The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I keep reading and reading, recognising, recognising, understand what role alcohol has played in my life with my STBEXAH and how it affected both his actions and mine. I am slowing moving away from the terrible hurt this has all caused me, whilst he wafted into the sunset, set up home with a new woman within weeks and left me to pick up the pieces, which to some degree I still am...I just got in touch with my step daughter this week...she had sent a message on facebook in July, but I had never been on. I let her know how much i still cared and feel by her response she is happy not to be forgotten but 10 months is a long time in the life of an 11/12 year old. But this morning, I just had the worst nightmare about my X, I woke myself up and it is still with me hours later..the pain, the betrayal, the anger, all of it was so so strong in my dream and I kept getting added layers of pain as the dream went on... I woke up exhausted and almost traumatised by the strength of feeling...I wish I had a button I could just switch off....I need this to be over for me...my life to feel complete and not to care what he is doing, where he is, how I havent had any closure and yet have not engaged with him since he left. No contact....In that I have remained strong...Just wanted to write this down...thank you for listening..Lilly Burn.
Ugh... yes, those dreams and flashbacks are awful. I sometimes find myself in a daydream (especially when driving) and then suddenly find myself spiraling down. During those times I must make a conscious decision to take my mind somewhere else, anywhere else, but there. It's been almost 2.5 years, and though they still occur (and its a doozy when they do) the frequency is less and I can get myself out a little easier.
My exAH started a new life (or I should say continues with the life he started while we were still married) with someone else in our town. They live a short ways away. He moved his A g/f and her 2 kids in, and is working fervently to create a "Brady Bunch" as they work on their sobriety together. He is a much better father to our kids and appears to be more available as a partner. It stinks. We have three kids, so we have a lot of contact, and I must make a daily effort to keep it simple and not get engaged in any type of negative exchange. Its a lot of work, but worth it, for it is so very easy for the toxicity to creep back in and have the little bit of serenity I have worked so hard for, just crumble.
Keep at it, Lilly. I'm glad you got in contact with your step-daughter and are refraining from contacting your ex. It is difficult not to have closure. I still feel so very undone, and am slowly learning to accept it and realize that I still have a long life ahead of me and that it still may happen when the time is right. The truth is, that any attempts at closure with my A who is still quite sick (sober or not) would be fruitless and would just add to my resentments and make me feel more undone. The freedom it would bring is a fantasy for me right now. Maybe someday...
Assuming my exA's life is grand and happy now that he is "free", sober, and starting a "family" with someone else, is an illusion on my part. I put the man on a pedestal as I denied who he really was and what we had, and I am slowly cutting it down to its proper size. Seeing his life is good now and assuming that he and his A g/f must be exceptions to all the A's out there, is how I keep beating myself up and how the disease has gripped its claws in me. Truth is, he took himself with him and added someone who is equally sick. Bleck.
Hang in there. I'm glad you posted. It was good for me to write it out too.
Your are strong and you are worthy.
Blessings, Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness on Saturday 24th of October 2009 10:16:47 AM
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Oh thankyou loupiness....Ive just been for a long walk with my lurcher, very windy and leaves blowing, so it cleared my head a bit..just feel a bit down and inexplicably tired...Its such a long haul but you are so right..we have lots of life to live yet. It just seems so unfair that the person who brings such chaos, seems to be able to rebuild their lives in an instant. Perhaps they simply dont have the capacity to have the normal feelings that go with the loss of a relationship, whomsoever ends it.....Thank you again...Lillyxx
My S-ESTRANGED-AH came by today to take OUR mattress. Seems a futon is good enough for me. It does seem like they can just move on and never feel sad or devastated like we do. Or is he just hiding it? I knew he covered up the bad feelings before with alcohol, but how does he still cover them? Or is he heartless? Says he is NOT leaving me but needs to be by himself in an apartment to keep working on his sobriety. When does the work on our marriage that has been so strained by this disease come into play? Wake up from bad dreams with a pounding heart yet no memory of the dreams details.
Hi Crispin , everytime I hear of a alcoholic doing that to his family I could scream , had my husb done that to me I probably would have killed him on the spot . Kidding of course . How can u work on a relationship if one of you is out of the house ? I was told we got sick to gether , we get well together thank God for agood sponsor . I was also told that an alcoholic h asnt a hope in hell of staying sober going home to an old Idea - then I was told that I was the old Idea . sheeeeesh . Today I know that everyone has to change not just the alcoholic , we had a part in this mess and I had to learn to do things differently . i didn't know how to change or what I had to change , later figured out that change ment Everything had to change , my attitude , the way I thought and do things ,especially my thinking . I gave my husb all the space he needed to recover and I went to my meetings for me . Sobriety is not easy for either of us but we did it by minding our own business and work ing our separate programs , we too separated before he got to AA and that was the best thing he did for us , In that six months I found out that I was going to be okay with out him , that I loved him , missed him but that I could live with out him , and in that time he came to realize that he wanted to be in our home and became willing to do what he had to do to be here = which for me was AA and sober . Use this time alone to get to lots of f2f meetings go for yourself . Learn all u can about this disease and how it has affected your life . Hopefully he will find his miracle while you get busy and find yours. Yours is to figure out who u want to be and work towards that goal . Al-Anon will get u there . Neither of our programs promises to save our marriages but both promise to return sanity to our lives . Good luck get the focus on you and your gonna be just fine . Louise
I too had those nightmares. Sometimes I still do. What I have to remind myself is that they are in the past. He's at peace now and in no more pain. So in one way for me, it's easier. When he was still alive and I had those dreams it would shake me to my very core. I can remember getting up, turning on the computer and going into the chat room. My family would reassure me that all was well. The dreams passed.
Once in a while I find myself rethinking those awful times. Why? It might be a gut check to remind me that I survived and I can continue to survive and thrive. I force myself to refocus on the good times or change my focus. I go back and use an old trick that I used when he was alive and drinking heavuily. It seemed as though I could never get the focus off of him or the negative thinking. I would work a really hard crossword or puzzle. Or I would take a really complicated recipe and try that out. It's the trick of getting busy and taking the focus off the A. Sure enough, time passed and I got through it. You're doing fine. Recovery comes in baby steps. Just be gentle with yourself. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
-- Edited by Karilynn on Sunday 25th of October 2009 11:05:59 AM
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Kidding of course . How can u work on a relationship if one of you is out of the house ? I was told we got sick to gether , we get well together thank God for agood sponsor . 