I have to forgive myself, as I am also a work in progress. I make mistakes, get very confused too.

My life has been full of alone time. Not out of choice. Emotionally, in ways I am very immature. When I really loved, gave it my all, they died. I feel stunted in a way.

Don't understand others emotions sometimes, and when I am told of them become confused.
When someone is mad at me, I think they are going to leave me.
When someone is sick I am afraid they will die.
If a man tells me he loves me and cares, I think what does that mean, does he want me?

Not sure where to put these things in my heart, not sure what they mean.

I took some time away from here to rest and talked to some people who have my best interests at heart. They could help me to understand what I was feeling and how to look at it.

Wanting to always please my HP first is very important to me. Being imperfect, can't always do things right at first. Though I am suppose to be a good witness of a life hp is proud of, I make mistakes too. What is important is how I face the mistake and make it right.

Everyone blows it.

What happened to me I did not see coming. I did not understand it. Now I do.

Feel forgiven and healed. Though I was ignorant, I have strong shoulders and it is not hard to admit when I am wrong.

After having a very healthy, trustworthy friendship with a man I learn so much from, I saw AH after many years. It struck me hard.

I was totally mixed up. AH is brain damaged, I am free from staying married to him. But I care and wanted to see how he was.

When I got home I realized my friend was alive and real, not an A, had opinions, supported me in every way. He was always respectful.

This was where I got mixed up. I thought I was in love with him. Or was I? I realized that , that was not it. It was he was real. He was not brain dead, he was a true friend. It was not that kind of love.

The realization of how sick my A is hit me big time.

For the first time in my life, I could honestly see me loving someone besides A. I did not know how to process that. Even though it was a friend, I knew I was free of my longing for my A.

I went and talked to experienced people who could look at my actions and feelings. They helped me to understand boundaries, and that all these years we have been friends with nothing inappropriate. But if it had to be hidden, it was wrong. Well I never hid it, as everyone I know I talk to freely.

Those feeling at first made me sick,when I got confused.We don't always ask for feelings we have, the point is we do not act on them. If we do, we sin. In MY experience. As it was, I was able to figure out my reactions, that it was not anything inappropriate.

Thank goodness you guys showed me things and I had people I respect to counsel me.

In choosing to be true to hp, the feelings became as they always were, I am blessed with a very good friend. It is not hidden, his AW has known about me for all these years. Being so sick, she won't even go visit any of his friends. It is not just me and my kids.

I am proud of him for caring for her, and doing his best to use Al Anon skills so he can raise the kids, support them, and have compassion for her.

Wish I had never brought it up here, I was too mixed up on my own! Does not mean I did not appreciate the responses. NOT at all.

If it had been face to face, I could have soaked it in. But after going through what I have the last few months, just lost it.

Saw my A again. Stopped walking on eggshells and let him have it. Was good for us. He took it well and talked non stop. Was great. He said he liked that he cannot manipulate me, that I know it is a disease. I did not let him try to snow me, sorta shocked him. I did not put him down and he knew it, just speaking truths, he found he cannot hide from me.

We discussed how we have been together so many years whether we lived together or not. I told him as long as he is on his meds, in recovery, he always has a home where ever I am. Not as a wife, but as the friend I always have been.

I did tell him though that I am open if I meet someone else. Don't see that happening but  ya never know.

I don't care what anyone says, I am an adult, I make my own decisions. I am married only legally. Not scripturally or emotionally. I keep that legal document only for legal reasons. Period.

I would never date anyone until I got the divorce.

Al Anon helped me put all this in perspective. My first responsibility is to hp, then to myself.
It helped so much, even though confusing to read your responses.

To Thine Own Self Be True. Love,debilyn