Desperately In need of some ESH, a real struggle today. Need some help... - Al-Anon Family Group

shellyj123 · ~*Service Worker*~

Desperately In need of some ESH, a real struggle today. Need some help...

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

The hurt the lies - u really want that back in your life again ? U want closure - hmmmmmm expecting him to listen is one thing *which probably wouldnt happen anyway * but don't expect that he will validate your feelings . Let go Shelly this is not a good thing . From this relationship you have a list of things u don't want in the future . think of it as a gift .

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I have so been through this. Two things I tell myself: "What you pay attention to, grows." So do you want more of the chaos and anger he's brought to your life, or more serenity? And second, "Recovery isn't winning, it's not playing." But boy, that urge to finally get closure, to "win," is so strong, isn't it? If this is what A's feel when they're trying to stay off alcohol, I can see why they have so much trouble.

I also have that urge to touch the stove again -- "Is it still hot? Will it still burn me?" Like somebody's changed the property of fire since I last looked!

One day at a time. Do something really, really good for yourself today. And is there a meeting you can get to?

We're here for you.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

"I just don't know what to do, or what not to do. I'm struggling and there are to many questions with to many different answers and I don't know which way to turn right now to fight these urges.......or maybe they are this strong because I'm not supposed to fight them........I don't know what to think....."

Aloha Shelly...the solutions are not in what you have been doing but what you have
not been doing.   If you are praying hard and forcefully you are trying to make it
work yourself, taking it back from your HP once you have tried to surrendered it.
The program taught me to pray and surrender with confidence...let go what it was
that I was needing to let go of and then turning it around without demands or
expectations on the outcomes. If I expected it to turn out how I thought it might
I would alway miss how HP took care of things.   HP does take care of me and I
have to go to the "next best thing for me" rather than hang around waiting for my
will to get taken care of.   Recovery doesn't work that way ever.   "Doing the same
thing over and over again expecting different results" is the programs accepted
definition of insanity.    Bringing a new person into the picture when you haven't
changed what is wrong with you just brings in a new person to your old habits.

What you describe that you are going thru is classic addiction behavior. The
alcoholic and the addict has to give up using and drinking completely or they fail
at sobriety. Reading your post I got the picture of when my exwife cut off the
corner of our childs old worn out baby blanket so that she could have something
familiar to hold on to and rub in between her fingers as she sucked her thumb to
sleep.   Hanging on for dear life and only the old familiar will work; not in this
disease it won't.

Have you got a sponsor to work with? Are you attending meetings and reading
the literature? Are you doing the new work or trusting to luck from your denial.

There were many truths in recovery that I had to learn, accept and then put into
practice; only one of these was, "Only I could save my own butt and only I could
lose it."   What are you not doing that is causing the situation to continue?

Just a valuable loving question I was asked by my sponsor.   In love and support
(((((hugs))))) smile

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

Shelly..

This is just an observation...I'm not anylizing but bringing to attention what is often a hurdle for Alanons.
It seems like when things are running fairly smoothly your posts are full of understanding and hope. Then the next post will be back to old behaviors.

There is a pattern when life settles and is running somewhat smoothly for too long, that's when we sometimes start doing things to sabotage it. Like looking on myspace and obsessing about the XBF, telling yourself you need closure. It already is closed and has been for months.

You may be missing the drama and need to stir it up to "feel". Many Alanons are so used to that way of thinking and being that if it is missing they create it (subconsciously).

I mean no insult, just honest program speak and something to ponder..

Christy

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Christy, thank you, that really speaks to some issues I've been having lately. It's as if when life is too calm I start feeling too much ... it is very helpful to remember that the answer comes from inside, not from stirring up the pot of trouble once more. That's just what I needed to hear tonight.

Jozie · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((((((((((SHELLY))))))))))))))))))

I understand your Need & or thought process being this time of year... I also know that many times you have handed this over to HP, and been... OK.... Then you take it back...

I also believe that when things are calm, that IS when this all comes to a head... Honey I love ya, and ya Need to Take Care of You, & Let It Go... Give it too God, & let him Keep it...hold your head up and walk into the light... Not the Darkness of yesterday...

I have found that if it is ment to be, it will be... And Pushing it to what "I" want has Never worked, weather if be Closure, or Satisfaction... or flat out revenge... I didn't like that person that I bacame when I would put myself in such a place.... Again.... Just my Oppinion... Having him on your Myspace is just another way to keep beating yourself up over something YOU Can Control....DELETE... No need to explain to him anything, No need to do anything more then Delete....If its not there ... It wont temp ya... If its not in your face, it isn't goin to be a constant reminder, and wont drag you back to the old you... "Detachment"..... Our Favorite :)

I say nothing in meaness or to hurt or undermine your feelings, I know that they are real, and I understand that things about him were Differant in your life, but like stated above, Why Bring MORE Hurt back into your life, opening Old Wounds, weather for closure or what ever... And in Searching for CLosure... That does not say it will be found... It may go a whole other direction...Opening that door, you don't know what you will find...

Please Take what you like and Leave the Rest... It is but my thoughts, and the final decission on how you live your life is only up to you...Take care of you... And Hand the rest to God... For this too Shall Pass :)

I will keep prayin for you that things turn around and you can get back on track ;)

Love ya

Hugs & Prayers

Jozie

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I missed the ex A tremendously for a long long time. The longer I went without any contact at all the better it was for me. Now I have not spoken to him for more than a year and it is such a relief.

maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.