The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Tonight, I hope to go to my second Ala non meeting (just depending on whether or not I can get a babysitter). I went to my first a few months ago as I was losing my mind dealing with my partner. After just that one meeting I had something FINALLY sink in. It was that I was NEVER going to be able to control his behavior. That I was fighting a losing battle. You had no idea how badly I needed to hear that !
Then, when I got home, and READ the pamphlets that were given out, I could NOT believe it ! My life, dealing with my AH, was accurately described and in terrific detail. Right down to the pamphlet that really discusses the financial crap that goes on....the running around like a chicken with it's head cut off trying to cover bad cheques syndrome was MY LIFE. Constantly. With NO heed for consequences on his part.
We have two babies together, ages 3 and almost 2. I also, until recently, had my 14 year old daughter with us. My current partner and I have been together 5 years now. I had NO idea when we first got together that my life would be absorbed by his alcoholism. What a trip it's been :)
After the situation getting completely out of control and him refusing not to get help and telling me he was above going to any sort of counseling I had to start making a plan to get out. There was obvious forms of abuse besides drinking too much. A lot of it happening when he was drinking. I had long since stopped having sex with him after he was making the choice not to come home at night and staying out drinking. On September 1st I told myself that I would be out on October 1st if had had still not chosen to go to counseling or AA.
He did not try to get any help so on October 1st I left and went to my dad's about 8 hours away by car with the babies and my daughter. I had an extremely hard time following through but I knew it was something that needed to be done. I felt I had to save myself and the children. I felt like I was drowning. I spent a few days there and then in a couple of shelters with the babies. I dropped my daughter off at her dad's house and she's enrolled in school at his house now (very hard to do but I let her have the choice of where she wanted to be....she's been suffering through life with my partner also and it wasn't fair).
It was an emotional whirlwind for all. He was devastated/angry/confused/overwhelmed......he attended his first AA meeting a few days later and tonight celebrates his 1 month.
I was devastated/angry/confused/overwhelmed also. I had a hard time doing that to someone I care so much about, he truly is my friend and I know how much he loves me and the family.
After a one month separation we've come back home, minus my daughter. We spent Saturday and Sunday going through a LARGE variety of emotions and issues.
I am praying for the grace to get through this. I love my family and would prefer for the family not to be devastated and ripped completely apart. I am hopeful that things will get better. My partner tells me he never wants to stop going to AA, that it's saved his life. He says he does not begrudge me for leaving and has finally been able to talk about his drinking. This is something he could NEVER do before and this is why I'm hopeful.
I, however, have huge issues. All that crap and now I'm here, debating about whether or not I want to give it yet ANOTHER chance. I'm scared, angry, ....lots of things. I have had the HARDEST time getting into my head that it's a disease and not a CHOICE. I grew up with my very alcoholic mom and always considered it her choice to be like that. I need help understanding, accepting etc. I know this relationship will not make it now by just him going to AA. I need Ala non just as badly as he needs AA.
So here we go :)
I look forward to my future dealings with the forum and my Ala non meetings.
{{hugs}} Erin Congrats to your AH on 1 month. My AH just went to his first two meetings this weekend.
So glad to hear that you are going back to al-anon. I know what you mean about not knowing whether you can give it another chance, I feel the same way. I've been told to focus on me and my own recovery, and let him own his. It's hard, but al-anon is a huge help. Keep coming back!
I can relate to your story so much. I too decided to end my relationship with my partner due to his denial, he too went to AA and has been sober for 6 months. I thought that everything would be fine but there has been lots to deal with. My partner is in AA working on himself and is improving slowly but I admire him so much because I have been in al anon for 2 years and know this disease is very cunning. I am trying to work on my resentments that are eating me up. I dont want the past and this disease to still be tearing our family apart. I hope you can go to meetings i attend two a week. I read every day. Have you read living with sobriey?
It is hard but you are both on a programme I feel closer to my partner than I have i a long time. It is hard but we both try one day at a time to work on our own recovery so that we can provide a healthy environment for the kids and become the people we both know we are. Hope this helps
Aloha Erin...good for you!! Look up the definition of the disease of alcoholism from the American Medical Association and learn more about the disease aspect. The understanding will be soooo helpful. It was for me because I use to once believe that my alcoholic wife chose to drink the way she did just to hurt me. All about me. Today I know its a disease. (because this skeptic went to college on it...LOL)
Do this program and live one day at a time. It didn't happen over night and it won't get the solutions overnight either...so one day at a time is what works for most other wise I would have run to early.
I plan on it. Thank you for your kind words. The "one day at a time" is the best way to deal with EVERYTHING I think, otherwise it's all too much.
Tracy, I haven't read living with sobriety, is that the title of the book ?
Lord knows I can't afford to buy anything right now BUT I could try to order it in from the library :)
I need help dealing with the crushing financial reality right now....at this point I wonder if there's even going to be a Christmas around here.....what rabbits can I pull out of my hat today ?
