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So, my husband came home a little over 3 weeks ago after spending 90 days in treatment and I have to admit I'm really struggling with him being back home. The first three days he laid on the couch and watched movie after movie, with very little interaction with me or our three kids. I just kept thinking, how can you just lay there and ignore us. We waited 3 months for you to come back and to be a part of our family again, and this is what we get?? So after the 3 days he went back to work, and when he came home it's back in front of the tv. I guess I had this expectation that when he came home we would finally be a family. That we would finally be able to go out and to things together, without him having to get buzzed up and embarrass us or meet his drug dealer. I know I keep hearing that at least he's sober, but my word. Please help!
From what I've heard, this is really common. Sometimes the only thing they can do is stay sober.
My AH just went to his first AA meeting last week. At my al-anon meeting this week, I was told to go through my daily readers (like One Day at a Time) and look up in the index all the pages on "expectations" and read them. It helps. It's tough to not have any expectations about what life will be like when he stops drinking, but it seems necessary in order to avoid disappointment and resentment.
You are not alone. Have you been to an al-anon meeting?
When my BF came out of rehab I expected my life to get better. It didn't. I actually got sicker because I had so many expectations for the way HE would change, to make me happy again. I didn't realize that my exposure to alcoholism had also caused me to become sick as well. My focus was constantly on him and what he was or was not doing and how that was impacting my life. After ALL he had done to me, how could he not be attempting to make amends to me 24 hours a day? I didn't get that he was fighting for his life and that I needed to learn to take care of myself no matter what he did.
I had to learn to detach from his recovery as well, as his disease. It isn't easy and it continues to bea challenge for me to keep the focus on myself.
My AS got out of a 28 day rehab and drank the next day. I was not totally suprised as I tried very hard not to have expectations. I knew he would not be in a good place when he got out and no longer had a job to go to and nothing to do during the day. That was his choice to not return to the job. He is now collecting unemployment so who knows when he will go back to work.
I just keep telling myself that expectations are future resentments. I don't only use it with alcoholics either.
Detach from his behavior, dont focus on what he is or is not doing, focus on YOU and love u frist. Having expectations will only hurt YOU. Distract yourself and kids, do ur own thing. Leave him in front of the tv, get busy and get into life. Eventually he will notice that ur not sitting around waiting for him.
Get to mtgs, work the steps, get a sponsor - this program works. If u cant get to f2f, then do it online, YOU can make these changes and it will help ur AH if u have a solid program and ur life is no longer revolving around him. Get a life of your own. Sure it isnt what any of us expect in a marriage/family BUT this is what works with A's.
Besides ur kids need a healthy parent to emulate and they will gravitate toward the saner one. Take care of YOU whatver that looks like.
Welcome to MIP/alanon
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
