Id like to first thank all of you yesterday that took the time to read and/or respond to my post.  Yesterday was one of the most difficult days I have had in some time. 

After reading the many responses and thinking on things, I do believe that it is a combination of things that triggered me yesterday....this time of year, snooping on his page and being SOOO close to his home over the weekend. Anniversarys good or bad trigger many things for many of us.  I can not change what happened last year this time, how it happened, how I was treated, and I will more likely than not, NEVER know why he did what he did HOW he did it, how anyone oculd treat someone they say they love that way, disease or no disease, it is wrong! The only choice I have is to accept it.  However, there are things I can change and those are my actions, or even more so,  my REACTIONS.  The hardest part of this program for me has been to STOP AND THINK.  I am and always have been a REACTOR.  However, since coming here I have learned to STOP and POST and that has helped my TREMENDOUSLY in this journey.

I do believe that a lot of it is the old me waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I spent so much of my life NOT enjoying the good because I KNEW it was going to get bad, and it was just easier to stay in the gray area and never really enjoy true happiness than to have it and then have it taken away or beaten out of me on a regular basis.  Ive always wanted a guarantee in a relationship that it is going to last and be happy and that is just not realistic.  Once in one, and that has not been often, I have never truly enjoyed it out of fear and have sabatoged it myself when the other person didnt screw it up quick enough for my liking.   And that is another behavior that is difficult to change.  I can see it, and feel myself doing it at times, and have been guided by my HP during these times to reach out to another member, or post, or get my hands on some literature.  And it works. Im not saying I wont ever call or email the EXABF but I didnt do it yesterday and have no desire to so far today.

I met my new man friend and his son, mother and aunt last night and we all went to the Halloween Parade (a big thing in our small townJ) It was a great night, even though I had to leave early.  This man is amazing, and very much in tune with his own HP.  He is NOT an A, which makes me very happy, and being with him, and even his family is just easy. He holds my hand, kisses me on the forehead and treats me with such kindness.  (He insisted last night on leaving the parade and walking me the whole way back across town to my car because he didnt feel I should go alone in the dark-lol)  It was cute.  (Now I didnt have any issues going on my own- Ive worked Security and Corrections for years and was more concerned with his mom and aunt being there alone while he walked me back but he insisted) I dont feel the need to always be talking when I am with him, and be the entertainment for him, I can just be there and that seems enough at this point.   I spent a lot of my life being the entertainment.  I was like a one  woman comedy act, and it seemed as if I could make everyone around me laugh and be happy, then I was too-or so I thought.  What I was doing was distracting myself from what I did NOT want to think about-which was ME!   I dont feel as though I am bringing him into my life under and false pretenses, he knows my struggles and knows about my program and chooses to spend time getting to know me.  I dont feel I should wait until I have it ALL straight before I enjoy a dating life again-if that were the case Id probably never date again as this program is a lifelong  journey and new work everyday.  Ill never be perfect so Im not going to wait until Im close to let someone in my life that wants to be there and is aware of just what is.

What I am continuing to do is just take it VERY slow and trust that I am right where Im meant to be, even though at times that is hard, especially right now.  Im trying my best today, to just be in today and not project, or anticipate or sabatoge. 

Only my HP knows my future, I think Ill let it up to Him.

trying to keep it simple.
shelly