ive only been a member here for like..24 hrs, and this is my third post. im an avid blogger, so maybe it just comes naturally.

today sucked. i wanted to join the chat today, but i cant open that page because my browser hates it. i went through trouble shooting, i upgaded all my java, browser and whatever else i could think of. nothing worked. i went to my mothers to try and catch the end of it only to find out she password blocked all her computers. she wouldnt tell me why other than, 'because i wanted to.'  she never was good at being upfront and telling me ANYTHING. its always a hassle to get her to say what she wants to say. i dont know why she is like this. what bothers me is that she and my dad talked about putting the passwords on, and they talked about why they wanted to, but they wont tell me. i never gave them any reason to think id snoop, download porn or give their computer a virus. in fact, i have spent endless amounts of time cleaning up THEIR messes, because they are quite illiterate to computers. i guess it just offended me and insulted me and it came out of no where.

i really needed to join group today. and despite all my efforts, i couldnt. i dont have anyone to talk to here, all i have is this and already its crumbling. i dont go anywhere, all i do all day is the mundane house hold chores because its all there is to do. im going with my husband tomorrow to his first AA meeting. he has been reading on other sites the testimonies of other al-anon members and he was just floored at the impact this disease has on loved ones. he is eager to get this part of his life past him, and im thankful for that.

i just wish i wasnt so alone. is this how people get addicted to the internet, i wonder? poor souls trying to reach out to anyone and anything and the internet is the only social network anyone has time for it seems. its all quite pathetic. i know that statement is a judgment statement, but its what i feel so ill go with it.

ive been through therapy, NA, DBT and CBT, and i always hear the same thing, 'you pick up on this stuff so fast!' ....when they give me something to do, or they teach me something new about myself, i notice i accept it immediately. i know the stuff works, so why argue and deny the stuff you are trying to learn?  i watched other people in these groups argue things because it doesnt set well with their subscribed logic. i dont understand why people do that. it obvious your line of thinking isnt working or you wouldnt be here. why does it take people years to get this stuff? they say a life time of thinking trends cant be fixed over night, it takes a long time to reprogram your brain. im starting to think my disorder (borderline personality) is a blessing when it comes to this stuff. my values are never written in stone, and are subject to change due to the circumstance. my morals are the same. ive been a vegetarian, a lesbian, a republican, a democrat,  against guns, for guns, a dog lover then a cat lover, ive been many different types of people in my life. and to be honest...i dont mind it that much. it would help if my personality was stable enough to fixate on a career, but my interests are broad and wide and because of that i retain information like a sponge, any information given to me i keep in my file cabinet of a brain and it stays there. there is a problem that comes with all of this though, i dont know what ill be like a couple years from now. will i still want to be married? i worry sometimes that ill become a person who doesnt believe in marriage, and as crazy as that sounds, thats how this disorder works.
what we borderlines do is we concentrate on what we call our 'constants'. the things in our life that dont change through the years. one of my major constants is art. i paint, draw, play music, act, write i do it all. and always have. another constant is my regard for human life and human equality. ive always felt that life is precious and that every man woman and child should be equal. and i like video games. it seems insignificant, but to someone who only has three things about themselves that stay the same, its everything.

but i digress..

i suppose the point of this thread is to just talk. because i havent been able to for a long time. im sorry this is so long and im going off about myself....wait..i think thats the reason for this site..so never mind about that. im sorry its so long.

i guess i should try and find another site to at least get a group chat going. thanks for reading and have a fabulous weekend, folks. later.