The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, My name is Lisa and My husband is an alcoholic. I am 44 and we have been married over 20 years- he has been an alcaho;oc fpr the last 3. I will spare you the details because you all have similar stories. I have been attending al anon for about 9 months and I thank God every day for it.
This weekend was a bad one, he was very active and I basically cried all weekend and really felt stuck. I tried a few things to move me through the funk but none of them worked. I did not go to my meeting, I just couldn't. I literally could not hold it together and I know I needed to be there but I just felt so raw.
I did do somethings I was proud of. I did not engage in fights with him although he tried to suck me in. I found tons of beer bottles that I took out of the garbage ( that were hidden) and put them in front of his van door ( Because I am nuts and he is NOT drinking- you know the drill) and then I decided that was not what I should do, so I put them back in the trash. I don't know what I should have done but in the end I knew shoving it in his face was not going to help anything.
The other thing is I need a sponsor, but I don't know how to go about it and who to ask. I feel like I will just be another burden on someone in my group.I have one woman I would love to ask but again, I am not sure how to approach it.
My eyes are swollen, I feel like I need to get control and bring it back to action and not reaction but it is so hard not to be thrown into a tailspin by his actions.
I also called my husband's older brother (their mother died literally died of alcoholism) and finally asked him for help. I did not want to "tell" on my husband and I have been thinking about asking him for help for about 6 months but didn''t want to do that unless I felt compelled to. So I made that call last night and it was hard. They are going on a fishing trip in a few weeks and I asked his brother to just observe and see what he could do.
I am usually the strong one- Hate asking others for help- hate being weak-- can't believe I cannot soldier on as usual.
I am new too, only been in Al-anon for 3 months, so I have often felt much like you do. I think you absolutely did the right thing putting the bottles back, it would only have made things worse. I always used to pull out the hidden bottles and leave them for him so he knew I knew, but I don't do that anymore and it has made a huge difference.
As for a sponsor, just ask. The worst that can happen is that she says no (which if that happens, don't take it personally, it just may not be a good time for her), but it will be so rewarding for you if she says yes. It is an honour to be asked, so do not be afraid, you would not be a burden to her - helping you will also help her with her own recovery. (Of course I say this not having a sponsor myself, I have not found the right person yet). Asking for help is not weak, I think it shows signs of strength.
Yes....ask the woman who you like. I am sure it has been enough time for you to observe and see that she may have what you want. Even times like over this weekend when you could not force yourself to get to the meeting you could still call your sponser.
Hello Lisa , well even the toughest of us crash eventually and that is a good thing , for me that made me more determind to change my life . Al-Anon did that for me , you mentioned u cried all weekend . It is so easy to fall into victim mode but for me that is falling right into a trap this disease sets us up for on a daily basis . i became determind to not let this disease win . Until we let go absolutley nothing will change for us the obsession will continue to ruin what could have been a great day . Am glad u put the bottles back it would have done nothing to help the situation . Accept that he drinks . period . We all want a partner that we can share the daily stuff with but with an active A its just not possible so I loved it when I heard about plan B . make your plans just dont plan the outcome . If the A changes his mind go anyway , we owe that to our kids they deserve at least one happy parent. Time will tell if talking to brother will help or not , in my experience it only made things worse . As for your sponsor , sounds like u have already found someone now all u have to do is ask . and remember if she says no , don't take it personally she may just have too much on her plate right now to be of help . ask someone else keep going til u find a perfect fit . Sponsorship is a gift when someone asks us to sponsor them , not a burden . It is one of the ways we get to give back what we have found here. good luck Louise
Thank you Louise, I do accept that he drinks but I hate when he pulls the "your a bitch and imagining things" so I feel such a strong desire to prove I am not crazy! I know it is all nonsense but I hate when he acts like I am crazy.
I will ask that woman next week for sure. I know she is the right fit for me and I will not feel bad if she can't manage it now.
I know that his brother may have no impact that is why I wrestled with it for so long, but I just knew it was something I had to do.
I can't thank you enough ( everyone) for taking the time to answer me :)
Aloha Lisa...that was a great practice session for the program the bottles and everything. Reactions to the disease often get lighter when we look at them with humor and humility. I learned to do "the score" routine at one time. When I found that I had gotten had by the disease I would say "Alcoholism 7 enabler 0" and then shake my head and go on to the next down.
Finding a sponsor is just a matter of asking. You can ask and still be afraid and then still ask and tell the person your scared. Good sponsors always understand where they have been at themselves and will be honest. If they won't they say no and you can breathe a sigh of relieve if you are really that afraid...If she says yes go run and get two chairs and ask her..."Teach me e v e r y t h i n g". LOL I wanted to know everything my self and that always brings me back to the slogan..."Keep coming back."
There are always two kinds of meetings you want to get to. The ones that you like and the ones that don't want to go to. That one always worked for me. When I am in a funk I am the last person I should be alone with. Being in a meeting means that you will be where there are people who love you. Stay home with the alcoholic and you end up with two people who will give you heat...the alcoholic is one of them and guess who the other is? When I learned to detach from my alcoholic wife I detached completely. I didn't even go around trying to recruit others to help me help her get sober. I turned her 100 percent over to HP which is good practice toward "trusting God" (first 3 steps). don't even try to set yourself or him up again. Take care of you. Good to have you drop in here and I hope you get that sponsor and keep coming back. The time you have in program is helpful for others also.
Thank you so much Jerry. I know that I should have went to the meeting, there are many others that I did not want to go to and when I did the it was exactly what I needed to hear. I didn't go because I didn't want to break down.
I am going to ask her about being my sponsor, I think it is time for that for me....
