The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It happened, my ABF ended the relationship today. Granted we had only been together since August, I had become quite attached.
We spent every weekend together when he got a pass to leave the sober living house he's been staying at. I had no problems driving to see him, ect....the relationship was very low-key and no pressure, which is what I thought what he was looking for.
So now today, after spending the weekend with myself and my family he tells me that he doesn't have the feelings for me he thinks he should. He wants to be in love and though his feelings grow for me every day, he's not in-love! In less than 3 months??? YOU wanted to take it easy, YOU wanted no pressure and that's what I gave you. YOU were the one who wanted to put an official title on the relationship instead of just going with the flow. YOU! Not ME! and now here I sit, completely confused!
So what were all those messages, e-mails, phone calls about how you missed me and couldn't wait to see me about? Crap?
I am feeling miffed and taken advantage of but I need to make peace with the fact that it is not really about me. ALL of his relationship have centered around drama and his drinking/drug use and we didn't have that, any of it.
I need some voices of reason I guess so I don't hold it against him, that it's his disease and he's still very much learning how to function without all of that but I can't help it! I am so angry!
Aloha Wanton...I know that place...That place and time where I realized that I had turned the whole decision and outcome to another person and in my case an alcoholic female who later became my spouse. It was also the place when in program I was asked the question, "What was your part in it?"... Where I was and had ended up wasn't solely the alcoholics responsibility...where was I and what was I thing and hoping when I started that relationship. Oh I know...I found some one I thought I could/would fix. To DIYs it would be considered a mere project but when you call it alcoholism its called "the impossible dream"...I think it even comes with its own song...sure does comes with a lot of books suggesting a not to do it frame of mind and millions in recovery from attempting it inspite. I'm just a grain of sand on that beach myself. Keep coming back. This does work when you work it. (((((hugs)))))
Thank you Jerry but I didn't try to fix him. Didn't harp on him about meetings, calling his sponsor or any of it. I told him I was OK with him just as he was and that I would accept his faults if he would accept mine. There was no pressure, just easy and I still got the shaft.
I know wanting him to have accountability is wrong of me but I can't help it.
So, did you have an expectation that because you were being the "perfect" mate, not "expecting" anything from him that he would see you as a super saint and love you? I'm not being snotty, this is what I did with my ex. I was SO laid back and accepting of where he was. I didn't realize that I was actually expecting that my behavior, my way of working our relationship was actually a form ofmanipulation.
I also thought that "sober" meant "normal" or "healthy" and I was wrong on that count also. I am sorry this happened to you. Being involved with an A is challanging (that's me putting it nicely).
He is newly sober which is also refered to as "Stark Raving Sober" Early sobriety is worse than drinking.
I had to stop and examine why I was so willing to put myself and my expectations aside for such an obviously sick individual. And that's what this program has helped me with.
I suppose you have a point Serendipity, by giving him what he wanted I inadvertently expected him to want me more.
I thought I was giving him what he needed and or didn't need from a relationship and got the shaft anyway. It still boggles my mind though and I guess I should have learned after my XAH, to stay away from these types of relationships. Period.
When it's over, it's over, Wanton. Now on to better things.
Take care of yourself, and look toward the future with anticipation of a real relationship that will work for both you and someone new. And don't forget, being by yourself can be satisfying and enjoyable too.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I agree and relate to "getting the shaft" because that is one of the consequences of enabling personalities and much of the time I found that it was my own hand from the start, on the shaft. I'm cool, I'm laid back, I'm okay with it as long as..., and this is the part where I design my prejudices or preferences which went unstated and enforced for myself and ended up saying, "Oh crap that really hurt!!"
Wanting others to be accountable is natural, normal and balanced. Expecting an alcoholic to be accountable is a future resentment.
Wanton, The sad truth is that the only one who can tell you "why" is him and it can be any number of things from what he told you to something else.
I have given up trying to figure out why my "A" does what he does and even if I could (such a scary thought) how would that help? I still wouldn't be able to stop him from doing what he does. And even if I am not trying to control the situation there is no comfort in knowing how his mind works....he is sick and hurting.
Hurt people, hurt people.
Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
I feel the same and the guy wasn't even an A... Sometimes people change their minds, walk away, we may never really know the reason or be able to understand it. I still struggle with this. I don't really have any esh for you, I am still trying to accept what happened in my situation and it's been months. Everyone takes something different to get on with it I guess. Some move on like it was nothing and others linger and dwell. I'm a dweller... Let me know if you find something that works for you.
