The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am going to try to write.. and get all of my feelings out without stopping.
Things here have become bad every day. There is not a night that my h doesn't start an argument over something. Even coming home at 3 p.m, he drinks so fast he is stewed by 5. By stewed, I don't mean falling down or very visibly drunk to an average person, but a look comes over his eyes and his personality changes from a laid back caring man who talks and can look at both sides of a subject and expresses his love and seems to show some regret for the past 24 hours behavior in his expressions... to a bitter man. One who makes nasty remarks to the daycare kids, snaps at our 11 yr old son and twists words around about anything!
Dinner is usually strained due to the every night fiasco over what to watch on t.v. We like the opposite of what he likes. He believes we all should watch things together. My son gets ragged on if he chooses to go up in his room after dinner or go play. I get ragged on if I get up to switch laundry tubs, feed the dog or do dishes.
We take turns as to who gets their choice of tv, but it is like dealing with a 5 yr old, pouting and slamming his bedroom door . he wants me to call and order a third DVR box for the bedroom so every night he can sit in there and watch alone. We cannot afford the bill we have now.
Weekends are worse. More time to drink. Our only reprieve is when he is playing at the church.
he is also starting a band with a few guys from the church on the outside. This would be great if he continues but I know he could at any minute drop them and although he should look like the fool, he won't. I will be the embarrassed one.
He lies to people about why he backs out on things and uses me as an excuse. I have found out later he has said I was sick, I wouldn't let him go, and all kinds of xxxx.
Our son has become somewhat quiet, reserved and appears at times to be angry with his dad. This is very evident to his dad, and only bites him in the butt if he is honest. His dad threatens to take his tv and X box out of his room, not allow him up there, and all kinds of ridiculous xxxx.
If I argue for my son he will turn on me.
We keep our mouths shut and either one or both of us cry quietly.
Both of us r going to the counsleor.
it helps.
I have told him there is nothing left between us.. at times I do not love him.. I have told him how he hurts me and is driving a wedge between his son and himself. he admits he is reliving what his dad did to him, but despite the help he is offered, phone numbers etc, he does nothing but the same thing each day.
I am suffering hugely financially and can hardly keep up the bills each month on my income and $200- $300 a week he begrudgingly gives me.
When we talk, he tells me he is going to do different, woo me again, etc. he doesn't happen.
he has absolutely no money either.
I wake up each morning feeling as though I should be doing something different.
I know it is the disease
I know this is the cycle that is progressive.
It would almost be easier if I was not the sole owner of this home and could go get an apt, and take our son and work it that way, but having the house and being the stable one is both good and bad.
he has nowhere to go if I tell him to leave.
Things will get a lot worse before they get better and I don't think I can deal with that.
I am keeping up a life insurance policy on him and doing this life one day at a time.
Am I being a bad mother?
-- Edited by canadianguy on Tuesday 27th of October 2009 10:04:06 AM
Angel.. Welcome. You have come to the right place. I could have written your exact post. It is SCARY how similar our husbands are, right down to all the TV control issues and wanting a TV PVR box for our bedroom so that he can retreat up there to numb his mind and feelings with TV while leaving me to raise the kids, handle the housework and live our lives. He fights with my 3 and 6 year old over the TV at night, and he (of course) always wins, because he is the biggets kid who can yell the loudest. So he watches Trailer Park Boys (scenes with drugs/alcohol/swearing etc.. Basically a spoof on the 'white trash' trailer park) and other equally inapproprite shows with my 3 and 6 year old in the same room. They are too young to go up to their rooms in our big old creaky farm house, and so they do their best to play quietly around him, which usually results in him yelling at them to be quite, and so they just watch the TV. My husband alternates between a horrible dry drunk and an active drinker, depending on the day/week. He is short with the kids, and I do get caught up in sticking up for them, which then results in him lashing out at me.
I don't have any advice to offer, as I am currently wondering what to do as well. It is hard to detach and walk away from an arguement when there is no where else to go in the house and you can't leave the house because you have 2 small children that need to be in their own home, eating a healthy dinner and going to bed at a reasonable hour. What I do know is that reading posts on this board and going to FTF meetings is slowly helping me. I have come to realize that I WILL be just fine without him, and have begun to take steps to make it easier to leave if that is what I decide to do. So far, for just today, I have decided to stay and try and make it work by using detachment and repeating over and over in my head that it is not him talking, it is his disease. I have talked to my kids about Daddy being 'sick' and part of his sickness is that he gets angry about silly things. I have told them that it is not their fault, and the they are good kids. I do my best to be their calm in the storm.
Who knows what tomorrow will bring, but I have come to learn that I am strong enough to handle it, and that my HP has plans for me that I just don't know about yet. I have seem many people on this board how have taken the big leap and left their AH, and achieved some positive benefits. That gives me Hope and strength.
Welcome to MIP... nope, you're not a bad mother - not in the least.... living with an active alcoholic is difficult - too much for most of us to handle on our own.... Finding a recovery plan for you (and your son) is huge right now..... Al-Anon is the most available option, and I'd encourage you to seek out meetings....
Your hubby's actions are stereotypical alcoholic behavior.....
"He will either drink, or he won't... what are YOU gonna do?"
Choose recovery....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Ditto to Tom's reply. Read, read, read here and you will know you are in the right place and far from alone. I have a counselor who specializes in addictions and she has been such a help. Keep reaching out and learning.
Your help and your answers can be found in the rooms of Al-Anon like millions of others worldwide. There you will meet people and hear others stories much like your own. They have walked in your shoes, they will understand what you are going through. You will find a new family there who understands and cares about you, just like the members of MIP. Read all you can on the subject, come back here and post. That will help you more than you can imagine, but nothing can replace Face to face Al-Anon meetings. You will never regret it I promise.
Wow, I'm sorry... It sounds like you are going through a lot. Don't get down on yourself, you're doing the best you can considering the situation. I think all of us have been through something very similar. I remember when I left my A. I also when I kicked the one before that out with nowhere to go. It's hard. It's never easy but it's life. You'll make the next right choice for you and your son. Your A is a big boy, he can make the next right choice for him. I hope you keep coming back and get to a face to face meeting, it really does help!
The Journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. Alanon's first step is "we admitted we are powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable".
It sounds like you surely understand step one..On to step two!!! Please find a local meeting for support and tools to cope with what is happening in your life. There's no better free therapy :)
Chrsity
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
It struck me that you say you feel like you should be doing something different. In Al-Anon we say that "if nothing changes, nothing changes".
We also suggest that you try at least 6 meetings before deciding if al-anon is for you, and don't do anything life changing for at least 6 months. This is to give you time to get a bit of serenity so that you can make better decisions. I know when I was feeling like you are now, I could not make really sound decisions.
You are on the right track. Keep coming back.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
