Expectations........How do you NOT have them? Any ESH appreciated. - Al-Anon Family Group

shellyj123 · ~*Service Worker*~

Expectations........How do you NOT have them? Any ESH appreciated.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

The period of getting to know someone is so crucial. I always got tripped up by having expectations that they were going to be right for me (my evidence was that they seemed to like me) and that feeling of, "Whee! Here we go!" And then if they fell short I resented them for not living up to their end of the deal (as I saw it), which was being a healthy person to be involved with. But I kept on with them anyway. That was where I fell short myself.

One month in is still early days. Pretty darn early days for someone to be casting insinuations about not answering your cell phone. I wouldn't expect anyone to make an exclusive commitment in the first month, and if you don't have an exclusive commitment, it's none of his business who calls you on your cell phone. And even if it were further down the line and it was his business, as you say, the communication skills don't seem to be there. If the issue needs to be raised, it should be raised at a quiet time when you have a chance to talk, rather than as a snide remark. Were those the kind of thoughts you were thinking when the resentment started to show up?

I often think of the saying, "When someone shows you what kind of person he is, believe him."

I'm wondering if what you had isn't so much expectations as hopes. Having hopes disappointed is hard, but it's something to pay attention to. I think noticing those communication problems is such a sign of health and growth. That's absolutely the kind of thing I would have swept under the carpet, back in the bad old days. So you are ahead of the game in noticing his behavior and your disappointment.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Shelly...This post brings back lots of old memories for me both good and not
so...."An expectation is a future resentment"....good lesson from my sponsor.
"Expectations with grace" are acceptable...good lesson from my counselor defined
with recovery experiences. The most valueable relationships I will have are with
my Higher Power, myself, mysponsor and then others including my family of orgin.
My Higher Power is and has never been an interruption in my spiritual journey. My
self has been case load to keep on the right tract. My sponsor hold the lantern
in front of me and eveyone else mostly have their own pride, egos and self interests
at the front.

"Trying to get to know someone when I haven't learned to know myself is a
disturbance in getting to know myself...I will end up remaining the person I am,
anxious, frustrated and filled with anger and bad habits." That one came from
inside the rooms of Al-Anon and AA and MIP.

"I ought not have program expectations from others who are not members. Also
from the rooms of Al-Anon and most helpful when I kept trying to find happiness
from relationships before finding serenity from self awareness." Sometimes the
plant with a pretty flower is a weed and will crowd out the good stuff. My own
gardening experiences.

(((((hugs))))) smile

Fifi · Senior Member

Hi Shelly. Thank you for your post.

The topic of expectations is one that has always been challenging for me. The word itself somehow even seems unclear!

Most of all, I hear a lot of recovery and self awareness and honesty in your words.

"This is not me trying to change him, just me realizing what I can not accept and what does not make me happy and taking care of me. I want and desire to be with someone who is capable of self expression."

For me,this is not an expectation...it is a need of yours. You've seen it, articulated it...now you get to choose what to do with it. Vision, decision, action.

As a co-dependant I can get confused when I have a strong feeling. It takes lots of work to determine where I am at. It takes work for me to accept my feelings as legitimate and to know that I deserve to feel them. When dating someone it gets even more confusing!

Take it slow and easy on yourself. Trust your feelings.

I don't try not to have the expectations...that seems like skipping a few steps for me. I try and notice my expectations and then make decisions that I feel comfortable with.

Fi

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Shelly for me I learned to think how I would feel if people have expectations of me. I am who I am, I do my best. We all want to be accepted for who we are.

With the A, I take it as it comes. I have zero expectations especially with him. I also maybe change the word to hope.

I hope they show up, I hope they are polite etc. But should is not in my vocab. My family never told each other what to do. I was always interested in how some moms have grown children and still tell them what to do.

For me to use the word "should" is putting my esh on someone else as if it is correct. Correct for me may not be so with anyone else.

In my old age I have learned to only share my esh,never to say do this or that like i have the answer.

Anyway I hope this helps some. it all actually made my life easier as with no expectations there are no disappointments or hurt feelings.

Makes life lots easier. love,debilyn

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

My understanding of no expectations means that I haven't the right to assume that other people should think/act/do what I THINK is the RIGHT thing for them or me. Other people are free thinking human beings and I need to show them the respect of assuming that they can make their own decisions and not assume that I know better than them what they should do.

See the words should and assume in the above statement. That is usually a dead giveaway that my expectations are getting in my way.

The thing that I noticed in your share was when you said, "This is not me trying to change him, just me realizing what I can not accept and what does not make me happy and taking care of me. I want and desire to be with someone who is capable of self expression." How do you know for sure that he is not capable of self expression? Are you a totally safe person to share himself with? I thought I was until I learned that I wasn't. Your first reaction to his question was a defensive position.

Thats pretty familiar to me, and in my experience my AH was not going to share himself with me when he knew I would not be able to take it without being defensive and maybe attacking him. When I worked on detachment and my unreasonable expectations, my AH learned to share with me.

We actually made a kind of agreement to start out a sharing conversation with something that would clue the other in to stop and think about controling our reactions. We wanted to give each other a bit of a heads up when we wanted to talk about something that might set off a defensive reaction. Clear as mud, huh? I'm not sure how to explain it, but it worked for us.

Anyway, that's just my experience. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Keep coming back.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.