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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Assuming the worst...pessamism
Post Info TOPIC: Assuming the worst...pessamism
carolinagirl


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Assuming the worst...pessamism
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So I have been chatting on yahoo with this army guy in Iraq who is half my age and trying to seduce me... (that's another story within itself) and last night we were chatting away.  It was the first time we had used the video chat and I was feeling a little under the weather and not looking great (in my mind).  So i move the laptop to look at my cell phone that just got a new text and I come back and he's turned off the video link and is gone and doesn't respond.  So what do I think????  He thought I was monsterous nevermind the last thing he had said was that I was gorgeous... He's never going to talk to me again... He's going to abandon me like the last one and just disappear... Feeling freaked out and like I am losing something. 

Forget the fact that I have serious concerns about his age in the first place.  Forget the fact that we have never met in person.  I immediately go into crisis mode.  I feel abandoned and like I don't know what's going on or what he's thinking so then I start making it up in my head...this must be what's going on...  Then I stop and I realize I'm catastrophizing!  He's in Iraq... any number of things could have happened, he could have had to leave suddenly to go do something, the connection could be bad there, who knows?  And I look at myself and ask me why?  Why are you so insecure?  Who cares if he talks to you or not?  You are already questioning your motives for flirting with a guy half your age...  You're already getting over involved and there's nothing there yet except talk and we all know talk is cheap.  As long as I have these fears of abandonment I know that I am not whole. 

Am I again looking for something from someone who is incapable of giving me what I need (no matter what he says he is capable of).  Why do I set myself up to be hurt again, to be so vested in another person that if they are removed from me it causes me pain, how can I be with someone and not become that attached but still love them deeply?  Is it even possible to love someone and not hurt when they leave?  Am I willing to be hurt like that again?  What about the kids do I want to introduce them to another guy who will abandon us?  I know there are no guarantees in life, to me the only thing that matters is the feeling you have for one another BUT how can I determine if someone is reliable or trustworthy if I have believed they were in the past and been so wrong?  I am still not fully healed from the last one and I know that having this guy to chat with and boost my sad little ego helps me let go of the one before. 

I realized last night I get attached way to fast, how can I stop it?  I mean I knew this before but never have understood what steps I can take to protect myself from myself and stop it from happening.  How do you distance yourself from people and still have a feeling of closeness?  It seems like one is exclusive of the other.  How can I consciously AVOID becoming overly attached to a romantic interest?  I can do it with everyone else but when it comes to romantic love I can never control my emotions.  Any suggestions are appreciated here.

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shellyj123


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(((((CG))))
First of all you are an amazing, beautiful person and never forget that.  You are correct he is in Iraq and any number of things could have happened.

I wish I had an answer for you as to how to be with someone and not get attached.  I think it is the degree of attachment that we need to look at and not the attaching itself.  When you are in a romantic relationship with another person you are going to get attached, but there is healthy attachment and obsessing crazy attachment. 

For me, this time around I don't know.  I don't know if it's that I am still very guarded in the dating process or what.  I have learned to let the walls down after 40 years, but I am still working on boundaries and realizing they are movable.  I have learned and believe that nothing fast ever lasts.  I've spent my life avoiding love and relationships and when I finally broke-WOW what a ride!  Now I'm trying to live somewhere in the middle between WOW what a ride and normal-lol

Take care of you CG.......it will all happen in His time not ours:)

Shelly

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Melissa21


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Carolinagirl

I love to read your posts. I don't think I have ever commented because I don't have any ESH to give you. I think it's great that you post here! You are always so honesty in each of your posts! about the attachment I think I have that problem as well and still abandonment so I haven't let myself get very close to someone since I left my A. I know it's not alanon approved..but was wondering if you have read Codependent No More? I am reading it right now their is a chapter on detachment where they discuss attachment!

Just thought I'd share that with you!

Melissa

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maresie


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Take it really really slowly.

Rejection is part of dating. When I have abandonment issues I pivot into abandonment so I have to parent myself rather than ask others to do it.

Maresie.

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maresie
Jen


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I think the best we can do is to work hard at our program. I know the more I knowmyself and accept myself, the less engulfed I get in other people. I used to NEED someone to distract myself from the me I didn't like. Not so much anymore.

You are beautiful, CG. Thank you for this post today.

In recovery,

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~Jen~

"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Debilyn


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Until we learn to love ourselves,and not "have" to have another to make us feel whole,we will always be afraid and needy.

My esh is we all need to be serene and happy on our own so having another is extra. Sometimes people feel invisible if they do not have someone anyone.

It all takes time, maturity,and knowing what and who we want.  hugs debilyn

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Christy


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CG,

Might as well face it your addicted to love.  hehe, sorry, that song just popped in to my head.

But..the song may not be too far fetched.    Falling fast and hard with immediate attachment is likely from something buried internally and/or unfulfilled. 
I would wonder why I'm convinced it is love within such short periods of knowing them?  Can that possibly even be real?
Maybe a therapist could help uncover the cause. Once you can identify it, then you can work on dealing with it.

Christy





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carolinagirl


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Yes it is like an addiction, a strong drug... that love and affection and approval from someone that I actually want it from. I have no shortage of guys who want me for one thing or another, it's finding ones that I want as well that seems to be the problem and then when I find it... it becomes all consuming and I can't let it go!

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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Assuming the worst...pessamism