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Hi all, I was talking with my mom last night and I was sharing my struggle with talking to the kids about what is going on, wanting to talk to them about their feelings and not pushing too much. Then I said to her that I am grateful that it is required that I attend a parenting class for the divorce because I can get tools from people who are in a situation maybe similar to mine.
Well I was reflecting on that conversation in the shower this morning (I swear I do my best thinking there ) and it hit me that I already have a place to come to where there are many many people who have walked more on a path similar to mine AND speak my language (recovery) right here.
My kiddos are 10, 7, and 6.
Anyone who has any esh on talking to kids about the disease and divorce I would really appreciate it.
Yours in recovery,
Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Thank you for posting this - I don't have much to offer right now but will be watching for others' ESH as I need to have those discussions with my 9 yo.
The parenting class is great - very helpful and enlightening.
So far, I have not had the disease discussion with my child, only the divorce issue. At this point the best I can do is reassure him that none of this drama is his fault, that both me and his dad both love him very much and that we'll do the best we can to make sure he has a good, healthy relationship between our two homes.
best of luck to you - you're in my thoughts and prayers,
Aloha Mandy...Been there and just loved doing that cause at one time I was one of those kids and there was no one on the horizon to sit and learn and understand what was going on, what words do you use for this stuff, how do they act...how am I supposed to act, where is my power in it, around it and over it, can I kill some one, the cat, myself because I'm soooo angry and afraid..."Some one give me something I can understand!!!" I didn't find a lot of kids my age who I could sit and talk with so that I could understand and not be soooo afraid and my parents were a part of if not the problem and my brothers and sister were also victims and the cats and dog and rabbits didn't know and the God of my understanding was only real to those who were trying to tell me what God was and soooo I was a hopeless case.
When I got to working with kids one of the things that was gold for us was my memory of how it went on and what I felt about it and what I thought about it. I found that the thinking, feeling and perceptions didn't change alot even though I got older...much older. The kids lots of times thought I was joking about my age when I worked with them because they were relating 100%. Some even thought I could read minds (LOL...was that an invitation). Any how the question what did I think and feel and believe when I went thru trauma like this. How about this one, "Do I have permission and grace to talk about it when I need to talk about it and is it okay to cry or get angry about it when I am afraid? Biggie here also...It's okay for my Mom to tell me she is confused about what is going on and ask me for my feedback on it. (reaching out...following rather than leading...without a map. or honoring and respecting a childs viewpoint.)
You are going thru it with your time and experience and they don't have the time and the experience...this is a mindfield when you think about it and doesn't have to be if you don't let it.
Humility...Allowing the "other" partner, parent input of their own when it is supportive. This is case management at its best. Case management also suggest that the children not be used or coerced to support personal needs. That isn't fair, honest or just and those were my valued watch words for dealing with the "'kids" 10 - 19...fair, honest and just at all times.
The information about the disease you can get from the pamphlets from the meetings and from Alateen literature or the program...goldmine here better than you going to the head of the class because kids know what is going on and can figure it out best with the help of another kid from the same situation much like the fellowship of Al-Anon and AA. Divorce is another matter one of the questions that comes up with a child is why is one of my parents leaving another of my parents whom I love no matter what and who am I supposed to love better than the other (side choosing).
It has taken me years to learn how to participate with younger people about stuff like this. Learning truths about their situation and my situation at the same time was necessary. I have the time and experience that they do not have was a big realization. They are younger examples of who I am...I need to give them my experiences when I was their age and my experiences today. If I have none or don't know if I have any...I am to say "I don't know" and we can find out.
This is a major growing experience for you Mandy...I am in support. (((((hugs)))))
I want to thank you for posting as well! My kids are 2 and 6 and I left almost 6 months ago. I don't really remember what I said to my 6 year old about leaving but as far as with the A I told her he was really sick and just answered questions she had. She has been around many A's in our family so she sees many drinking so I told her because of his drinking he is really sick. I might have said something along the lines of leaving that me and A weren't getting along so well so need to live separate. She didn't ask many questions and seemed to accept what I said. A isn't her dad, but even though he doesn't call him dad I still think she looks to him as her dad.
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
I have been asking the very same question about what to tell my 4-year-old. When my AH started no showing for visits without calling and then stopped returning calls altogether, I asked every parent I knew what to say to my son when he asked for "Daddy". Everyone, including the pediatrician, told me that children are far more resilient than we give them credit for and that honesty is always the best approach. Of course, tell them what they need to know and not anything more, was the advice I received.
You want to protect your children as much from the divorce and the disease as you can and I have faith that your HP will help you find the right words at the right time to reassure them as well as tell them what they need to know about a very difficult situation.
No words of wisdom here. Just sending you extra love and prayers. You'll find the words and wisdom. Just keep taking those showers. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
For me, It was Not Lieing to my Son was the biggy, It wasn't his daddy, but his "All around Family" His Bio Dad Was Killed in a Car Wreck when my Son was 8 months old, so he never knew him... I always talked to him about him, told him he was my friend, and how much I had cared for him, and how he helped me bring him into this world, and that he got his good looks from him :) I spoke to his doctor about such things as well...
He told me to sit down with him, explain at a level he can understand, Tell them only what needs to be said, allow them questions about it, and ALWAYS End with "If you ever want to know something, No you can ALWAYS Come to Mommy/Daddy, and I/we will help you find the answers to your questions!"
For me that has been words to live by, My Son now 12, knows that his Bio Daddy is in heaven, he knows that his Dad has raised him, because he loves him... All Tragity is hard on kids the most.. I made the mistake of not callin him his "Dad" and living in a small town, a girl had went to school when he was 7 & told him His Daddy was Died!!! Well when he come home he was devistated, he thought that he lost his father, and something happened to him... He held that in all day, @ 7 yrs old... I have Learned my Lesson... Honesty... Is ALWAYS the Best Policy... Now at 12, he has taught me, more then I could ever teach him... He has given me the gift of seeing life thru his beautiful Green Eyes, and our relationship is so much better for that...
You will know what to say, you are the only one that knows who and what your kids can handle, but when they see you working together, and doing the best you can, they will be OK as long as YOU are Ok!!
Take what you like & leave the rest... Friends In Recovery...
When I separated from AH, my son(9) was 6 yrs old. I had a year in the program.
I told him honestly what I had learned, that his dad was sick. We talked about what kind of sickness. I told him that his brain was sick and that he had to want to get better, but that the disease made him not know how sick he was. I told him that it was hard for me to understand, too.
I told him that we had to live apart because even though we loved dad very much, we had to protect ourselves and get better ourselves. We talked about how unhappy our family was, and that the yelling and fighting was not ok.
I told him that in a different way I was sick, too, and my behavior needed to change, too.
I told him that it was my responsiblilty to keep him safe and that even meant protecting him from dad when his dads behavior was not acceptable.
I told him that his dads sickness was not like the flu. We couldn't do anything to make him better. He had to work hard to get better for himself, just like I was going to work hard to get better and change myself.
I told him that his dad loved him so very much that he would do anything to keep him safe if he thought he was in danger, but that dad did not love himself that way. He had to learn to love himself enough to fight to get healthy again.
I told him that I was sad, too, but that we would be ok, whatever happened. It was ok for us to be sad and angry. We needed to show that when we felt it, in appropriate ways. We cried when we needed to and got angry when we needed as long as it didn't hurt someone else. We learned to let others be responsible for their own feelings.
My son seems to be pretty well adjusted, though he still shows codependnt tendencies. He will carry that with him throughout his life. I share my program skills and tools with him. They really help him, too. Kids can really absorb a lot as long as it is told to them honestly. They have a huge capacity to adjust to the truth.
I am grateful to Al-Anon for saving my family and teaching us to learn to be happy wherever we are.
((((((((((((Mandy)))))))))) You will get through it.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
) and it hit me that I already have a place to come to where there are many many people who have walked more on a path similar to mine AND speak my language (recovery) right here.
