The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new here but not new to alcoholism. Just new to dating one.
I have my own set of problems that I continue dating someone who has lied and betrayed me so many times within 10 months of dating. I never wanted to date someone who is drinking heavily but ended up with someone who said he was in AA.
Without going into details, he came over last night to be romantic since my kids were at their dads. It would have beeen sweet except it was so triggering. He has only been sober for 6 weeks and was binge drunk most of the time from April until september. Never was honest with me; always told me he wasn't drinking until I bought a breathalyzer. Once that was in my hand, he quickly changed his tune and admitted to drinking.
Last night he came over and smelled like alcohol. I totally detached from him emotionally and physically even though he did not stumble or act drunk. I asked if he had anything he wanted to tell me. He said no. I finally said, "I smell alcohol, have you been drinking?". We all know that question was stupid. He got a bit mad; NO he said, etc. He said he had cough syrup and ate a big mac, etc. My gut was just churning and I felt so confused. I gave him the breathalyzer and it read .02 the first time he blew into it. I did mine and of cousre, it said .00. When I have two drinks in an hour, it says, .00. It took me 3/4 a bottle of wine in an hour to get it to read .08; the legal driving limit in IL>
So, anyone have experience with breathalyzers? Can cough syrup cause that reading if it was taken 3 hours earlier? This guy problably has a severely diseased liver; that is what i think. OR< he lied again.
I strongly encourage you to check out an Al-Anon meeting. In those meetings, you will hear that you didn't cause the drinking, you can't control the drinking (or the A) and you can't cure the drinking (or the A). You will hear about putting the focus on you and not on what the A is doing, because you can't make him do or not do anything.
So, the breathalyzer. What's the point? If he was drinking, what does that mean for YOU? If he wasn't drinking, what does that mean for YOU?
While married to the A, I spent countless hours focused on him--what was he doing? who was he with? when was he coming home? was he coming home? I nearly drove myself insane!! Al-Anon has helped me to put the focus back on me and to figure out what I can live with and what I cannot live with. I have the right to set boundaries for the behaviors that I will tolerate. I learned early on not to make ultimatums. They usually don't work and every time I failed to follow-through, my A lost what little respect he had left for me and figured that he could continue to do as he pleased.
I am glad that you found us and please know that you are in the right place. I hope you keep coming back.
Yours in recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Hello Pam , well as for your breathalizer , what advantage does that give you , I am suprised that he would blow into the damn thing for starters . You already know that he had been drinking so why bother with the breathalzer?? to prove your right ??? I have no idea what they cost but am sure u could have found something for yourself with that money - he will do what he has to do Period . u cannot stop him . I suggest u find al anon quick if u continue in this relationship , you need support from people who have been where your at . good luck Louise
When I first joined alanon I was always believing what my A told me and when I thought he was lying he would give some huge story detailed to make me beleive him and it worked. Until later I found out he was lying..
Anyway my point is when I came everyone asked me "how do you know when an alcoholic is lying?"
When their lips are moving.
And I agree with abbyal whatever money you spent on the breathalizer could have been put to much better use. What's your motive in that? prove he is lying to you? Well we can't make them change, stop or fix them. I tried for awhile to change my A make him quit drinking and I just ended up digging myself into a hole. I had to learn to climb out of.
I hope you can find some Alanon meetings and continue coming back.
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
Keep in mind that alcoholics drink cough syrup to get themselves drunk too. My alcoholic husband once swore off alcohol very earnestly. The next time I saw him he was acting a bit off again. "I didn't have a drop to drink!" he said. "I just had some cough syrup because it makes me feel good." Even he didn't know that the reason it was making him feel good was because it has alcohol in it. Later a friend of mine who's in AA said he knew several people who used cough syrup to get drunk because they think it "doesn't count." But drunk is drunk.
My husband was the one who suggested the breathalyzer in our marriage. This was before I understood that nothing I do is going to stop him from drinking, and also that catching him in lies would do nothing. I thought I'd say, "See! You are drinking!" and he'd say, "You caught me! Okay, I admit it. I shouldn't have done it and I'll stop." As I found out more I realized that lies are part of the whole syndrome. Anyway, he offered to get a breathalyzer so he could prove that he wasn't drinking. I don't know how he thought he'd get away with it, because it turned out that not only had he been drinking every time I suspected it (and he denied it), but he'd been drinking even when I never suspected it at all. I think he just wanted the breathalyzer to get me off his back. But I thought, "Do I really want the kind of marriage where I have to use a breathalyzer to make sure he's not drunk?" It would make me into the warden, not the spouse. And then what if it showed he was drunk? What then? I'd be back where I started -- knowing he was drunk. Which I knew anyway.
In my marriage, what I finally learned was: every time I suspected he was drunk, he was drunk. Because he would do everything in the world to hide it, and if he couldn't hide it any more and I noticed, that meant he was really drunk. Basically, unless he's working his recovery program with all his heart, he's gonna be drunk.
The question is, once you know that, what's the next step? I think it's taking care of you. You can't change him, but you can change you, and that changes everything.
Breathalyzer? To what purpose? He is either drinking or he is not. Did you get some satisfaction from the .02 figure? You'd have been wiser to have spent the breathalyzer money on something for yourself.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Aloha Pam...This post is soooo familiar and humorous for me. I got into program and started getting help before breathalyzers from Walgrens I believe. I knew when my alcoholic spouse was or had been drinking. The questions I had that maybe she was or wasn't were really to safeguard the hope we would survive it until I had to give up. Into the picture walks my Al-Anon sponsor with this qualification...If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...its a duck. That is how I finally arrived at accepting my wife was an alcoholic period.
Funny that at most of the open room meeting spaces where I attend to that part of my own recovery there are lakes and ponds around with many ducks that vacation in Hawaii and they will often walk past the meeting or sometime thru the meeting with a "quack" here and a "quack" there which makes me at times want to bust out laughing as I think, "There goes my alcoholic". LOL
I know for me dating an A in program or not was out of the question, as I too get triggered and act insanely when someone is lying to me directly in the face - but that is my problem and A's do what A's do they lie and drink.
I agree baby sitting his program, asking him about his disease - all of that is territory that is not your business and if u want to not enable him, you wont do this. When u ask him about his disease - he is immediately fighting with you and is removed from his disease. Best way for him to deal with it on his own ~ is to leave it alone, work a program of your own and focus on YOU the only one u can control or change.
Welcome to MIP.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I pray to GOD that if I ever find myself in this insanity again I will have the strength to just walk away! God grant me serenity!!! I remember buying test strips for my husband and STILL being talked out of a positive opiate result... LOL Must have been something in the glass... LOL Those aren't my needles, I have no idea how they got there... In the midst of it - it seemed normal, looking back I can't help but laugh at my complete denial of the situation and my desperate need to prove myself right, give myself good cause, etc. I will take an example from my last BF which still breaks my heart. Walk away, don't look back, no apologies... it's MY life.
impam, I can't answer your question about the breathalyzer, because I just don't know.
I can speak from my own experience and tell you that I just learned to trust my gut. I lived with my A hub I knew his behaviors and I didn't need to prove anything. If he was drinking or drugging proving it wasn't going to help me.....taking the focus off of him was (and did) help me.
I hope you listen to the above replies and get to some alanon meetings.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Hi Pam... welcome to MIP.... in my humble opinion - yep, he's lying again.... now, when we separate our emotions from the facts, the "fact" is that you have "caught an alcoholic drinking", much like we tend to do when we find hidden bottles in their houses, etc., etc... Not that it doesn't upset us, but the simple fact is that he is doing what alcoholics do - drink, and lie to try and cover up that he is drinking.....
Now, all that being said above, I agree with the sentiment of most of your replies here.... his actions and his drinking are of a lesser concern right now, as opposed to you choosing recovery for yourself.... get yourself educated, try Al-Anon, etc., It will ultimately bring you the answers you are looking for, and your answers will be unique to you...
Thanks for posting, and please keep coming back
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
