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I am having trouble knowing whether I am doing the right thing when it comes to my reactions to my AH's drinking/lying/spending/etc. Before alanon, I used to always need to confront him on whatever he did that was wrong, so that he didn't feel like he was getting away with it, and so that he knew I didn't condone it.
I've learned that is the wrong thing to do, that my anger absolves him of his guilt, or makes him justified in his anger towards me, and makes him drink/spend/lie more, which perpetuates the cycle.
However, now that I am not reacting in anger or confronting him on everything, it just seems like he's getting away with things, and he's happy can be. I thought his own guilt would be punishment enough without me saying a word, but it's like he has no guilt or any idea at all that he's doing anything wrong. He has noticed the change in me and loves it - he says he likes me again because I am no longer nagging. It basically leaves him free to do all this crap without me getting mad.
Am I doing the right thing? Do I just need to keep on doing this and give it more time? When he lies, am I right to just let it go? When I come home to him and he's been drinking - do I interact with him happily as if he hadn't been and not show my disappointment??
Any ESH that might shed some light on this for me would be much appreciated.
I got to a point where I couldn't/wouldn't be around my A's drunken so called happiness. I used our spare bedroom for a place of my own, or I made arrangements with friends to be gone. I was unavailable to him when he was drinking. That may not work for everyone, but it worked for me.
As far as lies..that, for me, depended on what the lies were. Some things are unacceptable whether they are drinking or not.
It was not my job or intention to have a part in the growth of his disease.
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I don't claim to have the "right" answer to this. I just know that my AH lies and lies and lies some more. I am only human and sometimes I flip and scream at him - makes me feel momentarily better but, you are right - it just seems to allow him to justify himself. I find now, in the face of his lies it is more effective to keep calm (even if churning up inside don't let it show), look him straight in the eye and say "I know and you know that isn't true - it's just a great shame it has come to this" (or words to that effect) - then I turn away and close my ears to any other garbage that comes out of his mouth. Sometimes I just look at him, sigh and turn away. He knows then what I am thinking. Cdngirl, I am only sharing with you what I end up doing - it may be totally wrong for you. There isn't a "right" or "wrong" way - just go with what seems to work for you. But remember - You Do Not Deserve This! You are worth more! ((((((hugs)))))))
I don't know that there is a right thing or a wrong thing with an alcoholic. We are human. I know when I detached at first the ex A was very happy. I was no longer obsessing and screaming ans shouting at him. At the same time he missed my obsession with him.
I would really suggest reading Getting them Sober. Toby Rice Drew has some excellent strategies and suggestions that is what they are suggestions rather than maxims.
When it came to the lies, I just started calmly telling my AH "Ok, you just keep telling yourself that, I am not buying it. Period." End of discussion. It let him know I did not believe him, that not amount of convincing was going to make me believe, and that was that. I did not need to get mad.
One thing to remember is that they are not getting away with anything. The disease is still wrecking his life. You and I are not in charge of punishing them. We are not that powerful. They are not children. (Really, they are not!) It is HP or the law who are charged with keeping him in line, not us.
So the need to stay calm and not try to punish and police their behavior is for our sanity. It has nothing to do with them. Policing them drives us crazy. Getting angry with them just feeds their guilt and hatred of themselves, and gives them justification for their unacceptable behavior. It does not help us one wit.
Detaching, learning the tools of the program and learning to set healthy enforceable boundaries is what helps us. And all that takes time and practice. Thats why we speak of working and practicing the program. Its work as we practice and practice the tools we are given, and practice helps us get better and better.
You are on the right track. Just keep coming back.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Thank you so much for all your replies, it helps a lot.
The book, Getting Them Sober - do they generally have this available to buy at meetings, or will I have to order it? I looked at my meeting, and did not see it. I just read the first three chapters online and wow, it looks like it will really help me.
The book by Toby Rice Drews is not Alanon Conference Approved literature, so you won't find at a meeting. Though the book is very good, I feel it important that newcomers learn the workings of Alanon's Steps and Traditions so they can begin the program.
What you will find at a meeting that will be helpful and will inform you of the workings of Alanon are:
How Alanon Works, for families and friends of Alcoholics. Paths to Recovery: Al-Anon's Steps, Traditions and Concepts One Day at a Time in Al-Anon Hope For Today The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage Al-Anons Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions Courage to Change
There are more but these are the ones that came to mind. You will get a newcomers packet with valuable literature at the meeting. Best of all You will find people that understand and give support. It works if you work it!!
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
You do not have to accept unacceptable behavior. Ever. So, if his drinking/spending/lying is effecting you negatively you have every right to set a boundry and stick to it.
I will no longer put up with your drinking. If you want to drink, you will no longer be welcome in this house. Or I will not pick up the phone, or you from a bar...or If I don't feel like I can trust you, I wll have to re-evaluate this relationship.
It's all about you, what you want, need to stay safe. Living with an active A = drinking/lying and a whole host of other "issues". Alanon will help you figure out what you want to do to make your life livable.
I agree with Christy that the best way to start out in this program is with CAL (conference approved literature) and LOTS of meetings. Once the fog begins to clear, everything becomes less confusing.
People who lie are fearful...just my experience and of course that includes my own when I use to do it. This evenings meeting topic was honesty... I do remember the lessons. Actually CDN...you're learning detachment steps good. "Don't React" is a detachment slogan and my best one. Now how's your focus? Is it on where your feet are not his and are you directly under your HP or is your alcoholic still your HP? If he still has the power over you that only happens when you give it over to him. If he is renting most of the space in your head the self focus lessons need more study and practice. Expectations (are future resentments) of him, from him, about him...those have to go...be killed for detachment to blossom. Turning anger into acceptance, fear into faith, judgment into compassion and resentment into forgiveness also makes for great detachment.
He is afraid of you and will lie just as a child will. He's not loving you he's fearing you...too bad on the relationship mostly him. He might also be bumping up against a better value system that tells him he ought not be doing what he's doing because it isn't good for him. Alcoholics are not dumb people trying to get smart; their sick people trying to get well when their bottom rises and kicks their butts and they have nothing or no one to save them any longer. Don't save him and when you find yourself back on the merry-go-round...just step off again.
Jerry, I hadn't thought of it like that before, that makes a lot of sense. You're right, I think my focus is still on him, and I still give him power over me. I don't know how to change that.
I need to get a sponsor, I haven't done that yet. I have a couple books - One Day at a Time and Paths to Recovery and am reading them, but it is not enough.
