation. In the end I got tired of it.

I can relate to the feeling like your deserting him. He is a grown man he is making his choices. Allowing him to face the consequences of his actions may be just what he needs.

Keep coming back

Yours in recovery,
Mandy

Hoot Nanny · ~*Service Worker*~

SANGYAA:
I TOO HAVE TROUBLE SETTING BOUNDARIES! FORTUNATELY MY HUSBAND IS SOBER BUT IN THE PAST, WHEN HE WASN'T, I HAD TO LET GO OF HIS LIFE & LET HIM LIVE IT! I GUESS THAT IS WHAT WE CALL "DETACHMENT"
HE HAS BEEN SOBER FOR OVER 3 YEARS & I AM SO GRATEFUL BUT ALL WE HAVE IS TODAY & HIS SOBRIETY HAS TO BE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO HIM & OF COURSE HIS MEETINGS.
ME, I ALSO HAVE TROUBLE SETTING BOUNDARIES WITH MY MOM: SHE IS ALSO AN ALCOHOLIC WHICH SHE REFERS TO AS A WINO. ANYWAY, SHE IS TOUGHER TO DEAL WITH THAN MY HUSBAND. SHE HAS A HARD TIME BEING TOLD NO. TODAY I AM ABLE TO SAY NO & MEAN IT!
HOPEFULLY THIS HELPS YOU. IF NOT, I CAN SEE HOW THIS HELPS ME. THANKS FOR YOUR SHARE.

KATHLEEN

Sangyaa · Veteran Member

Thank you so much for sharing your stories and experiences.

Even though I'm new and don't fully 'get' Al-Anon yet, hearing how other people have dealt with similar situations to mine helps me tremendously.

I'm still struggling with how to protect myself from being used by my A, but it's great to hear from other people who have been here.

Ellie

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.