The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ok... well First I want to say that THANK YOU to all of you for leaving me ESH.. I have went back SEVERAL times all week and used all your words as inspiration to get me thru this Very Tring Week...
Since I last wrote 4 days ago... Alot has went on... Not only did the gentleman I mentioned in my last post pass away, since then (4) More people in the last 3 days that I have had "Some" connection to... (1) was the son of one of our customers, and the other 3 were in a car crash and the boy "One Year" Younger then my son, went to school with my son, and his mom & Aunt was related to my Step Father.... So Everything has just been Sir Real... I have not had time to breathe...
After the BAD experience with the excersizing the other day, I got it in my head, I am NOT doin it for the men in my house, I am doin it for ME... So I have walked out the last 4 nights, and flat out told them "Do Not Walk in the Room, Do Not Call Me Unless the House is on Fire, Do Not Call my Name till I return from my (1) hour Of ME TIME" ... Well the first night, they had to test the waters but since then it has been quite vigorating for me... I think mainly because I "Stood Up for ME"... And did not allow their thoughts to deeter Mine...
My son come home today after hearing of this young child and he was upset, that it happened but he has also processed LOSS with all that I have been thru with my Deceased Afather...So he just wanted to sit and talk about it for a while.... So we did... I think just knowing that I am "That" person to him, helps me be ok with NOT having "That" person in my past... I could not have got there without all of you tho... I have really opened my minds to the inner me...Some bad, Some Good...
I have decided, that I am gettin back on Program, I am getting back to my Strength to survive... I have so many things to be grateful for, and Welp... If that means flyin by my mom's on thanksgiving and throwin some pumpkin pie in the door and going to my DIL, well then that is what I will do... I guess it could be worse, and I was Very selfish when it comes to my reasoning, of WHY I didnt want to... One being that I didn't want to see my siblings that seem to forgot about my "Afather", passing on Thanksgiving, nor do they seem to care, that I am still greiving, but then again... That is MY Problem not theirs... & I didn't want to face my ABrother because it is like lookin into the Eyes of my Afather, EVERY time I look at him.... So... These are my selfishiness, these are my issues... So I am handing them over to God, ALL OF THEM... Each & Everyone of them...
After lockin myself in my room, and excersing for ME:) tonight...I then spent a little time with HP, and it has sooooo Improved my evenning... I now feel like I can stand up & be me... Even now, with my Husband "blow sackin" in my ear "about nothin"when he can "SEE" me typin I am still Handing him over to God, and turnin a Deaf ear, to the fact that he has moments of No Respect...That is HIS Issue not mine...
I am one I give respect when it is recieved, and welp.. I'm goin back to that person... I liked her ALOT... And Frankly I Miss her :) So.. I am Very Slowly Pullin myself up out of yet another "Pot hole" that I have managed to trip into... So... Claws out, I'm Slowly Baby steppin my way...
HOWEVER... Lovin ALL of you like I do... I would love nothing more then your usual PUSH... So ESH where you see I could use some help... I am so grateful to have a place to "Recover" weather it be self Inflicted... Or Otherwise... This journey is something I DO Cherish... Somedays, I just get lopsided... Monday was one of those Days... Thanks for all that was there for me...
So very good to see you back and posting. You are right "Sharing" is a great recovery tool.
It sounds as if you have picked up your: " Focus on Jozie AlAnon Tool."
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I loved how you drew your exercise boundary, stuck to it and did not abandon yourself regardless of the actions of others. Great program. Taking time to include your mediation period at the end of your exercise was very wise.
You are right we cannot forget to take care of ourselves. We have the tools but we must use them every day. I am glad you are on your way back out of the black hole.
I am sorry for all the tragedy in your family this past year. Be gentle with yourself and your son and hubby during the holiday season. Do what you need to keep your serenity. Welp like you said " Even topping off and throwing a pie into mom's house and running away to your DIL would work fine"
I am happy that your son feels he can be heard by MOM. That is a wonderful gift to you.
(((((Jozie)))))...Aloha and I just like the picture you painted here. Yowzers!!
ESH? For me when I got thru with the recovery lessons it was Practice, Practice Practice. Meetings, literature, HP, Sponsor, steps, traditions, slogans...Practice!!
I cannot even conceive of having a family holiday ever again. I endured them for years. They are simply not on my agenda anymore. I don't call it selfish I call is survival and living.
