EXABF picks today of all days to reappear.........I wish he'd just die-i know that's terrible... - Al-Anon Family Group

shellyj123 · ~*Service Worker*~

EXABF picks today of all days to reappear.........I wish he'd just die-i know that's terrible...

SLS · Senior Member

Just a couple of thoughts (in addition to empathizing with the pain--I am in the midst of the same pain):

(1) I was asked why I am letting my A live rent-free in my head...

(2) My A has no idea of the pain that I am in. The things that are significant to me, don't even register with him. I am not even sure that he understands that I am in the process of withdrawing from the relationship. Go figure. So, when I get myself all twisted up about "how could he...," "how can he...." etc., I am doing just that--getting myself wound up. He has no clue. So, do I spend my energy being upset because he has no clue, or do I work on letting it go...

(3) Have you thought about blocking his email?? If not, I would think about why not. Are you holding on to something?? Are you hoping for something?? Is there an expectation there that is simply a premeditated resentment for you (that will have no impact on him)? For me, I have decided not to answer when my A calls and if there is a message that requires a response, I will text him. Talking to him only sucks me back in. So, just for today, I will do the best I can to follow-through with this promise to myself.

Hang in there and try to get to a meeting if you can--that always gets me centered again, at least for that 1 hour.

Yours in recovery,

SLS

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh Shel forgive yourself please! Hey A or not, how cold to tell your ex you are posting pics of a new woman.

We cannot always accept things gracefully, it is really not our nature. We do our best to teach ourselves other ways of handling things, and hope when we are triggered we will use them.

So pat yourself for the times you did catch yourself.

To me this was plain hurtful and rude.

I want to say we just yell at a disease, but in this case it could be a non A pulling this.

I hope you will think about what a nice person you are, and how you would never do that to anyone. Maybe feel compassion for someone who has so little emotion that they would hurt someone else like that.

For me I found by forgiving people and having compassion made me feel better. I honeslty Shelly have no anger or anything toward A's at all. Or People at all, just feel sad for them.

So here is a soft cotton quilt, a cup of nice warm tea, with peanut butter cookies. (o:

hugs hugs, I care about you. love,debilyn

Jozie · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((((((((((((((((SHELLY)))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am Sorry he picked such a day to stir the pot on your once again...

I understand wanting to be left alone in your thoughts, I just want you to know that when you are ready or need to talk I am here for you always:)

Love & prayers My SIL :)

I'll be prayin for your Peace as well... Take care of you, and be easy on yourself, I would have reacted the same way... I'm still workin on that one as well ;)

Jozie

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

I would say neither of you are moving on in reality... I know how you feel. I can't make it any better any faster and neither can you. Only time can heal this and who knows how much. Nobody knows for sure. I know I still have a string holding onto my ex I can't let it go. He has completely cut me off in every way I guess I am like the A who needs to be completely shut down in this case. Kind of eye opening to see it from that perspective. Anyway, you did what you did. That was what you needed to do at the moment. Don't beat yourself up, let it go. I have a lot of resentment toward my ex bf too and he wasn't even an A. People change their minds, people walk away for whatever reason and sometimes it's not apparent. People need what they need in their life right now and for us it's not them or for them it's not us either way we are being pushed in another direction. Obviously he's not done because he bothered to contact you. Are you done? I have been thinking on this a lot lately, I know I'm not done but I have to figure out what it will take for me TO BE DONE because I SO need to be done. I don't want him back but I can't let him go. Are you with me here? Lets spend some time thinking about what it will take to cut the cord to the past and live for the present and the future whatever they may hold!

Lilly Burn · Veteran Member

Ooh Shelley Im so sorry you have had that dumped on you. Of course he's not done, would you dream of sending him a similar email, of course not...dont feel bad, I know they wind you into such a knot, thats what they do, we see it over and over again here. Just think like I do, so long as they stay in touch, you are still actually bugging them in some way, I take solace from that. But, as you know, my ex AH cannot get hold of me at all.....saves all that pain. My worst thing is knowing i can find out what hes doing at a click of a button. After the last time when I caused myself such trauma by reading all about it, I am managing to resist, with extreme difficulty. Its like having an unopened letter in front of me..but I keep working on it. Forgive yourself, forget it, so patronising, just like the emails my ex sent my sister in his attempts to get at me. Ignore him completely, it gives you power if they cant get hold of you, or at least thats how i feel, I have control over whether he contacts me or not and I say not. I really am sorry Shelley, what a careless way to treat you, you dont deserve that and once again just think, who do you know that would be that insensitive or bother if they werent bothered themselves in some way. Master manipulators with egos big as a bus...and such arrogance. Please take care of yourself, keep at it, were all struggling along with the help of each other here... Bye for now. PS im sure he will look terrible with no teeth so hopefully you will get your camera!!! Lilly x

serendipity · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds like he dangled the hook and you bit. And he walked away with his sick ego a bit fuller. Don't you wonder how bored he was to mess with you, yesterday of all days?

First of all, a healthy, decent person would never ever in a million years contact an ex to tell them about their new victim. That is just sick. And ya know he is trying to stir up drama with you AND with his latest victim.

But you did fine, Shelly. He poked you in a sore and you reacted. That is totally normal. If I had a big runny sore on my leg and someone came over and stuck their dirty finger in it and then said "sorry" Heck YEAH I would be mad!!! I would scream, cry, probably haul off and hit the person. And how much worse it would hurt if it was someone who actually PUT the runny sore on my leg in the first place.

What would have been abnormal would have been if you hadn't reacted at all. Or had reacted with love for this sore making sicko. So, when you step back and look at your reaction, it was pretty right on. And yes, the goal is to get to indifferent, move away from hate or love and just become indifferent so that runny sore can heal.

But you are getting there. And so am I. It takes time, it takes strength on our part (like deleteing all forms of communication with them, letting our pain out to others and not them, and taking care of our own feelings not expecting them to care, at all). But I know it can be done and you are doing it.

Tenderheartsks · ~*Service Worker*~

Most email programs and software have filters on them. I've used that feature more than once.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.