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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Talking again
Post Info TOPIC: Talking again
dori711


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Talking again
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Well, since I could not talk to my husband I wrote him a letter and in it jotted all the things down that were bothering me, and left it on the table for him to read.  He responded by coming and saying "okay, lets try it again"  and he also brought it up that I started it, so what really upsets me is that it seems what I wrote in my letter about him not letting me express my feelings and losing his temper and his unwillingness to deal with family issues etc etc...didn't sink in because he hasn't talked about it at all nor has he communicated that he will try to deal with those problems in particular.  I did not bring up alcohol, to do so would have started another fight, and I don't need that right now.

So right now, even though we are on talking terms I feel an emptiness inside, an unsettled feeling and a little bit of anger that he didn't seem very interested to deal with the problems between us.  I was thinking today that nothing has changed.  Although when he said that I started it, I remembered the advice from this board that he would deny responsibilty and would lay blame elsewhere..  Kind of made me feel good knowing that

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Andrea12


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((((((Dori)))))),

Accepting responsibility is something that an active a will never do...it is never their fault, they never start anything....it's always  someone else who causes it.

This is a true face of a practicing A.....blame goes any where except where it belongs on them.

I am glad  you realized this....keep working your program and get healthy again for you.

Peace,
Andrea

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Tomorrow is not a guarantee enjoy today
Jerry F


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Good memory Dori and it served you well...take an attitude of gratitude.  That he
responded and said "okay lets try it again" is another gratitude he participated.
That you can accept what you got rather than tantrum about what you didn't get
is a sign of growth.   We work this program one day at a time and tomorrow is
another day.  Working the program on a daily basis did not get me my way and
expectations met all the time.  It gave me slogans for a different mind set and
attitude like, "this too will pass".   Its progress not perfection always.  Empty inside
gives you an opportunity to fill yourself up with happiness from where ever you
find it; as I have learned here..."Happiness is an inside job."   Godd work on the
letter and the communications.  Nows a good time to have a sponsor available.

(((((hugs))))) smile

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Jen


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I know when dealing with an active A, I really have to keep my expectations in check. It is not reasonable to expect an active A to want to work on problems, share feelings, etc. That is going to the hardware store for bread. It isn't there. Its a waste of energy to go looking for what I need there.

Good for you for keeping your cool, not bringing up the drinking, etc. You are making good progress.

Keep up the good work.

In recovery,

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~Jen~

"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
dori711


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Thanks guys, with you all being here with me it's making this a lot easier for me.

Dori711

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Debilyn


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"what I wrote in my letter about him not letting me express my feelings and losing his temper and his unwillingness to deal with family issues etc etc...didn't sink in"
"
Sometimes it is not what we say but how we say it.

My esh is the "I feel" thing.

Not focused on him but ourself. I feel like I upset people when I need to express my feelings, I need someone to listen to me.

If someone responds to me and is upset I feel worse for bringing it up. Or I have always wanted to deal with family issues like blah blah. Is it easier to not get involved?

This way the other person does not feel attacked.

We can not change anyone but ourselves. For me I learned to see what I needed to do myself to make things work whether he changed or not.

For me it was all about loving him. We all want to be loved for who we are. And no my Ah did not fill so many of my needs. But he is a very very sick person.

It is not him we are mad at, it is the disease.

Glad you are here, great wisdom here. love,debilyn



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"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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