The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As I said a while back my ex AH was coming back to town this week. He found a place on Craigslist to share with someone and was all set to rent it. It would have left him completely broke (which I know is not my problem)... The guy renting the place appeared to have a serious drinking problem and the place was a dive. So we went by the bank and cashed his money order and I checked my account and saw I have $200 to last the rest of the month and have to pay $130 for daycare. He had asked if he could stay with me several times and I always was very firm that he couldn't.
I suddenly started thinking that maybe it was the right thing to do. I needed the money, he needed a better place to stay where he could keep a few dollars to look for a job, the kids needed another adult in the house at the moment. So my mind was churning imagining all the possibilities of how this could turn out if I decided to let him stay. He could be a help, another adult, someone to actually be there when I tell my 15 year old she can't go anywhere but I'm not going to be home. He could help me with the cooking and cleaning and upkeep not to mention the money that I'm short this month. The kids would have someone else who cared about them giving them attention. I have been alone with them for 3 years with no real breaks. It hasn't been fair to me or to the oldest who has become like the other adult in the house. I started seeing some benefits to it, I wanted him to be in this area and figured if he had a good start he might make it. I don't know how it will go. All I know is... I can't control him or his choices, if it benefits me and the kids and is a positive thing then there's no harm and I decided to let him stay.
So now I'm just going to see where this ride takes me. I have told him that he MUST be out by the end of NOV. So he has to find a job, save some money, find a place and move on in about a month. I am nervous that I'm doing the wrong thing but it seemed right at the time and so far has gone ok. I feel almost like I am challenging myself to see how strong I am. To see how my boundaries will work for me and if I can maintain them. Hopefully this was the next right thing because it seemed so at the time.
Since you want him out by the end of Nov., I would just suggest that you watch your expectations. Getting a job, that he still has yet to find, waiting two weeks for his first check, and saving up enough to find somewhere to live, let alone the time it takes to find a place... seems like a tall order for anyone..
Luck to both of you...
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Aloha CC...I was reading a share in AA's Grapevine monthly magazine this morning from an A son with a Mom in Al-Anon and a Father in AA. They let him back in the house with conditions. 1. Don't drink 2. Get a home group in AA and 3. get a sponsor and use him. Even the entire community wants conditions for the alcoholic. It is good and it is proper. You have your motives for making your decisions and as I was taught...consider the consequences before making the decision. I also learned never make a decision in the presence of fear and always make a difficult decision with input from my sponsor and higher power which can take the form of my home group. If he is not in recovery now how much recovery and luck do you have? In support. (((((hugs)))))
After I left the ex A I let him back in my life with the idea he might get it together. He did not. He careered downward. Expectations are everything. If I expect nothing and boundary up I am doing alright. If I expect something that someone isn't able to give I am setting myself up for resentment and I know where that leads.
I guess if it were me, the reason I would not ever go back is because of the kids. Sure, I am lonely, it is hard, my kids have more responsibility than most kids. But I could not ever feel ok with them thinking they could count on their father and then have him break their hearts again.
Consistency is what has helped me and my kids heal. I never want to live in the chaos again, or subject my kids to it, even when it is their own father who brings it.
But, I hope and pray that this works out to be a really positive decision for all of you. We never know what or who is going to be the catalist for change.
It seems you have thought out all the benefits to you and your kids,but have you thought about any of the consequences? The harm that may be done.Might not be worth the benefits of a few extra dollars and some time to yourself.
I like the idea of basing his stay on action, not words or a timeline. Combine Jerry's listed boundaries (no drinking, AA, sponsor) with yours (actively looking for a job, helping around house, financial responsibility) and it may make it more safe for you if it doesn't work. He is coming into your territory, and from all you have shared, there isn't any room for him to catch a free ride. Maybe it would even be appropriate to put your boundaries in writing and share them with the kids. That way, he can be responsible for making the stay work.
I hope it all goes well. My personal wish for you is that you continue to grow in your recovery, and don't get sucked up into the craziness again. You've come a long way, my dear, and you never, ever have to go there again.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Well, I have said in front of him... he will do what he's going to do. He knows his timeline, if he chooses to waste his time being stupid and the end of November comes around then the consequences are on him. So far so good. He has been cleaning, looking for work etc. but we are just at the beginning of the road. I think my biggest issue with him is that he wants to be the kids' friend and not their dad - maybe because he hasn't seen them much in the past few years. At the same time... he talks about how they're being neglected... ya well there's 3 of them and ONE of me and I am working and going to school. I like to say.. ok I'll leave and you can deal with EVERYTHING for the NEXT 3 years... It's easy to judge others when you are NOT the one who is being responsible. My house may be a mess and the kids may be a little out of hand but I have kept a very nice roof over their heads for the past three years with no help from him. I'm constantly struggling to find balance between what is good for them and what I want for myself. I have very limited time to spend at home and I choose not to spend it scrubbing the toilet LOL god forbid. Tomorrow I am starting school and will work/go to school 10 days straight with no days off because of it. I'm gone from 730 am to 615 pm every day. I'm doing the bare minimum on houswork and time with the kids - hopefully someday everyone will forgive me and see it for what it is... me trying to do the best I can with what I've been given and make life better for all of us.
Don't ever wait on others to forgive you CG. Forgive yourself. As long as you know in your heart that you are doing the best you can for your kids and yourself, then there is nothing to forgive. Keep checking your motives and moving forward. This is life and you're living it. Good luck with school!!!!
I really don't care if he forgives me or not. When he walks my walk then he can talk whatever talk he wants... until then he has nothing to say that means anything to me if u know what i mean.
It sounds as if he has a lack of awareness and a very limited viewpoint, and this is causing resentment. I sure would resent it too. I wonder if this is the first trickle of hard feelings and difficulties. Please take care of yourself! You have obviously been doing a hard job all by yourself, and it makes that all the harder to be criticized for it rather than celebrated.
the ex A was very very judgmental. I know when I met him he was incredibly judgmental of his ex girlfriend. Little did I know that he would eventually be saying all the same things about me. I think you are absolutely right unless you walk the walk you can't talk.
