The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My son is living with me now. When he first came out here from out West and jail he was about 24 years of age going on about 13 years of age. It has been very tough these last six years. He has grown much. At 30 years of age, he going on about 26 years of age or maybe 27. Along with the torture during childhood he had an untreated closed head injury when a kid. However, he still has somewhat poor reasoning skills and still too quickly jumps to assumption at the first word anyone says. He them butts in with a long statement to what he thought the person was going to say rather than what the person had intended to say.
The other night, he called his woman-friend he has recently seperated from, but not ended the relationship. He made the call at 10:30 p.m. knowing she goes to sleep before then for her 5:00 a.m. wake up time for work. She has taken her meds and was a bit incorherent from that and being wakened up by the phone. She tells him about the Fed's website that lists all prescription and non-prescription drugs in detail, that I e-mailed her. All, he hears is drugs and makes up in his mind that is a drug addict web site. So, he asks me if I sent her a drug addict website. He sees himself as her great protector and her as someone who cannot protect herself. I take that personally and off we go in nasty arguement. "The one who forgives first ends the arguement first." I finally, caught myself and made the initial amends, which he was not open to, of course. But the arguement did end. The next day I said a few supportive things. Later that day, he was surprised that I asked what time we needed to leave for his doc's appointment across town. In the past his mom or other significant people would carry out resentment reactions for days to come. He'll think about all he said and all that I have said and then in a day make amends and own up to his part of the discord.
Thanks much for being here so I can have some place to share. This helps to bring to closure the hurt I felt during the arguement.
I learned yesterday something interested that when I lied to myself (called misrepresentation) which of course I had to day in day out when I was around an alcoholic I presumed that everyone else was lying too. So I projected my own lying onto others and argued with them because I simply could not accept reality at all.
"The one who forgives first ends the arguement first." I finally, caught myself and made the initial amends, which he was not open to, of course. But the arguement did end. The next day I said a few supportive things. Later that day, he was surprised that I asked what time we needed to leave for his doc's appointment across town. In the past his mom or other significant people would carry out resentment reactions for days to come. .
RICHARD
Thanks Richard, you are so right I need always to be watchful and If I engage, the faster I can see I am engaged, and can "recalculate" (like my GPS) the direction my attitude and conversation are going I am saved many hours of anxiety, pain and regrets.
you did an amazing job there, friend. showing him that you still love him and care for him even through an argument was the best thing to do. if he suffered from the resentment treatment alot, it probably did take him for a loop a little bit when you just let it go and asked him if he still needed your help. it shows him that you are always going to be there for him no matter what. and ultimately thats what parents are supposed to do. much respect for you. thanks for sharing.
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sticking feathers up your butt doesnt make you a chicken.
