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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> I am new-introducing myself...
Post Info TOPIC: I am new-introducing myself...
hopeful923


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I am new-introducing myself...
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I am new to all of this....I would like to share my story as to why I am here....

I am 24 years old and have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. Yep, we started dating when I was 18 (he was 21). We have a 2 year old daughter together.

My boyfriend has a problem with alcohol...I don't know if he is definitely an alcoholic but there is a for sure problem with alcohol. We were young when we started dating and we drank all the time when we hung out. That was the age. I was a little concerned about his drinking as the years went on but I figured he would grow out of it "it's the age to drink. whatever!" I remember a few things....on his 22nd birthday he got so trashed. We were sitting on the back patio of a restaurant with some friends and he passed out in the chair and fell to the ground. He had to be carried home he was so drunk. Then a couple years later he was out one night, super drunk, and wrecked his car. At this time he had 2 previous run-ins with the law for drinking and driving. He called me and had this elaborate story about someone stealing his keys and wrecking his car when he was the one who actually wrecked his car...drunk. Then one year for Thanksgiving, his sister and I were trying to wake him so we could go to the airport. We were going to Pennsylvania (where his family is from) for Thanksgiving. He got so drunk the night before we had such a hard time waking him the next morning to catch our flight. His sister was trying to wake him and he ended up pushing her away. This was weird because that is soo not like him. Sober...he is super sweet and caring. So smart and funny. Him and his sister were best friends and for him to push her was scary.
I have stories like this over the years but I just figured he would grow out of it.
Then I found out I was pregnant...I was so scared. I had just turned 21...I wasn't ready for a baby. But, I just couldn't bring myself to have an abortion. So, we were having a baby! I thought that me getting pregnant would get my boyfriend to clean up his act and grow up. Nope.
I just recently put my foot down with the drinking (actually this past monday). I have said before that the drinking bothers me and that if this continues I don't know if I can stay with him. But, this time I was SERIOUS. I created a list of all the things he has done involving alcohol since our daughter has been born (the last 2 years). The list was 4 pages long. I believe it was a total of 11 incidents. A few of them were him getting drunk and not coming home...not even calling to say he wasn't coming home. After our daughter had outpatient-surgery one day he cracked a beer as soon as we got home...around noon. He said it was a "stressful" morning. He proceeded to get wasted and ended up passing out drunk around 4/5 pm. The last straw was him driving drunk the weekend of our daughter's 2nd birthday. We had his parents and sister in town for the celebration and he got so drunk the night before he drove the car drunk to go and buy cigarettes. He drinks pretty frequently at home by himself and when he is with others he binge drinks. He doesn't think he has a problem. He has an excuse and justification for everything. "I like beer. That's why I drink it. I have a few beers before bed because I can't sleep and it helps me sleep. I wouldn't call it a problem, I would call it a hobby." And they go on and on. I would consider him a functioning alcoholic. He has had a steady job for 4 years now. He's not abusive to me or my daughter at all. Because of these things he doesn't think he has a problem.
As I said above I put my foot down recently. I talked with him and told him that he needs to get help or I have to move on with my life...without him. After a few days of him staying at a friends house and us talking. The first talk wasn't very succesful. He had excuse after excuse. He said he didn't want to go to treatment because he didn't want to be "labeled an alcoholic in his family's eyes". He wouldn't even go to couples therapy with me. He doesn't believe in therapy. After he read that list I created he said "After I read that list I thought wow, what else could she have been doing instead of creating that list." Basically saying that I wasted a bunch of time and could have been more productive around the house. He says that I spend "too much time stressing about his drinking when, again, I could be more productive around the house."
I told him the next day that I gave him a choice to make. He can either choose to be a part of this family by getting help for his drinking or choose the alcohol. He chose not to get help for his drinking so I am moving on. He quickly responded and said "I am not going to lose you. I'll do whatever you want. Whatever you want me to do I'll do it. I am not an idiot, I am not going to lose you".
I know I am not crazy. He has a drinking problem and he can't fix it on his own. He's tried. I have had enough. I want to be happy, I want to enjoy my life, I want to give my daughter the best possible life she can have. That is why I put my foot down. I am sick and tired of being angry and upset all the time. I am sick of being hurt. I am tooo young to be this miserable with my life. So I guess the next steps are for me to go to al-anon and for him to go to AA. I thought about having him go to an outpatient treatment center but 1) it's expensive and 2) I don't know if he necessarily needs it. I think he should go to AA and then he and I could go to couples therapy with someone who specializes in substance abuse/addiction. He could also meet with this therapist one on one.
I guess writing this I am just looking for support. This is so hard and I really don't know how to deal with all of this. I just want to be happy. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Sorry it's so long! lol. I had to get this all off my chest....



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stillkickin


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Hello and welcome to Al-anon and MIP. You have taken a huge step in the right direction by reaching out for help for yourself. This program is for you, to help you learn to cope, and to live...whether or not your b/f is drinking or not. It is also nice to see more members my age here too!

stillkickin

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hotrod


~*Service Worker*~

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Hello Hopeful,


I would like to thank you for sharing your story and welcome you to MIP.  You have a clear understanding of the issues alcohol have brought into your life. 

In  Alanon I found that:
Alcoholism is a cunning, baffling disease.
I did not cause it
I cannot control it
I cannot cure it
Alcoholism is a Family disease.  Those living with the alcoholic need alanon to help recover from the devastating effects of this disease.

Alanon face to face meetings, using the tools of the program, such as the steps, sponsor, sharing with us will HELP YOU recover from the many years of living with the disease.  Alanon tools work even if the alcoholic refuses to attend AA or stop drinking  

Help with finding local meetings near where you live may be found at the following web site:            http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon

Online meetings are held in the Al-Anon chat room associated with this site.

From the board click on Al-Anon Group Meeting/Chat Room in the yellow box in upper left of the page.  After clicking on the link please be patient, sometimes it takes a while for the window to open.

Please keep coming back



-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 25th of October 2009 03:44:12 PM

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
Christy


~*Service Worker*~

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Hi hopeful  :)

Boy!  Can I relate to all those excuses!  It's called denial, big time.  You made a list, I just spouted off all my husband's wrongs.  He said I was obsessed with keeping track of what he did wrong.  He was right too.  But in saying that he was doing what he did best.  He was taking the focus off of him and putting it on me...hinting that "I" was the only one with a problem.

That being said..they are also under the impression that their BS has worked for them.  Why?, even though it's obvious to everyone else it's not working.  Because they have gotten away with it all this time (in their mind) so they continue to do whatever keeps the disease alive and protected.

I'm sure he truly does not want to lose you, but don't count on his words of recovery as being fact.  He means it when he says it, and Lord knows we want to believe them, but rarely do they recover at someone elses ultimatum.  We say in Alanon, watch their actions, don't listen to the words.

It seems he has excuses for every avenue of recovery, AA, rehab, therapy.  Don't be surprised if he comes back from AA saying "he's not like them" or some other excuse.
We often want it to work so badly that we are blind to what is really happening.

If you do set a boundary for yourself, be sure you can follow through.  Once a boundary is crossed it, and future boundaries become pretty much useless.

Keep coming back
Christy


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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them.  And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
sdisnie


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Your so smart to be on here so young.....I have lived a rollercoaster life with an alcoholic....

My husband and I met in highschool when we were 17...everyone partied and drank, and after we had our son after graduation when we were 18, we moved in together and the drinking continued.  We had our second son at 22 and then his binging started.  He'd be gone a week at a time, missing work and drinking non stop.  We are both 37 now, this cycle has repeated itself over and over and over all these years we've been together.  When he gets sober, he'll stay that way for a few months...but he always falls back into old habits and repeats the cycle.  We had two more kids.  I was young and dumb and uneducated on alcohlism, so i thought having more kids would make him stop.  I've done and tried everything, and he would never stop long enough.  It would be good for months, and we have had a lot of good memories...but there's so much he has missed out on and I've been in such a cycle of abuse/neglect that I dont even know whats normal anymore

Our oldest son graduated this spring, and I have been going to therapy, and a lot has happened over the last year, and I believe that he saw in me that I was really not going to enable his drinking and binging much longer......two months ago he went on a binge that lasted a week...it was drama and craziness all week long...for whatever stupid reason, at the end of 5 days, i agreed to help sober him up, like I had a million times before...stayed up all night trying, it was hell, and the next day when i had to leave to take my son to school..for the 20 min i was gone, he ran to the liquor store and all the progress i had made over night, was gone as he drank an entire bottle of vodka.  I took the other kids and left him at home, this was the first time i'd ever done this...just left, I knew I couldn't do it anymore.

To try to make a long story short...he called this girl...his boss's wife's sister...she picked him up, she sobered him up over the weekend...he's been living with her since.  Its been a nightmare since then.  They both are crazy, they both drink everyday...he went on a binge and didn't go to work for another whole week, and she again sobered him up after he drank for 7 days.  I'm not sure what she's in it for, she's been harrassing me, and at this point, my only concern is my kids, and keeping them safe from the hell that he is and has caused.  I filed for divorce, something I never thought I'd ever do...  We've been together for 20 years...it makes me sad to thro it all away...but i kept a journal and looking back over all the things he's done...I'm shocked that I lived through it all for so many years and I wonder if I threw my life away waiting for him to get his crap together...when he never has, and maybe never will.

So basically, what i'm saying to you...is take it from me.  I've waited 20 years for him to stop the nonsense, and it didn't matter what I did, or even what he did, he'd try for awhile, but it would never last.  Its such a sad and terrible disease, and what I put myself and my kids through is just terrible.  We all deserve to be happy and live normal lives, and living with an alcoholic...there's nothing normal about it.  Its a constant cycle of hoping and praying they will get help, but its all in their hands...nobody else's.......
Let me know if you ever need to talk



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hopeful923


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Thank you all so much. Hearing what you have to say makes my situation make more sense I guess. Makes me feel like I am not alone and I am not crazy! Like he may think I am. lol.

Since I let him come home he hasn't been drinking at all (as far as I know). He went to a friend's house yesterday to watch some football. I didn't want him going to this friend's house because this guy is clearly an alcoholic. All our friends know he's a drunk. So I worried about my boyfriend being around him. My boyfriend came home a couple hours later and wasn't drunk. I was relieved. He needs a whole new group of friends. All his friends drink and party. In order for him to get sober and stay sober he needs to be around people who don't revolve their lives around drinking like he has done for so many years. I started talking to him last night about couples therapy. I told him the therapist specializes in relationships and substance abuse/addiction. He let out a big sigh and said "I guess I'll give it a try." Then we were interrupted by our daughter. We were supposed to finish our conversation tonight after dinner. I wanted to tell him that I also want him to go to AA. Well we got into a fight today about some other stuff. I can't talk to him about ANYTHING! ANYTHING! Of course talking to him about his drinking is hard but we can't talk about anything without him getting upset and attacking me about something. So I have decided that I am not going to finish our conversation tonight (about having him to go AA also) I am scheduling the therapy appointment and we can talk about it there. We need to work on so many things. Mainly the drinking. Our whole relationship is a mess right now. ugh.

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