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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> No Idea What To Do
Post Info TOPIC: No Idea What To Do
ElizabethLost


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No Idea What To Do
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I'm new here, though I used to read here when my husband first started going to AA. To try to give a brief history...we've been together 6 years and when I met him he drank...I thought just socially, but as time went by I realized it was so much more than that. He drank often, was doing drugs when he drank, would spend all the rent, cheat, lie all the time, steal, scam, etc, etc, etc. Finally when I was 4 months pregnant he cheated long story short..my whole family is in AA so I made some calls and he went into rehab. Had a few relapses but hasn't drank in over a year. However...his issues with lying never stopped ...sometimes about really non-important things, sometimes about things that mattered. Or the fact that he is very "self involved". Going back about 4 months I would say, he started hiding money from me (he used to bring home his pay and give it to me, a habbit that started from him spending it all drinking), and I would pay all the bills groceries etc, and give him money whenever he wanted it.....but suddenly his pays got smaller and smaller and he started hiding cash from me. I am a stay at home mom and don't work. We fought about it but it didn't stop. He always went to his AA meetings, sometimes 7 nights a week and during the day if he wasn't working. I had no problem with this, but he used to get home about 9:30pm from his meetings, now he comes in the door at 11:30. I asked him over and over....please don't come home so late I am sleeping the baby is sleeping and it wakes us up. Not to mention he is never ever home. He gets home from work, gets in the shower, then goes out again to his meeting. I tried talking to him asking him to maybe skip a night and spend a little more time at home, he blew up at me and said he is doing what he needs to do. This week the lying about the money got really bad and we argued. Last night it blew up and he packed his bag and left. Left us with rent that's not paid, bills that are behind, no pull ups, no milk, no nothing. This was about midnight last night and I have not heard from him. Certain events that took place before this makes me think he may have already had a place he rented behind my back and went there. I don't know. He knows I have a "rule" that if you walk out the door, you don't come back. I have broken every rule I have since I met him except this one. It's Halloween tonight and my daughter keeps saying "Daddy trick or treat", she hears the door and thinks it's her father, but it's not. I don't know what to do. There is so much more to this story but obviously I can't type it all here.......This relationship is bad on many levels but there were good moments too..I am just in shock that I have been to hell and back with this guy and all of a sudden he decides he doesn't have to answer to anyone and up and leaves the night before Halloween. He said he hasn't been happy the last 3 months...well we have been together 6 years and I can promise you it was not all wine and roses for me...but I stood by him because that's what you do and because I loved him. Now I am sitting here stunned, with 2 choices so far....one is I submit and say he can do whatever he wants and I have to keep my mouth shut, or I turn my whole world upside down and my daughters and try to figure out what in the world I am supposed to do now...sitting in an apartment I can no longer afford, with bills I can no longer pay and with zero money in my pocket, while I listen for my daughter as where Daddy is. I am lost and in shock. Anyway, sorry for the rambling just unloading I guess cry

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hotrod


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Hi Elizabeth Lost.

I am glad you found MIP and welcome to alanon and your recovery.  So sorry you are living with the isms of alcoholism.  I heard someone say that this disease is called  alcoholism and not alcoholwasism.  

Even when the drinking stops the attitudes and reactions of a person suffering from this disease, take active work in order for them to change.  

I know this situation appears impossible  .  I have been there so please know you are not alone.  Alanon recommends you make no major life changes for the first 6 months in program. 

I would like to suggest:

You  begin to attend some alanon meetings.  Help with finding local meetings near where you live may be found at the following web site:            http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon

Online meetings are held in the Al-Anon chat room associated with this site.

From the board click on Al-Anon Group Meeting/Chat Room in the yellow box in upper left of the page.  After clicking on the link please be patient, sometimes it takes a while for the window to open.

Pick up literature  at the meetings and begin to use some of the tools recommended.  

Start to completely focus on yourself and child, Live One Day at a Time , Pray and keep coming back here and sharing.  

You will find help and sanity regardless of what he chooses to  do.

 

-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 31st of October 2009 05:56:48 PM

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
akristab


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((((((((ElizabethLost))))))))))

I am sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time and I know ALL your pain.  My alcoholic drug addict husband did pretty much everything your husband has done and I did everything that you have done. 

You did not cause his addiction, you cannot control it or cure it either.  You only have control over you and what happens to you and your child.

I finally separated from my husband after the years of lies, cheating, stealing, relapses and rehab stays.   

I now spend many hours in therapy to deal with my trust issues that stem from the years of living with an addict.  I am sure you have heard many things from many people, all of which help, but it wasn't until I was ready and my therapist (an addiction recovery counselor) asked me "How do you know if when addict is lying?" and she said, "His lips are moving." that I had my epiphany and every since whenever my husband would speak, all I heard was static and was finally able to detach.

When you are ready, you will have your moment, but in the meantime take care of you and your daughter.  Whatever you husband has done, is doing or will do it out of your control and you have to take care of your daughter.  If you do not have family to help, contact Social Services and they will help.  There are emergency services available for situations of an extreme nature.

Keep coming back here, there are many wonderful people that all have something supportive to offer.  You need to get a support system to help you get through this and MIP is a great place to come.

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))) to you and your daughter.




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Amy
Picking myself up & hitting RESTART
Jerry F


~*Service Worker*~

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Aloha Elizabeth...That isn't any AA program as I understand it.  It might be what we
call switching addictions or the meetings for the drinking and using however it looks
more like "self will run riot" or "self centeredness to the max" also.   But inventorying
his program doesn't help you...A suggestion for you might be to call the local Al-Anon
hotline number from the white pages of your telephone and see if you can get a live
person to talk to and maybe to bring over some literature for you to read.  Any of
the daily readers would be helpful...like One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, Hope for
Today, Courage to Change, or more.   A live person in your neighborhood would
be helpful.

(((((hugs))))) smile

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ElizabethLost


Newbie

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Posts: 2
Date:
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Thank you all for your responses aww I did attend the online meeting here last night and it was very helpful. In one meeting I took away that for one...I need to stop "checking" on what he is doing....checking his email, bank account, phone...guilty of all those I'm afraid...and 2....there is a chance he is now using AA as an excuse for bad behavior....the second one I am not sure what to do about if anything at all...but I am going to keep going to the meetings and listening because I learned quite a bit and it really was a very nice experience smile

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