The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have a very difficult time right now with "detaching with love". I had to file an Order of Protection against my ex-A husband on Oct. 28. He was served Nov. 1. My court date is Nov. 9. Between those 5 days he called incessantly trying to get me to "reconsider counseling" and crying verbally about our divorce, calling my daughter once, because he couldn't get through on our house phone or my cell phone (I had either shut them off at night..not to be bothered...or used caller ID to not answer). This was a very hard type of detaching with love from my A, a form of "tough love" due to the fact that he had entered our house on Oct. 28, while we were not here and without my permission. He knew the pass code to our garage door and used that to gain entry. I have since changed the passcode.
I wanted to talk about detachment because I recently had to file an Order of Protection against my A ex-husband and I was thinking about "detachment" in the realms of this situation. My ex let himself into the house with the passcode to the garage door (stupid me for thinking that he wouldn't use it, I have since changed it) and let himself into my mother's house, where I live, while we were both gone.
Detaching with love, to me, in this situation means taking care of myself enough to follow through on the Order. Gently, but firmly explaining to him (before Order was served) that what he had done was unlawful and in order to protect myself and my family I was going to file the Order. I did this without malice or yelling, or screaming about what he had done. I said what I meant, meant what I said and didn't say it mean. I stated it as fact. I also stated only "facts" in the Order. I stated that he had threatened that he knew how to poison someone without their knowing it (this happened sometime ago, but I needed two incidents to be able to file). He has also physically restrained me from going to Al-Anon meetings while we were married. I reported this as well, because, surprise of all suprises...it is against the law to physically hold someone and refuse to let them go anywhere. It is a violation of their rights.
How do you "detach with love" in this situation? I guess by doing just as I have stated. This is a hard one for me today and I don't know why I particularly picked it as a topic to discuss. But it seemed to be on my mind.
Thanks for listening. Overcome
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
Aloha Overcome.... For me detaching with love are two separate things. Detaching is a behavior I use to keep myself from getting caught up in another persons responsibilities and the consequences of their choices/actions and love or being loving is a desirable character. I always want to be judged as being loving and don't always want to be caught with my nose or fingers in another persons business no matter how we are connected.
wow, now Im sitting here pondering what Jerry said, I find that very interesting and I think it may have been true for me as well. I simply loved me first & as a priority in my life ~ as u know this was new & very difficult behavior for me to implement, never having done it before but I hung tight like a bull dog - even though it felt ridiculous at the time to be kind & gentle - to me ~ I genuinely felt like it was a matter of life and death for me to learn to love me first and prioritze myself in my life. I got detachment when I followed through on boundaries and Im suspecting over time as u continue to put you first, this will happen for you as well.
I was tired of being emotionally enmeshed, as Id been all of my life with others. I wanted to stand on my own two feet emotionally and not be affected by them anymore. I was desperate to learn this and held tight to MYOB, and focusing on me - they were mantras for me for about two years, until it became easier to sustain.
I had to choose to love me over other people. In the past Id loved others at the expense of me, so I flip flopped this ~ realizing if I didnt put me first, no one else certainly ever was going to, that was clear.
I remember setting boudaries and removing people from my life that were toxic for me to be around. It defiently sounds like this is the case for you with ur exAH. And it is very hard to do this but over time, with practise like all the rest of our program, it gets easier.
If u start to worry about him or fixate on him mentally, re-focus back to you, pray for him and release him to HP. I remmeber having topray for guidance to even do this, as I was so used to worrying and taking up god's job for others. Putting someone toxic out of you rmind/life is not cruel, it is self preservation.
Know that when u work to get disentangled from an A, that is when they try to get your attention, emotionsalism up the most, they act desperately as is plain to see. If u go to him, comfrot him, he will assume what he did was fine and act worse next time. Hold tight to your boundaires and know you are worth it.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Overcome, At this point I am really don't have any esh to offer you, but I can really see how you are working your program.
I needed to hear what you posted. I was filing out my petition for divorce last night and was trying to fill out the parenting plan and of course there is a section that asks about if a parent has drug/alcohol issues. I knew how I needed to fill it out to protect my kiddos, but I know in doing so I will get major reaction from my hub.
I need to do what you did. Just state facts on both the parenting plan and to him....both not easy but needs to be done.
Thank you for sharing your esh.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
