The Ex AH is still on the couch and he has been a help around the house.  It has created some conflict with the kids to have him back around and in a position to tell them what to do.  They don't like having another adult to answer to, especially considering he's there and I'm gone so much.  The pretty much had the run of the roost before he showed up (especially the oldest).  It's ironic to me how much she complains about having to have the responsibility of watching her brother and sister all the time but then when she gets some relief she complains about losing the power that came with that.  LOL  I'm hoping that this will give her the opportunity to be able to go spend time with her friends and do things she wants to do and be a kid for a while.  She was going to have to stay home on halloween and watch them and now she can go with friends and have fun.   I have to remember to point out the positives that she is receiving from him being there.

I was afraid at first that I would have feelings for him again or that they would resurface but I have actually found that the more I am around him the more I feel that I did the right thing and that I don't want a relationship with him.  He gets on my nerves.  I see him in a different light now.  I have changed so much and he has kind of stood still where he was.  I am looking for something different in my life now and he doesn't fit that picture in my mind.  We can be friends and be friendly but I know I don't want that anymore.  He has some girl in California that he has convinced to come visit him here.  Another ex girlfriend, he just got back from going to stay with another one and that worked out poorly for him.  I see him following the same pattern, looking for someone to save him from himself.  I think how can get get these girls to come across the country and I can't even get a date to show up LOL.  I feel now that I wish the best for him but he makes poor choices over and over and I don't want to be the one who is responsible for him again.  He has been a help though, cleaning and cooking and watching the kids.  I don't want to get lazy and slide into that dependent role again but it is nice to have a break.

I started my master's program last weekend.  This is going to be so much work and it's hard because I have to get up every morning at 6 something so this means this time I have 10 days of no days off to do what I want.  In a way it's good timing that he's here now because I am not able to keep up with everything as it is.  I'm hoping as I get more into the program I can schedule my time better and be ok with this.  Two years is a very long time to commit to giving up every other weekend.  I feel fortunate that I have the job I do and that my kids are at an age that I can go every other weekend and they'll be ok.  Sometimes I get really excited about life and the mystery of what is in store for me.  I have had so many things happen to and for me that I never would have imagined were possible and it reminds me that I never can be sure of what's coming around the corner and in a way that's very exciting.  I enjoy the thrill of the new experience and the not knowing.  Anything can happen.  So many times I'm so afraid of the unknown but lately I relish in it.  Maybe things I don't want to happen have happened but on the other hand I don't know what is in store, those things could be remedied in the future, who can say?  I am learning slowly to go with the flow of life and see where it takes me instead of fighting against the raging river and trying to swim upstream.