The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After my A's last relapse, I realized how desperately I needed to work my program. The more I focus on me, the more I question whether or not I will able to fully heal me, while still in a relationship.
I have asked him for space. The truth is I don't know what space looks like except I said I needed the room to be able to live my own life. I've been doing that - meetings, trying to make friends, put myself out there. Very scary, but what I feel is required of me at this moment in time, if I want to do something different. I' m peeling back alot of layers of myself and seeing the roots of some things which have actually been freeing me, but also making me really emotional. I am accepting this and it's ok, but I don't know what to do about my relationship. Just for today, I don't know.
What I DO know is that I can no longer continue to use other people's validation to fill the hole within me. I need to learn to love, honor and respect myself regardless of what other people are or are not doing in my life. I need to learn to heal me so that I can live a life free from self hatred and this underlying belief that I am innately inadequate. I no longer wish to be bound by the chains of my inner critic and am willing to do the work, but I'm struggling with accepting that for today, I just don't know and am not ready to make a decision. It makes it hard to interact with my A because of this. There is that part of me that feels it cant' survive without his love and attention and affection. I am deeply terrified of rejection and abandonment. Today I realize I've been abandoning myself all my life. Growing up I was completely rejected and felt unworthy and not good enough and had my belief in myself crushed, so I began rejecting and shaming and abandoning myself long before others could. Today I still have this coping mechanism, but it brings me a tremendous amount of pain and prevents me from living life.
Thanks for letting me share. Not sure where I'm at. I am trying to TRUST the PROCESS. Just BE STILL. But alto in me is anxious and I am overcome with hurry and indecision.
What I DO know is that I can no longer continue to use other people's validation to fill the hole within me. I need to learn to love, honor and respect myself regardless of what other people are or are not doing in my life. I need to learn to heal me so that I can live a life free from self hatred and this underlying belief that I am innately inadequate. I no longer wish to be bound by the chains of my inner critic and am willing to do the work, but I'm struggling with accepting that for today, I just don't know and am not ready to make a decision. It makes it hard to interact with my A because of this.
Today I realize I've been abandoning myself all my life. Growing up I was completely rejected and felt unworthy and not good enough and had my belief in myself crushed, so I began rejecting and shaming and abandoning myself long before others could.
Thank you for being here and listening.
Hi Runner
Very powerful and insightful awareness truly touched my spirit and spoke to me.
I too discovered that I abandoned myself very early in life and am so very grateful for alanon and the simple tools of this program. I was given myself and a firm belief in HP in order to live my life with courage, and serenity, one day at a time.
I appreciate your share and encourage you to keep coming back
You are worth it.
-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 30th of October 2009 05:15:41 PM
Abandonment is a big issue for me as well. I think you are on the right track, though. When I learned to stop abandoning myself and learned to love and respect myself, then I was no longer so afraid of someone else abandoning me.
I heard in a meeting the other day that the only truely permanent relationship we will ever have is the one with ourselves. Isn't it worth it to put some time into that one?
Also, I have learned in the program that If I don't know what to do, just don't do anything. I think part of our disease wants us to get in a rush to DO SOMETHING NOW! That is usually when it is best to do nothing for the moment and talk to HP.
Keep coming back.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
The miracle is coming about for you RC...Where you are at is okay...very good and it needs your attention. From my own recovery experiences you have found another door to be opened. When I found that other door I went into fear also of what might be behind it. I imagined many fearful monsters and didn't open the door because I thought I just knew what was behind it and then working with an early sponsor I exercised the courage to open it and to my amazement I found openess and light and...another door a bit farther away. I am elated for you. It sounds like you have the need and the courage to discover RC and the willingness to do what is required. If you have a good sponsor to help guide you along the trip is so much more amazing. Good Luck...HP bless and keep coming back.
It's okay not to have all the answers right now. There are going to be days when things are crystal clear and others where there's nothing but thick fog. You just have to learn how to accept that and deal with it. Answers come when we are most ready to receive them. Sometimes when we push too hard for the answers it becomes convoluted. Take a deep breath the fog will clear. You have already shown great insight into who you are and what your needs are.
You can give yourself space both physically and emotionally. Look at Melodie Beatties book: The Language of Letting Go. I found it very helpful for me. You're doing just fine. Just don't be too hard on yourself. Recovery takes time and work. Keep going. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
What a powerful post! Such great awareness and insight... I can so relate to what you said and am very inspired by your progress.
Karilynn has a great suggestion with regard to getting a copy of The Language of Letting Go - I have this as a daily reader (in addition to my 3 CAL readers, LOL) and absolutely love it. It's a wonderful resource and is a vital part of my recovery.
Hang in there, RC - and know that we are all here with you.
