The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have had a lot of difficulty getting beyond Step 2.
For the first time in a couple of years, I went to a f2f meeting and it happened to be a Step meeting - something I have always avoided because I have never been successful in working the steps of my program.
Today's meeting was on Step 11 - a very intimidating step because meditating has been something I thought I was incapable of achieving. During today's meeting, listening to others share, I had realized that my definition of meditating was out of my grasp because I cannot seem to quiet my mind for any length of time. As I sat there listening to the person across from me begin verbalizing the same frustrations that I have had, I visualized the beautiful glass etching of the Serenity Prayer that sits on the windowsill over my kitchen sink. I realized that everyday that I stand at my sink doing dishes, a relatively mindless act, I read the Serenity Prayer over and over. I may not have achieved what I thought meditating should be but for quite a while, I have been meditating, sometimes several times a day without realizing that is what I have been doing.
My second epiphany occurred at my therapy session. As I was sharing the first bright light of my recovery in some time when the conversation drifted towards my issues with Step 2. Since I am not very religious, spiritual or faithful, the closest object I considered my HP was the tire iron I had visualized beating my AH with at my angriest moments. Since I separated from my AH and he has removed himself from me and my son's life entirely, I have become both parents. I was recently told that my son is my permanent compass and my direction follows him wherever he needs me to be. Has my son been my HP this whole time and I was so unable to detach from the AH that I couldn't see it? My love for him is a Power greater than myself. A Power that surpasses any feelings for anyone or anything that I had ever previously had.
I think my miracle is finally happening!
Thank you for giving me a safe place to share and for listening.
Thank you for sharing your awakening with us. I agree the awareness you ecperienced is awesome.
This program takes time and effort and even when we think we are not getting it WE ARE. Your share reminded me how important the idea stated at all my meetings. " Keep Coming Back"
Aloha Akristab...that was very enlightening and I wish you more as you continue in the program. Step 11 will become a habit and meditation a 24/7 exercise if you wish it to be and you won't even need a mountain top to sit upon gazing out over the rest of the world. LOL I also had made people my higher powers including my alcoholic...not a good idea because of the fallible nature of all humans. When I got to Al-Anon my first HP was a door knob...I could open no new doors with out one.
Amy: I also have trouble quieting my mind at times to meditate. i guess i just need to turn off the TV more often & get in touch with My HP. I am just so grateful that I found him again. You will find that your HP is always there even when you are not ready for the 2nd step. Right now just keep focusing on the Serenity Prayer like you said. It is there by your sink for a reason I guess.
