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I think I told you all in my last post that my husband and I were talking again. The guy is so miserable and so agitated over little things that I was thinking back on how much I enjoyed the silent treatment. I feel like I'm growing cold hearted and again wondering if I should leave but guilt feelings are getting the best of me because he has done a lot for me thru out the years for which I'm grateful. In a way I feel obligated to put up with his mental abuse, but is it too much for a wife to want a warm, loving and communitive husband. Before we use to make decisions together, lately he doesn't want to hear what I want, he goes and does whatever he wants.. just my vent for today.
I didn't ask but notice that for the last week his drinking buddies aren't coming over, and he is in the house more, although he slips out to the garage to have a drink. I don't know but maybe he is trying to atleast cut down, or his buddies heard that I was close to leaving him and are cutting back on their visits.
Hi Dori , silence is golden , but not when were taking it personal . my husb used to go for weeks not talking to me drove me nuts , and of course I made it worse by always asking are u ok is there anything u want to talk about ? and finally getting pissed off and holler at him to get his attention . some one told me to enjoy the silence thought that was really stupid at the time . but she said think of it he isn't hollering , or fighting about anything or just plain complaining and pointing out my defects . enjoy the silence she said . that worked for me . In sobriety my husb and i talked about that little senario and he said he suffered from depression occasionally and didn't want to talk to anyone , he was trying to think it thru himself .and when i constantly tried to fix it , it eventually ticked him off and the fight was on . I had no idea he suffered from depression . so it was not about me at all . Now he goes thru bouts occasionally , I ask once if I have done something to upset him , only once ! if he says NO I leave the problem with him where it belongs . and enjoy the silence .
Thanks. Lately it's easier not to talk. I gave it my all for so many years and now Ive come to the point where I'm fighting back. I don't know if I care anymore? As for depression, he may be depressed or it may just be his character. I have gone to bed fighting tears and have woken up fighting tears so I'm fighting depression as well. Having one of those days.
Do you have a sponsor? If not, get one ASAP. You need the focus on you, not him.
You do not have to do this alone.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I am learning that lack of communication in my marriage is NOT helpful for me at all. Once the communication ceased in my marriage, other things started to spiral downhill.
The problem is, when I am communicating, it's with an alcoholic. I had a thought dawn on me the other day that my AH is in an altered state of mind most of the time. Either he's drinking and the alcohol is altering his mind, or he's not drinking and his urge to drink and his "ism"... his disease... is altering his mind.
Sounds like a lose/lose situation, but I'm starting to realize, too, that I don't hurt myself by speaking up so long as I don't have a suitcase full of expectations of certain outcomes when I DO communicate. AND, I feel okay with myself when I can communicate with love and respect.
I went for nearly a full year of pretty much avoiding "hot topic" discussions with my AH because I really didn't quite know how to handle my AH's responses (or reactions) to them. Usually it turns into a tirade of his blaming me for things and I'd take it personal... forgetting it's the disease lashing out to protect itself.
I'm only just now finally just practicing speaking up - I've just gotta do it. I am doing it with the assistance of couples counseling, though. But I'm also TRYING this outside of the counseling as well. And I'm slowly learning to watch for when the "ism" begins to rear its ugly head. I had a conversation the other night with my AH where he started to grow agitated and irrational... that ugly "ism" popping up, so I immediately said with calm... "It was not my intention to agitate you. I'll leave you alone now." And I got up and left the room peacefully.
Surprisingly enough, my AH actually came to me the following morning and apologized for reacting the way he did.
It isn't easy. I've had years and years and years of not speaking up for myself or doing so inappropriately. My AH appears to be good testing grounds for this.
Thanks, I'm glad it's working for you, well sounds like the last time it did. I found when I started to speak up, at first it seemed like I was getting through and at times he was even apologetic, now, well, his favorite words are ..."I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT, STOP, NO! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!" The expressions on his face almost look like it's painful for him to deal with it, yet these are relatively simple things but he has a problem dealing with the simple things lately. Maybe I need to deal with this in another way and walk away and not expect him to ever deal with it. Yes, that's what I'm going to do! God give me strength.
