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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Is this normal?
Post Info TOPIC: Is this normal?
yelhsaa


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Is this normal?
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I have dated my boyfriend for 5 years now. Within the first two years his brother died of an overdose and his dad was diagnosed with ALS and died soon after. I think his problems were there before the deaths in his family. He does not have a job and lives in an empty house they are trying to sell that his dad used to live in. All of his living realitves left him in michigan, and I feel like I am the only one that cares about him. His drinking is worse now than ever. He lost his job and got two dui's. I work full time and make sure he has food and gas to apply for jobs and a phone. Lately I have been getting so mad at him all of the time. I cannot even look at him without thinking horrible things. I feel like I am the only one who really cares about him so I should not be yelling at him all of the time. Is it normal to get this mad and say mean things? I feel so bad after, but I just cannot control it when I am around him.

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Jen


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Yes, it is normal to get mad when you are being used. That is what A's do, they use us to keep their disease going because they are sick and don't know what else to do right now.

You have come to the right place. I would suggest looking for a face2face meeting in your area, and keep coming back here and read as much as you can and keep posting. You are not alone in this. Many of us have been or are where you are.

In recovery,

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~Jen~

"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
abbyal


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Is this normal , when dealing with alcohol nothing is normal , but I do know one thing as long as u continue to buy food and probably giving him money so he can drink nothing will ever change . why should it ? all his needs are being met by you . Until we stop doing for them what they should and could be doing for themselves nothing will change except you will become more angry and frustrated . (which your already experiencing )
His family is not responsible for him either he is an adult and should be looking after himself .  Please find an Al-Anon meeting for yourself u need support from people who understand your dilema .
 Love him , but now is a good time to step aside and allow him to grow up . the good news is u don't have to leave this relationship to step aside , just stop enabling .    good luck Louise

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I came- I came to-I came to be
Debilyn


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Abbyal and Jen are right on.

He can get food credits, there is help out there. He has to take care of him. I lost all my family in two years, friends too. Husband had brain surgery and went away. WAS tough. but I did it with little to no help.

He has to realize his situation and take care of himself. When we help it makes it easier for them to use.

Also we come to Al Anon to learn that when we really care, we don't do anything. To do anything makes it worse. The book,"Getting Them Sober" can help you to understand.

sure did me. I felt as you. It sure is the truth. And I loved him all my life. over thirty years.

Please take care of  you. Allow him the dignity to pull himself up. It is ok to listen to him, but as a friend not a couselor. Not letting his disease get you down.

Yes it is the disease you are mad at, not him. Detaching is amazing and will help you.

welcome, in frequently asked questions, you can learn how to find meetings and help.

love,debilyn

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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Jerry F


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Aloha yelhsa...Getting angry from feeling overwhelmed and trapped in this disease
is normal...so you're being normal.   Being abnormal would be doing what has
already been suggested.  Pull away from being his keeping and go to where you
will find help and support in the face to face rooms of the Al-Anon Family groups in
your area.  Alcoholism makes a profound affect on the lives of people affected by
another persons drinking.    Keep coming back here also.

In support (((((hugs))))) smile

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dori711


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Hi, I'm  fairly new to this board as well and I think you are angry at him because you are doing everything really and he is doing little, so I think your reaction to be mad is normal, however from experience I found yelling doesn't help, it just gives them an excuse to drink more.

-- Edited by dori711 on Thursday 29th of October 2009 10:53:10 PM

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hotrod


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Hi Welcome to Alanon
I understand your feelings of anger , frustration and love for your friend.  Alcoholism is a disease and anyone intimately connected to someone suffering from this disease is infected.  We become angry and unreasonable without knowing it. Alanon is for you and anyone effected by someones else's drinking.

Alanon will offer you tools to enable you to continue to love and care for your friend without hurting yourself and without enabling his disease. 

This disease is cunning and powerful so that is why we must focus on ourselves, attend meetings, read literature and live one day at a time.  

When we finally focus on ourselves and our mental health, hope returns and we are able to live life on life's terms

Please keep coming back and letting ujs know how it is going.

-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 30th of October 2009 10:14:56 AM

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
canadianguy


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In the immortal words of my wise old sponsor - "Normal is a setting on your washer or dryer, not for life"

All kidding aside, it sounds like typical behavior of both an A, and (unfortunately), an Al-Anon....  Just encouraging you to find recovery for yourself - reclaim yourself in all of this, get your focus back onto you and your needs... he'll either come along & grow with you, or he won't..... either way, you'll be way further ahead of the game....

Take care
Tom

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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"What you think of me is none of my business"

"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"

 

 

 

 
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